Hottest fatwas for 2014

From Mars space missions to earth-quake causing mascaras, there is a fatwa to fit any eventuality

2014 is slated to be the year for fatwas. Libertarian activists ruled the roost in 2013, but 2014 is going to be the dawn of a new day for religious scholars worldwide, and especially in Pakistan. We got a sneak peek into this secret world and have for our readers some of the most important fatwas that will be passed during 2014.

Mooning the Mission on Mars

Only a few months ago Sheikh Ali al Hemki announced that that Mars One project was haram. He further asked that the mission be conducted with animals and not people since any muslim to step foot on Mars would verily be destroyed by god. In a follow up to the original fatwa we are now finding out that there is also a mooning problem on Mars. Mars has not one, but two, very small moons, i.e. Phobos and Deimos. Muslims follow the lunar calendar on earth but will be lost on Mars absolutely. “It is a Jewish conspiracy, the western folk have added a second moon to ensure that Muslims can’t go to Mars, but the joke is on them, we’re not interested to begin with”, outlined an Egyptian cleric.

One would have thought that the Mars phobia resulting from Phobos, and fear of demons caused by Deimos would have put an end to all Muslim travel to Mars, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Another set of Muslim scholars are now also offering an opposite fatwa: “All alien species on Mars are not Muslim, hence haram!” This fatwa was realized after the discovery of water on the red planet made headlines. “If there is water, then there is life there and if there is life there then it must submit to Allah,” explained another cleric from Egypt. The fatwa is meant to help encourage Muslims to wage jihad against the red planet till every last living species has accepted the true faith of God.

DNA testing: a new perspective

This little tidbit is Pakistan-specific. Following international Islamic scholars the Council of Islamic Ideology had declared DNA testing in rape cases inadmissible. Their line of reasoning followed that women in Pakistan would then start misusing these tests to implicate men that they had otherwise entrapped with their charm. But that wasn’t the end of the dangers that DNA testing and related methods could pose.

In a follow-up to the original fatwa propagated by supreme scholars, such as Allama Tahir Ashrafi, it seems that in 2014 the country will be waving off the field of genealogy altogether. For those not in the know, this sacrilegious practice revolves around studying family history by tracking lineages out of genes. It’s basically information that is hardcoded into, not just our DNA, but that of all our ancestors.

In Pakistan, almost the entirety of the populace is proud of their roots. Most of the people have either direct Mughal roots, or very rich Muslim roots that extend to the conquerors that haunted the landscape of the sub-continent. There are of course some ill-fated families that were born into very Hindu peasant homes and were converted by Muslim rulers along the way – but these are few in numbers. And it is for these few, merely a handful (small numbers really), families that genealogy is being forsaken completely. A cleric from Lahore, Pakistan, rightfully observed, “If tomorrow some westerner shows up with some weird testing kit and starts telling me that Iqbal had a Hindu father or that Jinnah’s family only found Islam once his grandfather converted from Hinduism, do you expect me to believe them? No! This is obviously haram and created to hurt and confuse the Muslims of Pakistan. Hindu conspiracy, I tell you!”

Tackling the 72 virgin problem

In 2013, martyrdom was repeatedly highlighted as a problem because of Pakistan. The confusion resonated with the global Muslim community which called for a clarification of who gets the 72 virgins and who does not.

This problem is now being solved through a comprehensive algorithm based fatwa. Titled, “Will the real martyrs please stand up,” this piece was developed after a chaotic and confusing 2013. In Pakistan, the armed forces became fatwa fodder when it was declared un-Islamic for the army to fight against the Taliban in Afghanistan because that was tantamount to aligning themselves with infidel Americans. In the same year Hakimullah Mehsud’s death created a rift when several religious scholars from the country pronounced him a martyr and specified that army men killed in action were in fact not shaheed. Only a couple of months later Quader Mulla was hanged in Bangladesh and Pakistani religious scholars cum politicians denounced the hanging and proceeded to outline how he, along with his close army association, was in fact a martyr. “We no longer know who is a shaheedand who isn’t and this is a great problem. I mean if I were to die right now, I wouldn’t know if I get 72 virgins! All this will be solved with our new algorithm, we shall remedy this American conspiracy,” asserted a Karachi-based scholar.

This confusion is to be tackled through the algorithm, which works on a pro-rata, contextual basis, etc. It will help not only identify who the real martyrs are but also put an end to the longstanding confusion that Pakistani religious scholars and politicians have been promulgating for so long.

Of earthquakes and mascara

Fatwas are also expected on several other minor problems that have been pestering innocent male members of the Muslim community, and the general wellbeing of all Muslims. Although Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi made this official in 2010, the earthquake Fatwa remained extremely popular in 2013. He famously clarified that, “Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes”.

After ensuring that women remain completely clad in abayas, a follow-up Fatwa is now looking to ban socks which rest right beneath the ankle. “That little bit of flesh between the abaya and the sock… when it shows… bad things can happen to men, the devil within a woman’s ankle can entice them…” explained an associate of Sedighi. The Fatwa is also going to address problems created because of eye-makeup. It calls for a complete end of products such as kajal, mascara, eyeliner, eye-shadows etc. Sedighi’s associated further elaborates, “What good is an abaya when I fall prey to eyes around me. These demon women make their eyes look bigger and brighter… a man need not see the rest of their face at all!”

This is only a small look at the hottest Fatwas expected for release during 2014. However, readers are requested to stay tuned for a larger selection as the year unfolds.

Luavut Zahid is a journalist based in Lahore. Her writings focus on current affairs and crisis response. She can be reached at [email protected], she tweets @luavut.