Najam Sethi running out of things to take care of

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Najam Sethi running out of things to take care of

Khabaristan Today

Our Caretaker Correspondent – Lahore: After being told that he was no longer needed to take care of Pakistan’s cricket team, Najam Sethi has told his friends and family that he is running out of things to take care of,Khabaristan Today has learnt. After Zaka Ashraf was reinstated as the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) chief, the curtain came down on Mr Sethi’s stint of over exuberant celebrations and cricketing exaggerations. It really is a sad moment for cricket seeing Mr Sethi leave the PCB office and taking his signature dance moves with him, leaving us with Zaka Ashraf and his miserly smiles, among other substandard features.

Mr Sethi is renowned for taking care of publications, TV channels, shows, provinces and sports boards. He took good care of his show “Aapas ki baat Najam Sethi ke saath”, his colleague Muneeb Farooq and the TV channel’s ratings as well. He took care of the channel’s desire of getting broadcasting rights for Pakistan’s ongoing series against Sri Lanka, while he was taking care of the cricket team itself. This goes to show that Mr Sethi can take care of multiple things at the same time.

In the lead up to the recent elections, Mr Sethi became the world’s most famous caretaker chief minister of Punjab. His stellar performance meant that while Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif was procrastinating over appointing the man who would make it three for three – a hat-trick of military coups against Sharif by men he himself appointed – Mr Sethi was being peddled as the next Caretaker Chief of Army Staff (CCOAS) – the first of its kind. That the PM took eons to appoint his bogeyman can be forgiven. That he overlooked Mr Sethi for the post – absolutely not.

Mr Sethi’s caretaking repute can also be gauged by the fact that he was being touted as the next Caretaker Chief Justice of Pakistan (CCJP), at a time when taking care of Justice Iftikhar Chaudhry seemed like an impossible task.

When approached for an interview Mr Sethi was kind enough to share a few words with us. “It’s not easy taking care of all the things that I have managed to take care of. And now I have a feeling I’m running out of things to take care of. Sometimes I feel like Batman, you know with my actual identity hidden, the obvious superhero factor and the fact that Muneeb would make a good Robbin. And sometimes I feel like Joker, because you know…” Mr Sethi paused for a giggle.

“I am, and will always be available to serve my country, especially in capacities where I’m not needed at all,” he said. When asked about what he would be taking care of next he said, “I think I’ll start with taking care of Zaka Ashraf in my editorials and on my show. And then maybe I’ll finally start taking care of my own self.”

“Batman needs rest,” he added.

99.96 percent Pakistanis don’t know what ‘secular’ means: survey

Our Special Correspondent – Islamabad: According to a survey conducted by Khabaristan Today, a whopping 99.96 percent of Pakistanis have no idea what the term ‘secular’ means. KT’s team went from Gilgit to Gwadar asking people about what they understood by the term, and the answers they received were pretty damning. Merely 0.04 percent of the participants believed secularism had something to do with the separation of religion and state.

A mammoth 44.68 percent of the participants believed ‘secularism’ is synonymous with atheism or irreligion; 27.47 percent believed it meant worshipping Satan, dancing naked on streets or eating babies alive; 15.88 percent believed it to be a Hindu conspiracy against the existence of Pakistan; 6.41 percent believed it translated into fitna; while 5.52 percent of the participants believed it was appropriate to use Punjabi expletives and throw stones and bricks at our team.

Table (for pie chart/graph): What does ‘secular’ mean?

Atheism/Irreligion      44.68 %

Satanic/Naked dance  27.47%

Hindu conspiracy        15.88 %

Fitna    6.41 %

Expletives/stones        5.52 %

Religion, state separate          0.04 %

The survey was conducted by a team of secular humanists who believed that making Pakistan a secular state is the only way the country can be dragged out of sectarianism and religious fundamentalism. They believed that there was a misconception with regards to the actual meaning of secularism and people generally equated it with absence of religion, when all it actually means is complete freedom of belief and equality of all religions.

The team is currently in hospital getting their injuries fixed. A detailed follow up to their survey would be written by one of the team members as soon as they’re fit enough to move their fingers.

Cristiano Ronaldo dedicates Ballon d’Or to Cristiano Ronaldo

Our Sports Correspondent – Zurich: Visibly overwhelmed by finally breaking the stranglehold of Lionel Messi over the Ballon D’Or – the award for the FIFA player of the year – Cristiano Ronaldo dedicated his award to someone special in his life. Messi had won the award during the past four consecutive years, and after another stellar year that helped Barcelona win the La Liga title back, the Argentinian had staked his claim for his fifth Ballon d’Or award in a row. Frank Ribery’s epoch-making season for Bayern Munich meant that he was up there with a very realistic chance as well. However, it was Ronaldo who managed to win his second Ballon d’Or and went on to tell everyone who that special someone in his life was.

“I would like to dedicate this award to Cristiano Ronaldo,” Cristiano Ronaldo said with tears in his eyes. “Cristiano has stood by me, believed in me and is the only reason why I have managed to reclaim this award after five years,” he said. “It had almost become Ballon de Messi, and with the world going gaga over him it seemed impossible that I would ever win this trophy again. Only one man thought it was possible: Cristiano Ronaldo,” Ronaldo added.

“Cristiano has helped me a lot in becoming a better player and he has also helped me take on adversaries strongly,” Cristiano said adding that, “I hope he will continue to support me like he has supported me throughout my career. And by the time I have retired, I would hopefully have put the Messi versus Ronaldo debate to bed.”