Musharraf diagnosed with liticaphobia, linonophobia, lodassophobia

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Former president falls sick on his way to the special court

Believed to be suffering from unique mental disorder

Regularly sings James Brown’s Try Me

 

Islamabad – Our Medical Correspondent: Former president General (R) Pervez Musharraf fell sick on his way to the special court to appear in the treason case on Thursday. After the DIG security was questioned about Musharraf’s whereabouts, he told the special court that the former army chief manifested symptoms of fear and started shivering accordingly, and was hence taken to the Armed Forces Institute of Cardiology.

After a thorough checkup doctors confirmed that Musharraf was suffering from liticaphobia – the irritational, abnormal and persistent fear of lawsuits; linonophobia – the irrational, abnormal and persistent fear of strings and lodassophobia – the irrational, abnormal and persistent fear of ‘lo dasso!’ verdicts.

One of the doctors speaking exclusively to Khabaristan Today said, “Mr Musharraf is clearly suffering from liticaphobia. He has either relentlessly been following Suits, or has a court hearing to attend. I don’t know which one is true,” the doctor said. After confirming that he has no interest in current affairs and that he had no idea who Musharraf was until he had been told, the doctor then told our correspondent, “Mr Musharraf’s linonophobia clearly signifies that he is anxious about strings coming together to form a rope that might end up being around his neck. This further strengthens my deduction that he’s watched a season too many of Suits.”

About lodassophobia, the doctor said that this particular phobia functions in a particular way in every different individual and therefore Musharraf’s case was unique as well. “Mr Musharraf has been humming James Brown’s Try Me throughout the day, but has modified some of the lyrics owing to his lodassophobia. Regular utterances of ‘Why November 3’ with ‘Hold me Hold Me’ and ‘N.R.O’ with ‘Oh Oh’ were heard and there’s clearly some confusion in his head. Something doesn’t fit,” the doctor said. He added that, “the patient was also heard singing Anno Zero’s Why Only Me, and sang Autumn of 99 to Bryan Adams’ Summer of 69 tune and Treason to Hoobastank’s Reason. All of these clearly depict a bizarre mental disorder and obviously point towards a dangerous case of lodassophobia.”

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After Khabaristan Today’s crew was told that Musharraf wasn’t fit for an interview, our correspondent eavesdropped into his room, where the former president of Pakistan was heard talking to his grandchildren on phone. “Oh baba hum commando hain. Hum kisi se naee dartay,” Musharraf is believed to have said as he disconnected the call.

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Tahirul Qadri leads million-man march to Canadian superstore

Long march includes maple leaf, stray cat

Signs Toronto Long March Declaration with superstore

Toronto – Our Pied Piper Correspondent: The Pakistan Awami Tehrik (PAT) chief, Dr Tahirul Qadri has orchestrated another million-man march, but this time in his home country, Canada, Khabaristan Today has learnt. The million men on this instance included Dr Qadri, three neighbourhood kids, a stray cat and a maple leaf that was stuck to Dr Qadri’s shoe. The long march began from Dr Qadri’s doorstep and went all the way till Real Canadian Superstore, totally summing up to be five minutes’ worth of slow walk, sources told Khabaristan Today.

Dr Qadri is believed to have inspired his million men into participating in this long march by promising a democratic revolution in the superstore. “I am trying to bring the capitalistic terrorists back towards humanism. This is a jihad against brutality, to bring them back towards normality. This is a commercial jihad,” Dr Qadri told the massive gathering, the most glued attendee of which being the maple leaf. “We will not pay a dollar and a half for one kilo of apples,” he bellowed in front of the massive crowd.

“Charging me more than I want to pay is against the Shariah law and Allah’s law applies everywhere, even in the Real Canadian Superstore,” Dr Qadri said. “There is no superstore; there is a group of looters, thieves and dacoits… These owners are lawbreakers,” he added. “The time is ripe to take the road towards waging a revolution,” he exclaimed.

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After 14 minutes of sit-in, the superstore and Dr Qadri signed an agreement called the Toronto Long March Declaration, which basically asked the revolutionaries to “get the bloody hell out of here,” Khabaristan Today has learnt.

When asked whether charging him more than he wanted to pay was actually against Shariah law, Dr Tahirul Qadri gave contrasting statements in Urdu and English. The cat refused to speak to the reporters while the maple leaf didn’t attend any phone calls.

Time is ripe to wage a revolution in Canada: Sheikh Rasheed

Rawalpindi – Our Special Correspondent: Awami Muslim League (AML) chief Sheikh Rasheed Ahmed has said that the time is ripe to wage a revolution in Canada, nonsensical sources told Khabaristan Today. The AML chief was addressing his Canadian cousins in a Skype chat, Khabaristan Today has learnt.

“Dr Tahirul Qadri has inspired me. If he believes he can instigate a revolution in Pakistan while sitting in Canada, why can’t I initiate one in Canada from Rawalpindi?” Sheikh Rasheed asked his second cousins who have been living in Canada for the past 37 years. “I will come to Canada next month and we will tumble Stephen Harper’s government,” he added.

“Of course the fact that no one really think I exist as a serious politician here is a factor, but primarily my inspiration is Tahirul Qadri,” Sheikh Rasheed told Khabaristan Today, as spoke about his future political manoeuvres. “I don’t know much about Harper, his politics or even Canada as a country, but I am pretty sure we can claim that whatever the prime minister’s doing is against Islam. And that’s where Sheikh Rasheed will launch his jihad!” he added.

“The greatest trick Sheikh Raheed ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist,” Sheikh Rasheed concluded.

Boom Boom promises to hit fastest century again

Karachi – Our Sports Correspondent: After recovering from the shock that Corey Anderson had broken his record of hitting the fastest ODI century, star all-rounder Shahid Afridi has vowed to break Anderson’s record in return, unbelievable sources told Khabaristan Today. “That century in Nairobi is basically my only contribution to mankind. And that too was struck in a not-so-important match. I will get my record back again, in another meaningless encounter,” Afridi said.

“For 17 years, that century has been peddled as the justification for selecting me. Without that, I’m afraid my career will end,” Afridi said. He added that, “till around 2007 no one really considered me an all-rounder, I was supposed to be a batsman and a part time bowler, but once I was elevated to the stature of a senior member of the team, I needed to come up with another reason to cement my position in the team. A match winning performance once every couple of years obviously wasn’t going to be enough.”

Afridi then went on to reveal that playing the all-rounder card was his next trick. “When I perform with the bat, I become a batting all-rounder, when I do it with the ball I become a bowling all-rounder. That’s the key to my sustenance in the Pakistan national team,” he added. “I’m a bowling all-rounder these days, and anyone with an iota of cricketing knowledge knows that I won’t get into the side just as a bowler,” he said.

Talking about his numbers, Afridi said, “If you gave any cricketer from the street as many opportunities as I had, he’d easily surpass both my batting and bowling numbers,” adding that, “the luxury of knowing that you won’t be dropped is priceless.”

“This is precisely why I need to break the fastest ODI century record again,” he concluded.

Kunwar Khuldune Shahid is a financial journalist and a cultural critic. Email: [email protected], Twitter: @khuldune.