Unblocking YouTube only way to end proxy war: Nawaz Sharif

Islamabad – Staff Report: Pakistan Prime Minister Dr Mian Muhammad Nawaz Sharif believes that unblocking YouTube is the only way Pakistan can stop being a part of the ongoing proxy war. Nawaz was addressing a press conference where he was supposed to discuss the Saudi Crown Prince Salman bin Abdulaziz Al-Saud’s visit to Pakistan and the changing foreign policy in Syria.

“His highness the crown prince told me that they are planning on continuing to use us for the proxy war, and I told him clearly that we are having none of it. We are sick of fighting over which proxy to use to unblock YouTube, and we want to put an end to this proxy war,” the prime minister said.

Further discussing Pakistan’s defiance against the Saudis, Nawaz said, “I mean sure we’ll send troops to Syria. We know it for a fact that our war in North Waziristan is America’s war, while Saudi’s war in Syria is ours. But that doesn’t mean I will compromise on YouTube.”

Nawaz then elaborated how despite the ban on YouTube Pakistan continues to be one of the top countries as far as YouTube visits are concerned but the ranking was continuously affected owing to the proxy war. “Clearly our youth’s quest of making Pakistan the number one country as far as visits to YouTube are concerned, is being affected by the proxy war. I know Pakistan has for long been the hub of proxy wars, but I’m planning to change that,” Nawaz said, adding, “I will work on it as soon as our troops are delivered to Syria and Saudis get their 100,000 acres near FATA.”

The prime minister was visibly upbeat about what he dubbed a “new sense of sovereignty in Pakistan” and believed that by setting its priorities right and putting itself ahead of the interests of global powers, Pakistan would finally find its feet in the international arena. “If anyone believes they can tell me when and how I can watch Lady Gaga’s latest videos on YouTube, they’re in for a rude awakening,” Nawaz concluded.

TTP wins best non-state actor award at Oscars

Los Angeles – Taliban & Hollywood Correspondents: Pakistani star Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) won the best non-state actor Oscar for their brilliant portrayal of Islamists who want to take over Pakistan in “The Wolf of Food Street”. The actor, who previously won an Oscar for playing the role of freedom fighters in “The American Duty” was the outright favourite to pocket the golden statuette this year by vanquishing all awards in the lead-up to the Academy Awards – SAG, the Critics Choice and of course the prestigious Golden Globes awards.

There were apprehensions that the pendulum that the ongoing talks between Pakistani government and the TTP are may hurt the actor at the Oscars but TTP successfully managed to overcome the odds. There also happened to be mystery shrouding TTP’s acceptance speech since many were speculating that it might steer clear of mentioning their godfathers in the acceptance speech, but Mullah Fazlullah, accepting the award on the behalf of the TTP was pretty clear about who needed to be thanked.

“We would like to thank the government of Pakistan for the opportunity to manifest our skills and for always believing in us. We are not sure if anyone else would have given us the chance… Definitely not the number of chances this government has given us,” Fazlullah said.

He also thanked Nawaz Sharif and Chaudhary Nisar Ali Khan for their moral support and Imran Khan for bringing their exploits into the mainstream and helping them garner popularity. “Thank you, Immi! You’ve made Islamist fundamentalism sexy. We owe you one,” Fazlullah concluded.

Misbah deserves a plot in Bahria Town as well: Moin Khan

Dhaka – Sports Correspondent: Following Bahria Town owner Malik Riaz’s announcement that Shahid Afridi would be given a plot for his match winning performance against India, national team’s coach Moin Khan has stated that captain Misbahul Haq deserves one as well. Talking to Khabaristan Today on Wednesday as the team practised for the Asia Cup final, Moin said that two mistimed slogs shouldn’t be the criteria for awarding a plot.

“Shahid is definitely a match winner. He normally wins us the match he bothers to perform in, which happens biannually. And of course his performance at the death against India was the differential, but is that really the criterion for awarding plots in Bahria? A couple of mistimed slogs, really?” Moin asked.

He further questioned Riaz’s judgment by saying, “How about those that perform regularly, and have been crucial in the team’s rebuilding process? Why don’t they get any plots? Why does a man who shouldn’t have been in the team in the first place gets one, and the man who works day in, day out for the betterment of Pakistan cricket, gets nothing?”

“Misbah should have been awarded a plot in Bahria Town long ago. He deserves it,” Moin concluded.

Regular Twitter user continues to believe he’s expert on Ukraine

Twitteristan – Ukraine Correspondent: Pakistani Twitter user with thousands of followers continues to believe that he knows exactly what is happening in Ukraine and why it is happening, condescending sources told Khabaristan Today. The said man, with 5,671 Twitter followers at the time of writing, thinks that by retweeting a few tweets about Ukraine, and skimming through a couple of articles he can now form an opinion on the crisis and give suggestions on how to solve the problem.

Despite constant self-reminders that he might not be qualified enough to give verdicts, the man’s self-belief remains unwavering. “Well, you don’t really know what you’re talking about, but this tweet will get RTed, baby,” the man told himself during his tweetfest as he upped the ante on #Ukraine and #Twitter hashtags.

“Oh yes, it will,” the man replied to himself.