Iftikhar Chaudhary takes suo motu action against his cook

– Calls early morning breakfast, “sharamnaak”

– Issues contempt of court notice to doubles partner

– Mulls over becoming apologist

– Bedroom nail, himself among 417 suo moto targets

Islamabad – Staff Report – Recently retired former Chief Justice of Pakistan took suo motu action against his cook in the early hours of Friday morning after having to eat an omlette for breakfast, Khabaristan Today has learnt. According to reports after failing to comprehend what precisely had been taken against him, all the judicial ramifications of the cooked eggs were explained to the cook by the former CJP. Sources told Khabaristan Today that Iftikhar Chaudhary had wanted scrambled eggs for breakfast and called the cook’s attempt at toying with eggs, “sharamnaak”. Following which the former CJP took suo motu notice against his own self, eyewitnesses revealed.

Following his retirement on Tuesday, Iftikhar Chaudhary has taken 417 suo motu notices against various living and nonliving things, in the next four days. According to latest update the last one was taken against a nail that the former CJP had hammered in his bedroom wall, after it fell down without any formal notification.

Iftikhar Chaudhary has been keeping himself busy hammering nails in various walls of his house, in loving memory of the judicial hammer that he parted ways with five days ago, unreliable sources told Khabaristan Today.

Apart from hammering nails Iftihar Chaudhary keeps himself busy these days playing tennis at his local club. In a recent doubles match, the former CJP was seen making unwarranted interventions, intercepting balls that his partner would’ve easily played standing in the deuce court. Iftikhar’s partner, nicknamed Roger Federer owing to his trademark Wilson racquet, tried to convince him to stay in his part of the court. Following this, former CJP issued contempt of court notice to his partner, who was also asked to write a letter to Swiss authorities immediately after the match. ‘Iftikhar and partner’ lost the match 6-0, 6-0.

Sources close to Iftikhar told Khabaristan Today that the former CJP is looking for a new vocation following his retirement. It is believed that he’s mulling over becoming “an apologist of some kind” since he’s “made a career out of picking and choosing stuff,” the former CJP was quoted as saying.

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Iftikhar’s retirement almost as big a deal as mine: Tendulkar

Mumbai – Agencies – Paying tribute to former Chief Justice of Pakistan, Iftikhar Chaudhary, Indian cricket legend Sachin Tendulkar said that the CJ’s retirement was almost as big as his own. “Iftikhar’s egocentricity, reminds me of my own,” Sachin told reporters at a press conference. “I mean the way both of us have rewritten history and made a name for our own selves, not contributing as much as everyone thinks we’ve done to the teams we represented is uncannily similar. His retirement is almost as big a deal as mine,” Sachin added.

“The Swiss letter episode reminded me of my 241 against Australia in Sydney, while the way he dealt with his son’s case was sort of like my hundredth century against Bangladesh,” Sachin said. “It’s amazing how we’ve both broken records and all for our personal satisfaction,” added Sachin.

Tendulkar was heard chanting, “chief teray jaan nisar, beshumar beshumar” as he left the press conference.

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Madiba is my inspiration: Fazlullah

– Fazlullah pays homage to Nelson Mandela

– Scorns at Obama’s double standards

– Plans on becoming TV anchor

Dir – Our KP Correspondent – Newly appointed Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) Team Lead Maulana Fazlullah – also known as Mullah Radio – said in a press conference that the recently deceased former South African President Nelson Mandela was his inspiration and his role model. “Madiba (Mandela) is my inspiration and the reason why I decided to shift my career from being a chairlift mechanic to now Alhamdolillah being one of the renowned terrorists in the world,” Fazlullah said. “He’s both my idol and sort of a career adviser,” he added.

Fazlullah further said that Mandela’s fight against apartheid in South Africa was what encouraged him to take a stand against “secular apartheid” in Pakistan. “When you read about the South African racial apartheid, there’s an eerie resemblance to what we, the Taliban, are facing in Pakistan,” he said adding that, “There are those Pakistani leftists, secularists, and humanists who are hell bent on establishing that the ‘Taliban are not our people’. If this isn’t apartheid, I don’t know what is!”, he exclaimed.

After elucidating that he finds it mindboggling that there are people in Pakistan who disagree with the Taliban ideology, Fazlullah had this to say to them: “are you freaking kidding me right now?”

“Secular Jinnah created this country in the name of Islam; secular Bhutto made it an Islamic Republic, but the fact that we want to establish Islamic laws in this country, somehow makes us the bad guys,” Fazlullah complained. “According to the 1973 Constitution’s Preamble it’s the Taliban who should rule over Pakistan. If Islam is supposed to be the state religion and the sovereignty belongs to no one but Allah (SWT), then Pakistan should be governed by us. It’s a no brainer, really,” he added making his renowned ‘matter of fact’ face.

Mullah Fazlullah then looked on the verge of being animated when he told all of us, what it was that he found the most annoying. “I just don’t like double standards,” he said, further adding, “There was a time when Madiba was considered a terrorist, just like us. He had always been a staunch critic of the US policies, just like us. And he considered America a threat to world peace, just like us. But then you see Obama taking selfies at Madiba’s funeral… Would he have taken selfies at Hakimullah Mehsud’s funeral?”, Fazlullah asked, now with tears in his eyes.

On Mandela’s death, Fazlullah further added, “He was a kafir and hence wajibul qatl. It’s a pity I never got to meet him. I would have chopped his head off for being an infidel, if we’d met, because you know that’s sort of what we do for a living, but I can’t explain how much I respect that man. Rest in peace Madiba!”

When asked about his own future projects and a possible return to radio, Fazlullah said, “I think I’m done with being an RJ; I’ll leave radio jihad for someone else. I believe it’s time for me to embrace television.” He then went on to hug a television set near him adding, “You’ve got so many pro-Taliban anchors on TV, I don’t think anyone would even notice me.”

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Hafeez presented as missing person in SC

Islamabad – Staff Report – Pakistan cricket team’s T20 captain Mohammed Hafeez was presented before the Supreme Court in the missing persons’ case on Monday. A three-member bench comprising Chief Justice Iftikhar Muhammad Chaudhry, Justice Ameer Hani Muslim and Justice Jawad S Khawaja began the hearing in which Hafeez, with his face covered in a shawl, was accused of going missing in big matches, failing to perform when the team needs it the most. Hafeez’s batting average against the top eight sides, his two-game list of match-winning performances, and Dale Steyn’s poster were presented in the court as evidence.

“He doesn’t score too many runs when the team needs them; doesn’t bowl too many match-winning spells; isn’t the most outstanding fielder in the world. We really don’t see what he does for the team,” the prosecutor said. “He’s been found missing on the field for a good part of a decade now,” he added.

 “I open the batting; I open the bowling; I open the team’s buffet dinners; I open bus doors; sometimes I open Pandora’s box; it really is an open-and-shut-case,” Hafeez said in his defence. “I get cursed at by the entire country for my 50-ball 20s, when I do manage to last that long. Do you not notice the uproar when I regularly throw my wicket away after playing more than one-fifth of the team’s allotted deliveries for not a lot of runs?” asked Hafeez. “You might not notice me, but ask the real cricket aficionados. They notice me playing the loosest of shots after ostensibly getting set. They yell at me, mock me and castigate me. They don’t particularly like me. Ask them whether I’m noticeable or not,” Hafeez said.

The next hearing has been adjourned for a couple of weeks, when Justice Tassaduq Hussain Jilani the new chief justice of Pakistan and a big fan of Hafeez’s on-drive, would head the three-member bench.

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Will you marry me, Saudi Arabia asks Israel

Tel Aviv – Our Zionism Correspondent – Saudi Arabia went down on its knees and proposed to Israel on Friday evening, Khabaristan Today has learnt. The much anticipated proposal comes after the US-Saudi-Israel ménage-a-trois was disturbed as the US was lured away by the revamped and the newly seductive Iran. Israel, being emotionally dependent on the US for ages was particularly shattered by this “breach of trust”. The US-Iran fling has not only broken up the ménage-a-trois, it has brought Saudi Arabia and Israel much closer as well.

“The two have always found each other compatible. They share virtually the same viewpoints, beliefs and agendas. They might differ in their outlook, but at this stage in their lives they’re virtually tailor-made for one another,” a leading Middle Eastern love guru said.

Eyewitnesses told Khabaristan Today that as expected Israel said, “Yes” to Saudi Arabia’s proposal, even though no formal statement has been released. With this wedlock established all eyes are now on US and Iran to announce their commitment and make their relationship – which not too long ago might have seemed the most impossible of partnerships – public.