Muslim protestors present themselves as evidence against evolution on Darwin Day

London – Science Correspondent: A group of angry Muslim protestors Wednesday demonstrated in front of London’s British Museum on Darwin Day, Khabaristan Today has learnt. They targeted Charles Darwin and the theory of evolution and claimed it hurts their religious sentiments. It is worth mentioning that Darwin was the first person to formulate a scientific argument for the evolution theory through natural selection.

Speaking on the occasion the leader of the protests said, “Celebrating Darwin Day hurts my sentiments because he claimed my ancestors were monkeys. I am not Ibn-e-baandar, I can assure you that.” Another protestor claimed that Darwin hurt his religious sentiments by claiming that the first person on the earth was a monkey. “I will chop Darwin’s head off,” he bellowed angrily.

The theory of evolution has always challenged the tenets of orthodox religion. However, while most religious groups don’t resort to public protests, Muslims seem to be the most vocal about their incompatibility with enlightenment and progression. They call for chopping off heads, quite often, to promote the religion of peace.

Another protestor on the occasion claimed that the demonstrators themselves were the evidence against evolution. “I mean if in the year 2014 you have a person who doesn’t believe in evolution, they clearly haven’t evolved and continue to live in antediluvian times. And of course that means that we can be presented as evidence against evolution. We make a pretty strong counter case, of course,” he observed.

“If people find out that most of the population of the earth hasn’t evolved, that would be Evolution Theory’s death rattle,” the protestor concluded.

Nawaz Sharif reminds wife of Musharraf’s treason after forgetting Valentine’s Day

Lahore – Valentine’s Day Correspondent: Pakistani Prime Minister Doctor Mian Muhammad Nawaz Sharif reminded his wife of former President General (retd) Pervez Musharraf’s treason against the state, after forgetting Valentine’s Day on Friday, self-created sources told Khabaristan Today. While Mrs Nawaz Sharif was obviously upset at her hubby’s laxity but eventually forgave him in the greater interests of the country.

“Yes, obviously, I would have liked an SMS, a small message, just a token. But yes, what Musharraf did in October 1999 is inexcusable,” Mrs Nawaz Sharif said.

When asked what the correlation between Valentine’s Day and Musharraf abrogating was, Mrs Sharif replied, “It’s about priorities. Answer me: Is forgetting Valentine’s Day a bigger crime than overthrowing an elected government? It’s just one of the things Nawaz does to bring things into perspective.”

Mrs Nawaz Sharif was then asked whether prime minister focusing on Musharraf, while the Taliban wreak havoc in the country, was the natural extension of this. She replied in the affirmative.

“Of course, this is his go to play. Whenever he has to deal with a tricky situation, he brings Musharraf into focus. Remember the sectarian riots in Rawalpindi during Muharram? What was Nawaz’s immediate reaction? This is what he does. Last week he asked me to remember what Musharraf did in November 2007, after eating my chocolates without permission,” Mrs Nawaz said.

It is pertinent to mention here that the Special Court is still waiting for Musharraf to appear before it. The former president has neither appeared in court nor confessed to allegations of treason.

“But are chocolates more important than democracy?” concluded Mrs Nawaz Sharif.

Regular personal diary writer invited to speak at Lahore Literary Festival

Lahore – Culture Correspondent: According to intelligence reports the Lahore Literary Festival is all set to invite a regular personal diary writer to next week’s Lahore Literary Festival (LLF), Khabaristan Today has learnt. After the overwhelming success of Karachi Literature Festival, the organisers of LLF have decided to build on it by inviting similar writers. The private diary writer received his call as he killed enemy soldiers while playing Call of Duty: Ghosts on his X-Box, sources revealed.

“We are basically looking for self-important people who think writing about themselves makes them an academic,” an LLF organiser said, adding that, “Just bring along anything that you’ve written resembling a book, and you’ll end up being our star attraction. Personal diary writers get the best slots.”

When asked for comments, the diary writer was pretty nonchalant about the whole thing. “Obviously the diary has taken years’ worth of effort for me to produce, and if it’s read properly, it can provide the answers to many of Pakistan’s, and indeed the world’s problems. Having said that, I’m still not sure whether or not I’d be able to make it to LLF,” the personal diary writer said, while practising various expressions for his speech during the Lahore Literary Festival.

“I am working on my next diary and I am not sure whether I would be free to impart my wisdom to Lahore on Friday,” he said still failing to notice that we could see him make his “look I’m an intellectual” face in front of the mirror.

Lashkar-e-Dumbledorvi issues threats against Orya, Abbasi tweets

Hogwarts/Twitteristan – Witchcraft & Wizardry Correspondent: Dumbledore’s Army, also known as Lashkar-e-Dumbledorvi (LeD), has issued threats against a journalist on Twitter whose tweet the organisation found offensive on Friday. The said tweet read, “Orya M****ol J*n and A***r Abbasi are like Fred and George Weasley. #AlwaysTogether.” It quite blatantly insults the religious sentiments of the Potterheads, LeD claims. (Note: We have censored the tweet as a safety precaution).

The tweeter, who requested that his name be kept anonymous citing danger to his life, created a storm in Twitteristan by juxtaposing Fred and George with Orya and Abbasi. LeD chief Z Malik issued a fatwa immediately, while spokesperson Wengerullah Wenger (responsible for coining the name, “Lashkar-e-Dumbledorvi”) advised the tweeter to seek an All Parties Conference.

There were demonstrations on Facebookistan as well, as Tee Jay targeted Orya and Abbasi while remonstrating against the tweeter, H Khan clamoured about death and S G Ahmad was visibly incandescent with rage.

Despite a public apology LeD has called for the tweeter’s head, since that is the only punishment for blasphemy according to the Dumbledorvi doctrine.