Jihad bil Atfaal: Jihad by the babies

What possible good can come out of limiting the number of children one has?

Jihad bil Atfaal (Jihad by the babies) is unfortunately a little known concept within the Islamic realm. However, it is the most convenient among all kinds of jihad and has seen a lion’s share of the Muslim population of the world become mujahideen, striving hard in the name of Allah. Jihad bil Atfaal has been sanctioned after the coming together of Qiyas and Ijtihad. The former by reinterpreting the living daylights out of every single scripture that exists, and the latter because illustrious scholars like yours truly, have the luxury to give whatever verdicts they want, whenever they want, just because we have a massive bush hanging down our faces and can pronounce Arabic using more internal organs than are necessary.

Jihad bil Atfaal is farz (mandatory) for every Muslim who possesses a reproductive system and is old enough to use said system for the noble cause. This particular form of jihad became mandatory the day Dar-ul-Harb developed that particular weapon of mass destruction which threatens the existence and sustenance of Muslims all over the world: contraception.

The kufaar have used this weapon to spread their anti-Islam conspiracies for many a century. Kahun Papyrus in the year 1850 BCE was the earliest infidel to use the anti-Islam arsenal; and his audacity is commendable considering he threatened the existence of Islam two-and-a-half millennia before it came into being. From that moment onwards, the Ancient Egyptians and Greeks to Medieval Europeans all sowed the seeds of this conspiracy which eventually mushroomed to its destructive self in 1909, with Richter Richter developing the munitions from silkworm gut. Since the day the first contraceptive was used in Dar-ul-Harb, every baby that we have produced through Jihad bil Atfaal has been a key to eternal hedonism aka Jannat-ul-Firdos.

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“And since the region has become a perpetual war zone, any endeavour to curtail the production of the mujahideen or any drop in Jihad bil Atfaal would be fatal in Pakistan’s quest of taking over New Delhi, Tashkent, Washington, and Jupiter.”

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This deadly contraceptive artillery has been designed by the West to restrict the number of mujahideen. Militaristic history reveals that while disparity in skill, strategy and weaponry can be a factor, most battles throughout the course of history have been won by the army that outnumbers its opponent. And therefore, there is no better struggle for the uplift of Dar-ul-Islam, and for its security, than mating like bunnies.

I can give you a long list of fatwas declaring birth control to be haram, but let’s think about it logically: what possible good can come out of limiting the number of children one has? Do we want to have small families like those kufaar? Are we daring to challenge Allah’s promise of taking care of all of His creations? Or are we supporting the enemies of Islam by limiting the production of mujahideen? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Generation Z scholar and hence, I do realise that we need to keep our ideology in synchrony with modern times. Therefore, I concur that there are certain conditions where the use of contraceptives is acceptable. Like for instance, you can use contraceptives in your alone time, when you don’t have a partner, or when there is no intention of indulgence in any kind of sexual activity.

Let’s look at the mathematical ramifications of this jihad. Pakistan, the hub of most other kinds of Jihad, is also the proud epicenter of Jihad bil Atfaal. A population of 183,428,000 means Pakistan is flying the flag of Dar-ul-Islam on the population front, along with Indonesia with 237,641,326. With a production rate of 4.3 million mujahideen per annum and a Shahadat rate of 1.2 million per annum, the total mujahideen force in Pakistan by the year 2034 should be in excess of 285 million. And since the region has become a perpetual war zone, any endeavour to curtail the production of the mujahideen or any drop in Jihad bil Atfaal would be fatal in Pakistan’s quest of taking over New Delhi, Tashkent, Washington, and Jupiter.

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“Another fact worth considering is that, as we all know, one Muslim is equal to at least 10 non-Muslims. Therefore, killing one potential mujahid through contraception would give the enemies of Islam a boost of doing away with 10 soldiers. Yes, that’s the number of mujahideen you kill every time you use a contraceptive.”

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And of course Jihad bil Atfaal is the reason why Islam happens to be the fastest growing religion as well.

Pakistan is ranked sixth on the list of most populous countries, two spots behind Indonesia, with two of its biggest enemies India and the US ranked, second and third respectively. To beat these nemeses in this population war, Pakistan would need to counter the contraceptive weapons and firmly grip the concept of Jihad bil Atfaal, especially since the Chinese might not provide too much help on this particular front despite sitting pretty atop the population rankings.

Another fact worth considering is that, as we all know, one Muslim is equal to at least 10 non-Muslims. Therefore, killing one potential mujahid through contraception would give the enemies of Islam a boost of doing away with 10 soldiers. Yes, that’s the number of mujahideen you kill every time you use a contraceptive, which is accompanied by an unfathomable amount of hell fire and a decrease in the honey and milk quota in the afterlife.

Jihad, struggle, is never a cakewalk and Jihad bil Atfaal is no different. It makes no religious or logical sense to try and forestall Allah’s manoeuvres and do something against His wishes. If He wishes you have a child, you have it; if He wishes your financial situation gets messed up, you deal with it; if He wishes your country’s poverty level rises, it’s none of your business; if He wishes the resources per capita decrease below the bare minimum, you figure something out and if having a child wasn’t a part of your plans, you make new plans. For, the Almighty is all-powerful and all-knowing.

Kunwar Khuldune Shahid is a financial journalist and a cultural critic. Email: [email protected], Twitter: @khuldune.