The one we are living in isn’t the real one, or is it?
Parallel universes are indeed colliding if the recent headlines are anything to go by. And the world just might be about to end. Lately, everything around us has started to seem like it’s a page out of a book of flawed fiction. There’s so much that keeps happening but is absolutely unfathomable. Stories that seem both absurd and absolutely contradictory grace the pages of our newspapers on a regular basis. There’s obviously only one explanation: two parallel universes, with one Pakistan housed in each, are crashing into each other.
The Kashmiris: Irony 101
At the top of the list of bizarre paradoxical news is the one about the Pakistan’s foreign office offering refuge to Kashmiri students that were suspended because of their support for the Pakistani cricket team during the Asia Cup. The news, and the reaction to it, is so very peculiar. Since when did we care about Kashmir other than the 5th of February? This is the month of March; we have a schedule in this country where we care about things. Shias are important in Moharram, being outraged at the butchery of animals is important around Eid, Christians become interesting around Christmas, and so on – you get the gist of it, right? So the fact that we are suddenly finding a voice for Kashmiri students is a little off the schedule – and this is the first clue that a parallel universe with another Pakistan is crashing into ours.
To offer refuge to a group of students only because they support our cricket team sounds like a bit much for a country that routinely fails to secure the educational rights of Ahmedis (and ensures that Balochis don’t get anywhere near education at all). It never shocks a soul when students belonging to the Ahmedi sect are thrown out of their educational institutes – and not for supporting the wrong sports team, but simply because they exist. The Pakistan that we live in could care less about education much less the future of Kashmiris (and to reiterate: it’s not even Kashmir Day!).
Many of us almost missed an important clue in this weird puzzle; a lot of us haven’t noticed but something like this happened before. The last time the universes fell into each other we had Hafiz Saeed offer a safe haven for Shahrukh Khan who was having a turbulent time being a rich billionaire Muslim in India. Hafiz, out of the goodness of his heart, offered to help Shahrukh Khan lead a better life in Pakistan where people would accept his faith. That isn’t the Pakistan we live in, is it? The Pakistan we live in is a place where we treat minorities like a cheap replacement light bulb; so what if some of them die? More will be born soon anyway. How could we offer refuge to anyone when we are so desperately inadequate at taking care of our own? The simple answer is that we can’t; it’s the people from the parallel universe who are doing all these things. A parallel universe where Pakistan is a place where people get equal rights, isn’t something that one do a double take for.
The fact that Afridi actually scored in a game is also an important clue. Since when does Afridi perform under pressure? Not our Afridi, the only thing that guy is consistently good at is starring in different advertisements for corporate firms that are more interested in the appeal of his shiny hair than his performance on the field. This Afridi is obviously the one that fell out of a parallel universe version of Pakistan. One where Afridi doesn’t help kill the dreams of many cricket fans in one good sweep. It explains how he’s been able to stick around in the team for this long, too.
Mixed messages
If this isn’t enough to convince you folks of the fact that the world is coming to an end then let me remind of you of the Shahzaib Bajwa case. Bajwa was in the US on a Fulbright scholarship before he found himself in a horrible accident which resulted in him going into a coma. It was Pakistanis that were rallying for Bajwa’s cause and telling the US to stop being such a thickhead about a young man’s life. The real Pakistan, that is, our Pakistan, is so different than this version. Forget letting people get the medical attention they need so they can live, we don’t even let people die in peace here. The Hazaras who are regularly found on main city roads with their dead; Balochis who are lost to mass graves never to be thought of again; Ahmedis who are such favourites that their dead are habitually refused burial (and their graves are pulverised when and if they do manage to find burial grounds) – this country takes top honours in dishonouring the dead. And that is why it was so confusing to watch the fight for Bajwa’s life being fought from this side of the fence. It felt as though there was a key part of the puzzle that was missing in the equation. Before it became clear that of course it was the parallel universe problem again. Nothing else can explain it.
The biggest proof that two universes are actually tumbling into each other is Imran Khan, the entirety of Imran Khan to be precise. He promised a Naya Pakistan and delivered a battered and tattered version of old Saudi Arabia. His support for leniency and dialogue with the Taliban is the stuff of legends, and yet we now see him releasing statements against the Taliban. Yes, Imran is vowing to fight against Taliban alongside the army if need be. And he’s totally shunning their brand of Shariah because he doesn’t think it’s cool enough. Either the man has a combination of several disorders including borderline personality, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia or maybe, just maybe, we’ve been seeing the performance of not one but two Imrans. One from our side of the universe i.e., the Shariah loving, Taliban hugging, sports superstar; and the other from the other universe i.e. the Naya Pakistan promising liberal man. Perhaps he’s just a Gemini and can’t make up his mind about what he wants; Lord knows that star sign has caused people enough problems as it is.
Cherry picking is a funny thing. We all do to an extent; there is a subjective bias in almost everything we ever do. If there isn’t a parallel universe problem going on then the situation is very alarming. Can people’s bias go to this absurd extent? The right to education, the right to a grave, the right to religion, the right to have a life, the right to breathe. Is it all decided on the basis of some collective whim? It can’t be that people are this broken here. In Pakistan, all animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others, indeed. Orwell would be proud, right?
No, that isn’t possible. There is definitely a parallel universe problem going on, and both of them are about to crash into each other and the world is about to end.
