Non-article

Irtaza Rubab Meera, the queen of celluloid and the king of bad timing, is in the news again, for all the right reasons at just the wrong time

Syed Hassan Belal Zaidi

This article should, technically, not be written. I mean, none of the issues that are discussed here are actually ‘issues’. In some cases, it’s “too soon” to be poking fun, in other cases the matter is too “sensitive” to be glib about it. In all these cases, though, there is nothing funny about the underlying event. But because there is absolutely nothing else that could conceivably appear in this column, here goes.

My alma mater recently awarded the honourable prime minister an honourary doctorate. In his address to students following the conferring of the degree, the honourable prime minister joked that while he was happy to be receiving the degree, he was not that happy about being asked for a massive donation by the vice chancellor. “I don’t know if I’m receiving this degree or buying it,” he said, fully conscious of the irony. The man who was twisting the PM’s arm, so to speak, was none other than Professor (Meritorious) Dr Muhammad Khaleeq-ur-Rahman, Izaz-i-Kamal. And if you’re one of those who think that it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to be able to scam the PM, you’re wrong, because that’s exactly what Professor (Meritorious) Dr Muhammad Khaleeq-ur-Rahman, Izaz-i-Kamal, is. A physicist from Manchester University (pronounced with a Punjabi tang), he was a teacher who survived at the University of Engineering and Technology for nearly 37 years. In recognition of his meritorious services, the President conferred the Izaz-i-Kamal on Dr Muhammad Professor Khaleeq-ur-Rahman (Meritorious). He was also selected for the Best Teacher Award by the Higher Education Commission in 2008. Just to put things into context, the HEC was run by Dr Attaur Rehman, most famous for backing Water Kit pioneer Agha Waqar on national television. So anyway, the HEC deemed Professor Doctor Izaz-i-Kamal Meritorious Muhammad Khaleeq-ur-Rahman’s services in the field of pedagogy fit enough to select him as the country’s ‘Best Teacher’. Interestingly, pedagogy (which is actually a real thing) refers to the “science and art of education, specifically instructional theory”. Hence, Professor Izaz-i-Kamal (Muhammad Khaleeq-ur-Rahman) Doctor Meritorious is an expert in teaching teaching. And no, that’s not a typo.

Irtaza Rubab Meera, the queen of celluloid and the king of bad timing, is in the news again, for all the right reasons at just the wrong time. Her recent bare-all foray into the world of Tila Tequila and Kim Kardashian had the potential to be an earth-shattering moment for celebrities in Pakistan, if only it had come out a few weeks later. Even her own PR campaign, handled by Mister-Clean-As-A-Prison-Shower-Drain Mubasher Lucman, failed to get her the hits she needed. Following her lacklustre showing at the Tissue Box Office, Meera issued a statement thanking PTA for making sure that this “defamatory and fake video” did not circulate as widely as it could have. However, at the dinner after the press conference, she exchanged hot words with the PTA chairman on preventing her latest video from being shared on YouTube. “It did not perform as well as Veena’s or Mathira’s videos. This is not fair. I am more senior in the industry as them. Why my work cannot be seen by the global audience,” her spokesperson quoted her as saying to the PTA chairperson. However, when asked what he was going to do to redress the damsel’s complaint, he shrugged and said, “If we ban it, you’re mad. If we unban it, she’s mad. It’s a no-win situation, so we’ve decided to keep the ban on YouTube, so the world doesn’t have to see Meera in action.”

Speaking of Pakistani women on a global audience, here’s a story I can’t talk about. It doesn’t involve an Indian minister, his recently deceased wife and a Pakistani journalish (for people who are “journalist-ish”). There is also no controversy surrounding the sudden passing of said minister’s wife, who certainly did not have a public meltdown on a moderately popular social networking site. No one is asking questions about the unfortunate timing of this scandal, given the pressure said minister’s party is facing in the upcoming polls. And the media is keeping absolutely mum on this most unfortunate affair, with both sides thanking the public for respecting their privacy and allowing them to grieve in peace. Ahem.

Also, speaking of things that one should not be talking about, how about the Taliban? Everyone’s favourite non-topic, the Taliban exploded into the limelight recently when they did not just claim responsibility for attacking a satellite van of a local media group. The media group, in response, did not invite their most misunderstood of talk show hosts to speak on their behalf on national television. That misguided anchor most certainly did not contact the Taliban spokesperson on his person cell number and he definitely did not commit to give him as much airtime as they needed on his show, his column and indeed, his channel. Do you know why he didn’t do all these things? Because such things don’t happen in a civilised state where the individual’s interests and freedom of operation is protected by state machinery and a law enforcement infrastructure. In such a state, individual actors cannot deviate from state policy and negotiate with terrorists on their own terms. If that were to happen, anarchy would prevail and the state would be in a very bad state. So none of this definitely happened.

It may have happened though. I think we were all too hung over to notice.