I’m gay… Arrest me

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But please knock on the door before you enter

I am gay. Not that my sexual orientation should be anyone’s business. But apparently there are media houses hankering after the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) to bolster their ratings. And so, here I am. My contact details are mentioned in the author bio. Contact me and I will let you know where I live. Bring your crew and the cops to raid my house, where you will find me and my boyfriend living rather happily and peacefully, not planning any suicide bombings or gang rapes, just sharing love in a way that you find inconceivable. Just one request: please knock on the door before you enter.

I am gay. I am sexually attracted towards men. And hence I am involved in sexual – and romantic – relationships with men. Not because of a Jewish conspiracy, but simply because this is how God has made me. I do not know what God says in your scriptures or what happened to the people of Lut all those centuries ago, but what I do know is that I never opted for my sexual orientation nor is it a disease. It is neither a psychological disorder nor a deliberate ‘deviation’ in human behaviour. And I can prove it. However, if you still believe I deserve to be stoned to death, you will find all kinds of stones and bricks in my garden. One request though: please knock on the door before you enter.

I am gay. But before that I am a human being and hence have human rights. Please do not violate them for ratings. This is precisely why I am inviting you over. You would not have to harass me into taking my clothes off to prove anything. You would not have to ‘catch’ me after violating my privacy. I will give you all the evidence you need in the bedroom myself. Then you can arrest me. And I am asking for only one thing in return. Well, two actually. The first being: that you knock on the door before you enter.

I am gay. And after I have given you ample proof of my homosexuality – which could be anything from a picture of my anatomy to video footage of two adult men making out – you can present it as evidence of my ostensible crime against humanity. However, in exchange for this footage which would help your media house sustain itself for years, I want a 10-minute slot on your channel for myself.  I think it is a fair deal, for you would be striking a goldmine for merely ten minutes of on-air time. However, please do not forget to knock on the door before you enter.

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I am gay. And why that should not be a crime is precisely what I want to explain in those 10 minutes. Science has proved, and is continuing to prove, the biological rationale behind homosexuality. Studies focusing on neuroendocrine function in homosexuality reveal that the level of testosterone and estrogen directly impacts the central nervous system of men and women, respectively, dictating their sexual behaviour. Around 1,500 species from the animal kingdom depict homosexual behaviour and unless you believe that global conspiracies and CIA agents force male sheep to make love to each other, homosexuality is pretty much a natural phenomenon. This 10-minute footage can also be recorded at my place. Provided you knock on the door before you enter.

I am gay. But I am also a journalist. And so while it must be easy to pick on those helpless homosexuals on the street, with a journalist you would be getting a taste of your own medicine. After you have had me arrested thanks to the evidence that I shall gift wrap for you myself, I shall harass the living daylights out of you and your media house, through my own means of harassment. Pick on someone your own size and watch your homophobia ripped to tiny little shreds. If you believe you can tell a person who they can love and who they cannot, think again. Even if all the courts in the world unite to declare homosexuality a crime, it would still exist and prevail. Some men would continue to love men and some women will continue to love women. You know why? Because that is the beauty of nature.

So come over and let’s get this started. But I really do hope you don’t forget to knock on the door before you enter.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This article is a work of satire. If we lived in an ideal world here is how a gay person would react to what transpired on a TV channel the other day.

 

The writer is a financial journalist and a cultural critic. Email: [email protected]. Twitter: @khuldune

38 COMMENTS

  1. One of the most fitting pieces of satire which describe the status quo. This is real journalism; a person garnering readership not through vile and debased actions, but purely through standing for the rights of one of the most underprivileged sections of society.

    • Let's not get all emotional here, what you have said is the gist of it. If you believe in Allah Almighty and his justice then leave it on him. Remember the curse He laid on the nation of Hazarat Luth. Let is be live and let live and leave the justice of the creator. Lets not pass judgments.

  2. What a sorry state has this Islamic Republic come to, where such stupid and obnoxious writings are being sold in the name of freedom of speech, human rights and free society. and this newspaper too appears to have found an innovative way of increasing its RATINGS through such shameful writings. SORRY JINNAH, YOU DID NOT DESERVE THIS.

  3. This is a very painful article. “pick someone your own size” we as a society are cowardly,hate mongers and we take our frustrations out on the weak. Yes, those poor people’s were easy targets. The less privilegede, the weak, the unacceptable. Stone them, butcher them. But, ome can not kill love. So many have tried, so many have failed, so much barbarism still everytime love and truth has prevailed

  4. Very much impressive. The people with little mind can't understand the underlinging message of this work of satire.

  5. Uzma Tahirs show disgusted me – its really sad that pakistan doesnt believe in human rights or any rights for that matter.

    Great Article. Definitely took guts to right this knowing the pak society. Kudos !

  6. Such a mesmerizing article. A good effort of news paper increasing his ratings through this Article .If you Really want freedom and don't believe on ALLAH. Then simply immigrate yourself in any so called secular and liberal countries .But we won't allow this in our Islamic Republican Of Pakistan

    • Yeah it pains you to see what two consenting adults do behind their own closed doors. And it's your absolute business to poke your a** in other people's personal matters. This is the tolerance your religion taught you. Good job!

    • Asif Malik sahab, with utmost humility and respect I say, you don't have to be so harsh; people will come and people will go, what will remain behind is the way they behaved with their peers!

    • and u are to decide by ur birth right what is right and wrong. tell u what, if ur argument is get out from here and go to west then why don't all the radicals stop going to these western countries to earn. ur logic is flawed.. if u hate west so much and their ideal then sit on a donkey and go for hajj as people used to in old times since aeroplanes are a western invention.. and stop using those mobile phones and loud speakers and fridge and tv's. and does the writer need a certificate of his patriotism from you, the naive and ignorant lot?

  7. Thumbs up. The criticism you get only affirms you are stronger than all the criticism combined to stand up and voice out what you believe in.

  8. Well written. Atleast some one has the courage and sanity to write for gender minorities in Pakistan…

  9. good stuff. I will add though that even if it is not 'natural', not 'proven' by science, if it is but a 'choice' – it is still as valid.

  10. Hazrat Ali (May Allah be pleased with him), once said that this world is all about Action, once we die all actions come to Halt and we shall be judged by Allah.
    Very Clear to me, that we can't pass judgements on people characteristics, especially if this was not their choice. Any Chemical Balance or im-balance can create an order or a dis-order, but this is not a choice, it is what you have been ordained with. Tolerance and no judgement seems to be the wisdom of Hazrat Ali and ofcourse Prophet Muhammed PBUH, hope we follow that.

  11. The column and most comments are a reflection of the current society and its norms if you call this norms. Some how this media shows its freedom only by printing such sick columns by sick writers. This guy did not have to come out of the closet.He is well known about his sickness and people have commented in these columns.

  12. Unfortunate that such a sickening material is being published in Islamic Republic of Pakistan…

  13. disgusting and even more disgusting is the admin team, who will remove all negative comments, reflective of this sick paper.

  14. Unfortunately we live in a society which lives by no rules. First we should decide that what are we – a Muslim or something else. Only then we will be able to pick the right code of conduct for ourselves. Following Islam is not a taboo. It was (and is) the code of life which brought back the humanity out of darkness. No religion other than Islam protects and preserves human rights. Let us make a conscious effort to first understand our religion and then try and follow it. We will Insha Allah get a better flavour.

  15. Brilliantly written . And for those who didn't understand the deeper meaning behind this article live a suppressed , superficial , hypocritical and sad existence . Respect is all this article is about . And those who are quoting Islam against it need to learn the basics of the religion before pointing finger . Every human has a right to live the way they see fit who are we to judge anyone but ourselves . Beautiful intelligent and courageous words . Peace to all

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