But please knock on the door before you enter
I am gay. Not that my sexual orientation should be anyone’s business. But apparently there are media houses hankering after the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) to bolster their ratings. And so, here I am. My contact details are mentioned in the author bio. Contact me and I will let you know where I live. Bring your crew and the cops to raid my house, where you will find me and my boyfriend living rather happily and peacefully, not planning any suicide bombings or gang rapes, just sharing love in a way that you find inconceivable. Just one request: please knock on the door before you enter.
I am gay. I am sexually attracted towards men. And hence I am involved in sexual – and romantic – relationships with men. Not because of a Jewish conspiracy, but simply because this is how God has made me. I do not know what God says in your scriptures or what happened to the people of Lut all those centuries ago, but what I do know is that I never opted for my sexual orientation nor is it a disease. It is neither a psychological disorder nor a deliberate ‘deviation’ in human behaviour. And I can prove it. However, if you still believe I deserve to be stoned to death, you will find all kinds of stones and bricks in my garden. One request though: please knock on the door before you enter.
I am gay. But before that I am a human being and hence have human rights. Please do not violate them for ratings. This is precisely why I am inviting you over. You would not have to harass me into taking my clothes off to prove anything. You would not have to ‘catch’ me after violating my privacy. I will give you all the evidence you need in the bedroom myself. Then you can arrest me. And I am asking for only one thing in return. Well, two actually. The first being: that you knock on the door before you enter.
I am gay. And after I have given you ample proof of my homosexuality – which could be anything from a picture of my anatomy to video footage of two adult men making out – you can present it as evidence of my ostensible crime against humanity. However, in exchange for this footage which would help your media house sustain itself for years, I want a 10-minute slot on your channel for myself. I think it is a fair deal, for you would be striking a goldmine for merely ten minutes of on-air time. However, please do not forget to knock on the door before you enter.
I am gay. And why that should not be a crime is precisely what I want to explain in those 10 minutes. Science has proved, and is continuing to prove, the biological rationale behind homosexuality. Studies focusing on neuroendocrine function in homosexuality reveal that the level of testosterone and estrogen directly impacts the central nervous system of men and women, respectively, dictating their sexual behaviour. Around 1,500 species from the animal kingdom depict homosexual behaviour and unless you believe that global conspiracies and CIA agents force male sheep to make love to each other, homosexuality is pretty much a natural phenomenon. This 10-minute footage can also be recorded at my place. Provided you knock on the door before you enter.
I am gay. But I am also a journalist. And so while it must be easy to pick on those helpless homosexuals on the street, with a journalist you would be getting a taste of your own medicine. After you have had me arrested thanks to the evidence that I shall gift wrap for you myself, I shall harass the living daylights out of you and your media house, through my own means of harassment. Pick on someone your own size and watch your homophobia ripped to tiny little shreds. If you believe you can tell a person who they can love and who they cannot, think again. Even if all the courts in the world unite to declare homosexuality a crime, it would still exist and prevail. Some men would continue to love men and some women will continue to love women. You know why? Because that is the beauty of nature.
So come over and let’s get this started. But I really do hope you don’t forget to knock on the door before you enter.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This article is a work of satire. If we lived in an ideal world here is how a gay person would react to what transpired on a TV channel the other day.
The writer is a financial journalist and a cultural critic. Email: [email protected]. Twitter: @khuldune