Islamabad – Staff Report: A random second-hand telephone answering machine made in China has been named Pakistan’s new ambassador to Saudi Arabia, Khabaristan Today has learnt. The announcement comes after Saudi Crown Prince Salman bin Abdul Aziz Al-Saud’s trip to Pakistan where he met the two Sharifs – both the Army one and the Barmy one – and discussed bilateral issues with them. The decision to name the Chinese telephone answering machine as the new Saudi ambassador was collectively taken by the Saudi Crown Prince keeping in mind Pakistan’s assigned role in the Syrian conflict.
The responsibility of Pakistan’s newly appointed ambassador to Saudi Arabia would be to receive calls from the Saudis, record what our masters say accurately and then transfer the data accurately for it to be translated into Punjabi. Furthermore, a recorded reply where the ambassador would thank the Saudi godfathers for their unrelenting support, cooperation, dough and oil would be delivered immediately. And just like every Pakistani ambassador, leader or army chief’s dealings with the Saudis, the answering machine is not allowed to disagree with anything that the Saudis say.
Prime Minister Dr Mian Muhammad Nawaz Sharif was pretty excited about the new appointment. “I think we’ve appointed the right guy. The Chinese factor also boosts up the appointment. In fact we’re looking for a similar appointment in Washington as well,” the prime minister said.
When the new ambassador was called to comment on the appointment the reply was, “We appreciate the oil barrels and the money, FATA is Taliban’s and you’ll get some land nearby pretty soon.”
The statement was in Arabic of course.
Bilawal continues his party’s tradition of more talk less action
Karachi – Special Correspondent: Pakistan Peoples Party Chairman Bilawal Benazir Zulfikar Asif Ali Bhutto Zardari (Bilawal Bhutto Zardari in short) is proudly continuing his party’s tradition of delivering fiery speeches that are seldom backed up by actions. Bilawal Benazir Zulfikar Asif Ali Bhutto Zardari’s (Bilawal Bhutto, shorter) speech at the Sindh Festival where he pulled no verbal punches against the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) is a leaf out of Benazir’s (and Bhutto’s) halcyon days.
Bilawal Bhutto announced his jihad against the jihadis, which undoubtedly was a brave move. Also, after TTP told the law enforcement agencies in Karachi that there should be a ban on music being played in vehicles, the PPP chairman tweeted that he would henceforth play extra loud music in his car. All this sounds pretty courageous and invigorating, however the important thing here is not doing anything substantial that would make the rhetoric more meaningful. That, of course, is the PPP ethos.
Having the reins of the Sindh government in their control gives PPP and Bilawal the opportunity to implement some of its ideals in the province and its hub – Karachi. However, doing that, for Bilawal, would mean defeating the legacy of his ancestors.
There is a lot of mess that could be sorted out in Sindh and its provincial capital, but Bilawal is doing a splendid job by continuing to ignore it. As the name Bilawal Benazir Zulfikar Asif Ali Bhutto Zardari suggests, there is a lot of political baggage that comes with PPP’s chairman. And he’s doing a splendid job of not laying it off.
What happened to freedom of speech, TTP asks Facebook
North Waziristan – Taliban Correspondent: After its fan page was banned by Facebook for promoting violence, Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) has questioned Facebook’s double standards and questioned Mark Zuckerberg’s take on freedom of speech. “We’ve been left speechless by Mark and Facebook. Whatever happened to freedom of speech!” TTP spokesman Shahidullah Shahid said in an exclusive interview to Khabaristan Today.
“Yes, we behead people. We lash and stone folks as well. But that’s what we do for a living. What’s wrong with posting pictures of your workplace accomplishments on Facebook? Isn’t that what everybody does?” Shahidullah questioned.
“Ditto for the so-called hate literature. The TTP brand is about violence, killing and bombings. So what else should we promote on social media? Social media is all about generating brand awareness. And while brand ambassadors like Imran Khan are doing a wonderful job, there’s nothing quite as effective as Facebook marketing,” the TTP spokesman added.
Shahidullah Shahid was visibly upset at Facebook’s double standards in not allowing TTP to promote its brand and believed the ban might have something to do with a rival franchise. “My personal Facebook newsfeed is filled with pages and individuals exaggerating their accomplishments and going all, ‘me, me, me’, what’s wrong if we did the same? If anything we backed our claim of being violent beasts by uploading images showcasing decapitated men and videos showcasing our football team practicing their dribbling skills with the heads. It’s all pretty authentic,” he said.
When asked what TTP’s next social media strategy was, Shahidullah replied, “I think we’ll have to create a new Facebook page obviously. And considering how we have penetrated all kinds of media, getting those thousands of likes won’t be a problem. The videos can, of course, be uploaded on YouTube. Of course we’re good at managing all kinds of proxies.”
The spokesman further added that Facebook’s move might have dealt the Taliban a marketing blow but Imran Khan is continuing to do more than his fair share for TTP’s brand awareness, “against all odds”.
“With Immy among our ranks, we won’t ever have to worry about marketing, it’s just that where would we post pictures of the soldiers that we behead now?” Shahidullah said, visibly perturbed about the situation.
“How does that Instagram thing work?” Shahidullah concluded.