Islamabad – Military Correspondent: In what was an expected announcement Pakistan Army has agreed to put its troops on auction for use in proxy wars, among other kind of wars, Khabaristan Today has learnt. According to the threatened sources, the bidding would start at $25 per soldier, with the highest bidder taking home the soldier. The auction would be conducted next Friday, in Islamabad.
According to sources that were as scared as very scared cats, leaders from all around the globe would be assembling for this grand auction of a mammoth 650,000 soldiers. Most noteworthy among these leaders would be Saudi Crown Prince Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, US President Barack Obama and King of Bahrain Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifah. Even so, bidding experts suggest that while this trio might outbid most of their rivals, two other leaders might manage to get the most value for money.
The first of these two leaders is Pakistan Chief of Army Staff (COAS) Raheel Sharif who obviously knows his boys inside out. However, despite leading the pack he would have to bid for his own soldiers, considering the laissez-faire principle adopted by the auction.
“I think I will be able to get the best of the lot and for not a lot of money as well. In any case the money’s coming from the Big Three of Saudi, US and Bahrain. So no matter who ends up getting the troops, we would not have to pay a dime,” the COAS told this scribe. Sharif further added, “In any case just like throughout our 67-year history our focus would be on the eastern border and we will make sure we get enough troops to bother India. The Saudis are getting the northwest any way.”
The other leader believed to be among the favourites for the best deals is Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) Chief Mullah Fazlullah. Speaking exclusively to Khabaristan Today, Fazlullah, also known as Mullah Radio, said, “Taliban and Pakistani military go a long way, and sometimes it becomes different to differentiate between a Talib and a trooper. So no matter who signs up the troops, their hearts would always be with us.”
He then went on to suggest that Taliban have been an integral part of the army’s long term, and short term, plans, and that he knew how to get the best out of these soldiers. “It really is about knowing how to combine religion and geo-strategy, and who does it better than us?” Fazlullah said adding that, “I think we will get the best deal out of all the franchises. Did I just use the word franchise? This actually looks a lot like an IPL-style auction.”
Getting excited about ISI-Bin Laden link is so 2011
Islamabad – Staff Report: Pakistan Chief of Army Staff (COAS) Raheel Sharif, while responding to this week’s New York Times’ report, said that “getting excited about Inter Services Intelligence’s (ISI) link with Osama bin Laden is so 2011,” Khabaristan Today has learnt. The COAS has also gone on to highlight that while it was cool back in 2011, when Osama bin Laden was captured from Abbottabad, to get so enthralled or shocked by this news in the year 2014 was a little “outdated”.
“In May 2011 it made all the sense in the world, especially when coupled with clamours of “Drama bin Laden”, which is what my Facebook status was back then. Then you’ve had the Abbottabad Commission Report as well after that. So the only way the news about ISI establishing a special desk to handle bin Laden can surprise you is if you have been living under a rock for the past three years,” the COAS told Khabaristan Today.
Further commenting on the issue the army chief said that it was no easy task to shield the world’s most wanted terrorist for a decade and so all allegations of incompetence were uncalled for. “Connivance, definitely, but accusing us of incompetence is downright ridiculous considering the size of the task at hand,” Sharif concluded.
SBP’s new printing machine to take dollar below Rs50
Karachi – Finance Correspondent: Acting State Bank of Pakistan (SBP) Governor Ashraf Mahmood Wathra and Pakistan Finance Minister Ishaq Dar have created a new dollar printing machine that would make sure that the price of dollar remains less than Rs50 in the near future, mathematical sources told Khabaristan Today. After the friendly gesture from the friendliest friend in the world worth $1.5 billion dollars took the dollar price below Rs100, this fake dollar printing machine would singlehandedly take it to below Rs50, according to Wathra.
“I believe it is just a case of ensuring dollar liquidity no matter how tampered the liquid is,” the acting SBP governor said. He added that just by pumping enough dollars in, and not bothering about how and where those dollars would be spent, Pakistan can ensure its economic revival. “Once you have the dollar price below Rs50, everyone is going to think that the economy is back on track, even though where those dollars are going to be issued, if at all, will never be clarified,” Wathra said.
When asked how he was handling his new role as the new acting governor of the State Bank of Pakistan, Wathra said, “Pretty well, actually. I think my acting is improving every day. And had I been nominated earlier, I might as well have been nominated for the Oscars this year. Although I am struggling with my “economy is recovering” expression; people say it is not really believable. However, if my ridiculous support for the finance minister is viewed impartially, I should be a shoo-in for both the Academy and Filmfare award next year.”
The acting SBP governor has also asked Ishaq Dar to repeat his magic trick again and announce his plan of taking the dollar price below Rs50. “That could mean that we might have to print less dollars than are necessary,” acting State Bank of Pakistan Governor Ashraf Mahmood Wathra concluded.