Mohenjodaro – Our Sindh Correspondent: Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) Chairman Bilawal Bhutto Zardari has vowed to undo the mess that his parents and grandfather created in Pakistan, Khabaristan Today has learnt. Bilawal was discussing the Sindh Festival in Moenjodaro which according to the PPP chairman was the “first step towards eradicating the legacy of his immediate ancestors.”
“I might be going all daredevil on the Taliban recently but I realise that Mama, Papa and Grandpa had their part to play in nurturing religious extremism in this country. I’m all out to undo the mess that they created and festivals like the one in Moenjodaro, is one of many such projects planned to counter fundamentalism.”
Bilawal mentioned how his grandfather rammed Islam in 1973’s constitution and capitulated in front of the Mullahs by excommunicating Ahmadis in 1974 and banning alcohol in the country. “Clearly his own political career was dearer to him than the future of religious minorities in Pakistan. We can blame Zia all we want, but Grandpa set the ball rolling by declaring Ahmadis non-Muslims. Succumbing to the Mullah is probably his most influential legacy.”
The PPP chairman then brought his parents under the gun, “We must not forget that it was Mama and Naseerullah uncle that actually created the Taliban. And of course Papa presided over the Swat deal in 2009, after we’d actually defeated the Taliban. So my immediate ancestors have created some serious mess that I will try to undo.”
When asked how he was planning on going about undoing the mess, Bilawal said, “When you have people like Nawaz and Imran, it’s not particularly difficult to sound like an anti-Taliban revolutionary. I’ll let my tweets and Super Sindhi Man shirt do the talking.”
Govt-TTP talks
Uptown snob claims she can relate to Taliban after dumping her boyfriend again
Lahore – Our Counterterrorism Correspondent: An uptown snob in DHA Phase-5 claimed that she could totally relate to the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) according to eavesdropping sources. After dumping the same boyfriend for the fifth time, the girl in question told Khabaristan Today that the ongoing government-TTP negotiations were exactly what she had experienced when she told her boyfriend that she would be breaking up with him for the fifth time.
“He is clingy and just refuses to let go. I had already dumped him four times, but he always asks for one last talk. What do we talk about when there’s hardly anything that we agree on?” the girl said.
She went on to cite 2005’s Sararogha peace deal; 2006’s Miranshah peace deal; 2008’s Khyber Agency agreement and 2009’s Swat deal as examples of the number of times the Taliban have dumped the government.
“I was in the TTP’s shoes in Gloria Jean’s yesterday,” the girl said adding that, “I told my boyfriend that there is nothing negotiable, nothing that we agree on, we simply don’t share the same future. But he kept on asking for one more date.”
Eyewitnesses at Gloria Jean’s revealed that it was the most absurd talks they had ever witnessed in their lives. “He was literally begging her, going down on his knees and kissing her feet. She wasn’t even looking at him. He desperately wanted her to see him one more time at Mohammadi Nihari House,” an eye witness told Khabaristan Today.
PTI fan’s Facebook video shortlisted for Oscar
Los Angeles – Our Hollywood Correspondent: The Academy Awards jury decided to bend its rules at the 11th hour and decided to nominate a Pakistan Tehrik-e-Insaf (PTI) fan’s Facebook video for this year’s event, imaginary sources toldKhabaristan Today. Facebook released every user’s ‘review’ video on its 10th anniversary, highlighting their most liked posts and images. The Academy Award jury believed that the PTI fan’s video was among the most invigorating and enlightening cinematic experiences of their lives.
“It (the video) is a dark satire on the Pakistani society. A youthful modern girl dedicating so much energy for a couple of years on Facebook to facilitate the Taliban coming into power who would eventually shut down her account… I mean that’s a leaf out of Victorian irony,” a jury member said.
The PTI girl’s video begins from the year 2007, and mostly revolves around her posting a selfie every other day and talking about her boyfriends till October 2011. The next two and a half years see her posting a selfie every other day and talking about how PTI would sweep the elections.
“It’s a scathing critique on the Pakistani youth and how they were blindfolded by man just because he was ‘hot as hell’ and won a cricket World Cup,” another jury member added.
The Facebook video has been nominated for Best Picture, Best Original Screenplay, Best Documentary, Best Live Action Short Film and Best Film Editing awards.
ASWJ looking to hire CEO Shia Genocide
Jhang – Our Genocide Correspondent: Ahl-e-Sunnat Wal Jamaat (ASWJ) formerly Sipah-e-Sahaba, is looking to hire a new CEO for its Shia Genocide project, after Lashkar-e-Jhangvi (LeJ) leader and former CEO Malik Ishaq was promoted to the designation of ‘Global Terrorist’ by the US. The ASWJ is now looking for someone who is competent enough to fill those massive shoes.
“We’re looking for someone who can follow the sectarian, apostatising, violence brewing footsteps of Mr Ishaq. The ideal candidate should be a Takfiri Deobandi, whose life is dedicated to excommunicating the Shias. He should be a staunch believer in the fact that his own religious sect is the only branch of Islam that is true Islam. He should have the passionate desire to kill everyone who disagrees with this branch,” an ASWK spokesman said.
Interested applicants should contact ASWJ through social media, or start chanting anti-Shia slogans in Jhang and they would be shortlisted.
David Moyes celebrates World Hijab Day
Stoke – Our Sports Correspondent: Manchester United Manager David Moyes expressed his solidarity with Muslimaat all over the world by wearing a burqa on February 1, which was the World Hijab Day. After his side’s 2-1 defeat in the league against Stoke City that left Manchester United further off the pace in the race for fourth spot, Moyes was seen sneaking outside Britannia Stadium wearing a burqa.
After being spotted by reporters, Moyes told them that he was a massive feminist at heart and absolutely against Orientalism. “I believe feminism means something different in every particular culture. And the reason why I am wearing this burqa right now is to express my support for Muslim feminists all over the world,” Moyes said.
When asked whether feminism in his culture meant wearing a burqa to escape the wrath of angry Manchester United supporters, Moyes kicked our sports correspondent in the tummy and fled the scene, while hurriedly dialing Robin Van Persie’s number.