Gay for the Taliban

Put a Talib in a room with a pretty young thing and watch the shards fly

In Pakistan, no one is more persecuted than the Taliban. They’ve been banned, shot at, thrown from helicopters and have had their homes overrun by uncouth soldiers, planting green-and-white flags in their destructive wake. But they don’t have it as bad as, say, homosexuals in India. But if you think about it, the Taliban here are sorta like homosexuals.

Whenever they go out, they go out with a bang. They flourish in hostels, prisons, seminaries (pun intended) and anywhere else where the male population density is inversely proportional to the available square footage. Put a homosexual in the room with a pretty young thing and watch the sparks fly; put a Talib in a room with a pretty young thing and watch the shards fly.

Then there are those who believe that the Taliban are just misunderstood. These ‘liberal-minded’ folk remind us that all men are created equal in the eyes of the Lord and they suggest that we should talk to the Taliban; find out more about their hopes, their dreams, their aspirations and their recipes for cooking up homemade stuff which is simply to die for.

As with any cool new fad, there are posers; people who pretend to be gay and/or Taliban in order to reap the benefits that come with the label. Like straight men pretending to be gay in order to get to the girls of their dreams, many-a copycat has tried and failed to emulate the Taliban’s success. The Asian Tigers, Lashkar-i-Islam, Ansarul Islam and Amar Bil Maroof Wa Nahi Anil Munkar are just some of the imposters that have cropped up in the Khyber Agency. In mainland Peshawar, there are many opportunists looking to make a quick buck. These people are infringing on Taliban bread-and-butter jobs, such as kidnapping-for-ransom, extortion and butchery. Copyright infringement may not mean much to them, but if someone shows up at a party wearing the same suicide vest as you, things are going to get ugly.

The Taliban are a Pukhtun phenomenon with roots in Saudi Arabia-via-South Punjab. The word purse comes from the word pursue, which is a Germanic word with Latin roots. Like women who carry expensive Louis Vittons, Pradas and Chanels, the Taliban too are very brand conscious. They have long since traded in their signature goes-anywhere-works-everywhere weapon of choice by Mikhail Kalashnikov for more bespoke creations by the likes of Smith & Wesson and Beretta. Even their surveillance equipment now features merchandise endorsed by Dr Dre. Many Talibs have even updated their LinkedIn profiles to say, “In an open relationship with Siri”, because she is the only woman who can go anywhere without needing to be flogged. Also, she does not converse with namehram men and fits neatly into the Talib’s pocket.

The saddest part of this tale is that much like other bogeymen before them, the Taliban are also playthings in the hands of a fickle, American god. When it gets tired of playing doctors with its action figures, it subjects them to cruel and unusual death. Like the critically acclaimed Cobra Commander, the hilarious Sodamn Insane or that bag of laffs, Gadaffy Duck. Pretty soon, the Talibs are gonna realize that batteries are sold separately for a reason and that all good things must come to an end.

Conspiracy theorists love telling us that the fault lies not in us, but in our neighbours: the madcap Afghans and the curry-loving surrender monkies to the East. They would have us believe that Shaan Masala, which has been the Masala of choice for heroin smugglers for decades now, is actually a deadly mind controlling nerve agent that turns normal, mosque-going Pakistanis into hedonistic, Bollywood-loving Indophiles. This is, to be sure, not as true as saying that Nigella Lawson turns grown men into drool dispensers. But it is effective propaganda nonetheless, and gullible Pakistanis, such as Mubasher Lucman, often fall into this trap. In an attempt to settle the question once and for all, the Taliban have issued the following statement (exclusive to Pakistan Today):

“The UK has a celebrity called Katie Price (or Jordan). Jordan is getting a lot of praise by the media – in fact many Pakistanis are praising her. And criticizing Veena Malik a lot. Now some media people tell the other media and Pakistanis that even though Jordan has very big personalities (ahem), you should not praise her. This is something against Pakistani nation and homeland. And Veena – however rubbish she is – praise her because she is a Pakistani. Everyone knows that is far from reality. But these people are far from Allah’s faith. So in matters of faith, they don’t know the reality but in worldly matters like the celebutante, they know well.”

You can’t be THAT insightful into celebrity gossip and NOT be gay. It’s just not possible.

The writer is a former journalist currently working in the development sector. Tweets at: @mightyobvious_