Sultan USA and Hurrem Pakistan

A potboiler with Firuza Iran’s entry into the soap opera

Ah, Turkish Dramas. You can’t help but love them. The eclectic mix of love, hate, betrayal and beautiful women is sure to captivate anyone – so it’s not surprising that we’re all hooked, and so hooked that we see the world transforming into the Turkish dramas that we cherish.

Take the Hurrem Pakistan and Sultan USA relationship for instance. The great Sultan has a lot of women in his Harem – from an English Sultana to Indian Sultana, there’s an assortment of flavours for him to choose from. But alas the heart wants what the heart wants and despite the regular steamy tussle between the two, there isn’t much that can come between Sultan USA and Hurrem Pakistan. But just what it is that has won this lovely kaneez a favour worth $67billion (and rising) in aid?

Hurrem Pakistan has seductive features which Sultan US cannot resist. Her voluptuous bottom conveniently links with Iran, while the bosom swells into an attachment with Afghanistan. If that weren’t enough the lovely lady’s mane full of ideas braids itself into China. Hurrem Pakistan has been geopolitical positioning dream come true for Sultan USA. She’s offered him pleasures that no other nation within the harem could even pretend to offer. And Sultan USA has used his concubine wisely, rewarding good behaviour and reprimanding bad one. But despite his façade of control, Sultan USA has slowly been realizing that Hurrem Pakistan is a handful. She’s an untamed beauty that often does precisely as she pleases, with very little remorse for her actions.

While the Turkish Hurrem rose to power because she bore the Sultan five children, our very own Hurrem Pakistan is not to be outdone – she has gone above and beyond all possible expectations by birthing not just several army bases, but an entire battalion of troops ever ready for battle. Sultan USA’s whims are at the heart of her own desires; the ever ambitious Hurrem Pakistan has always seemed to know precisely how to play the game and maintain her status as favourite. But did she get a little too cocky for her own good? Did Hurrem Sultan put too many eggs in Sultan USA’s basket of love without realizing it?

Her hubris was not without merit. Who else could offer him these carnal pleasures through their bodies? Who could give him a clear access to Afghanistan and keep the NATO supplies in consistent flow? No one! Of course no one! That’s what Hurrem Pakistan told herself, but like many other favourites before her, from the Sultan USA’s harem, she was wrong.

Sultan USA and Firuza Iran

And then it happened. All of a sudden there was a not-so-new beauty in town, and she was totally entrancing Sultan USA. It all happened in the blink of an eye. One minute Firuza Iran hated him and the next minute she was locked in Sultan USA’s powerful gaze. Certainly Hurrem Pakistan had never thought her important before, then why was the Sultan USA suddenly so captivated?

Hurrem Pakistan was partly, if not completely, to blame. In 2008, Mike McConnell Pasha (NSA director Vizir to Sultan) began questioning Hurrem Pakistan’s loyalty to the throne. He outlined that Hurrem Pakistan had repeatedly kissed and told; each time an attack was made on Jihadists, it seemed as though someone had already tipped them off resulting in failed missions. He confronted Ahmad Shuja (Hurrem Pakistan’s then head kaneez). As time went by Hurrem Pakistan’s tussle with different Vizirs vowing to protect Sultan USA started becoming more and more obvious. It was one thing after another from that point on; a vicious cycle where the lady pranced around doing as she pleased but delicately manipulated her assets (the very ones that Sultan USA was so fond of), each time she was questioned, to get out of trouble.

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‘It was by no accident that 30 per cent of all aid to Hurrem Pakistan came from Sultan USA, but with another leading lady on his arm, that too will die out, sooner rather than later.‘

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The last straw was the discovery of Osama bin Laden in Hurrem Pakistan’s bed. A tactical team organized by the highest of Pashas and Vizirs swept into her room in the darkness of the night and apprehended to subsequently execute bin Laden. Sultan USA’s heart was broken. There was no doubt that the lady’s ambition and the not-so-secret pro-terrorism stance had created a rift between the two lovers. Their passionate relationship seemed to start fizzling out when the grand king began noticing Firuza Iran.

It was a simple girl-meets-boy, boy-realises-he-can-use-girl love story. Firuza Iran became eye candy for Sultan USA the moment he noticed the raw potential she held. She presented herself to the grand king as the solution to all Middle Eastern problems. So important was she that the Sultan became willing to go up against Walida Israel (mother to Sultan USA) to win her favour. Firuza Iran could help provide a smaller route for the NATO supplies in Afghanistan (the same ones that Hurrem would often manipulate to get away with her bratty behavior). Firuza Iran also provides a unique opportunity to turn the tide in Sultan USA’s favour by giving it an edge over Sultan China.

But what of Hurrem Pakistan? What is our heroine left with? Even though Walida Israel is persistent in wanting to keep Firuza Iran out of USA Sultan’s bed, the great king will go ahead with whatever he feels is most beneficial for him and his sultanate – he will in essence find a way to pacify Walida Israel as well. The stark reality remains that once the Sultan US and Firuza Iran are able to work their problems out and begin their love fest they will be able to find a solution to many of the problems plaguing the Middle East.

When that happens Hurrem Pakistan will be isolated as the only problematic region because of her often not so subtle pro-terrorism stance. The lady will then have to decide what she wants to really do. If the union between Sultan USA and Firuza Iran is a success then Hurrem Pakistan will need to improve relations with her own neighbours in the harem. She will have to stop being such a spoiled brat and cease playing double games and using cheat sheets. She must also pony up and start doing some actual real work.

It was by no accident that 30 per cent of all aid to Hurrem Pakistan came from Sultan USA, but with another leading lady on his arm, that too will die out, sooner rather than later.

Luavut Zahid is a journalist based in Lahore. Her writings focus on current affairs and crisis response. She can be reached at [email protected], she tweets @luavut.