Tired of Kashmir, Palestine and Myanmar?

Now there’s CAR…

 The ethos of Muslim Ummah is harmony. We have unity and togetherness and are bound by brotherhood, nationhood and a perpetual sense of victimhood. When one part of the Muslim Ummah’s body is in pain, the entire body feels the pain. Yes, it does. Allah promise!

Look at Palestine: it unites us in our hatred for Israel. Look at Kashmir: it unites us in our hatred for India. Look at Myanmar: it unites us in our hatred for… whoever’s killing us there.

Whoever you are, killing us in Myanmar, know that we hate you wholeheartedly.

Now, I don’t know if it’s a long distance thing with Pakistani Muslims, or it’s our suicidal tendencies, but we don’t quite feel the pain when one part of the Muslim Ummah ‘body’ hurts another part of the body. I mean I personally don’t care much about the Shia Genocide or the Baloch Genocide in the country, primarily because I’m neither Shia nor Baloch. Also because I might not admit it openly, but I don’t really consider Shias or the Baloch to be a part of the Muslim Ummah body, to be very honest. The same was the case with Bengalis. Ditto for Ahmadis. Hell yeah, ditto for Ahmadis!

However, it is getting increasingly difficult to continue doing what we do oh-so-well. Hazaras butchered? Look at Palestine. Baloch lifted and dumped? India at it again; doing the same in Kashmir. Ahmadi graveyards violated? How about Myanmar? Oh, hang on, Ahmadis are non-Muslims. Hell yeah, Ahmadis are non-Muslims!

Look at Palestine: it unites us in our hatred for Israel. Look at Kashmir: it unites us in our hatred for India. Look at Myanmar: it unites us in our hatred for… whoever’s killing us there. Whoever you are, killing us in Myanmar, know that we hate you wholeheartedly.

Yes, we know the tricks of this particular trade. We’ve been doing it for years and doing it rather well. But unfortunately some liberal fascists have spotted our pattern. It’s because we have become monotonous and predictable. And so we desperately need something different to catch the fascists off their guard.

Enter CAR…

Now CAR isn’t an ordinary car. Well, to be honest it’s not really a car at all. And yet, it will drive us to our next destination.

CAR, Central African Republic, is witnessing ethnic cleansing of Muslims owing to the violent attacks of anti-Balaka militants. Yes, I googled it. Obviously.

I know what you’re thinking: where the bloody hell is Central African Republic? Since the name says ‘African’, so I am guessing it’s somewhere near Africa. And who on earth are these Balaka people? In any case Balaka bears an uncanny resemblance to Malala.

We don’t know where CAR is. We don’t know what the issue is. We don’t exactly know how the Muslims are suffering. However, like in most cases where we form our unwavering opinions – we don’t have to know.

We don’t know where CAR is. We don’t know what the issue is. We don’t exactly know how the Muslims are suffering. However, like in most cases where we form our unwavering opinions – we don’t have to know.

What we know by birth is that the Muslims are always right and everyone else is always wrong. And so we don’t need to go into the details of any conflict. We don’t need to look at the haraam side of the picture.

All we need to do is to remember the name: Central African Republic – CAR is easier, just remember that it is not an actual car. And just memorise who is causing all the trouble: Malala militants. We can always create fabricated images for Facebook obviously.

Let’s use our brotherhood, nationhood and the unalterable sensation of victimhood to scream bloody murder, like only we can. Let’s manifest solidarity with our Muslim brothers and bellow for jihad. Let’s use this car to run over the liberal fascists.

So, Pakistani Muslims on Facebook, unite! It’s time to feel the pain that our Muslim brothers are experiencing. Hurry up! Feel it before someone kills those Shias again. I don’t want to see that #ShiaGenocide hashtag.