Elections 2013: Winners and losers

Enlisting the real winners and losers of the historic elections

Now that it has been decided that Asif Ali Zardari would be the president and Nawaz Sharif the prime minister of Naya Pakistan, we now finally have the chance to look back and try and figure out who were the real winners and losers of the historic elections. Here are our lists.

WINNERS

The Taliban

The parties they targeted before the elections suffered setbacks of varying proportions, while those who sacrificed their lives challenging them were swept out of Khyber Pakhtunkhwa and have been replaced by their chums. Good times ahead.

The Arabia

While China and the US had their tug of war going on over the exclusive rights to dictate Pakistani affairs, it is Saudi Arabia that might have pocketed the nation. For, PML-N quite often touted as a ‘Punjabi’ party has a quite ‘Arabi’ quintessence. Oh and Mian Sahib would pick the cabinet after his visit to the Arabian Peninsula. Ahem.

Chefs at Gawalmandi

From being the politically chosen ones in Punjab, they would now rule the ‘roast’ all over Pakistan.

Sports shops

The last time a similar number of bats was purchased was back in 1992 when Islam, I mean Pakistan, won the cricket World Cup. Reliable sources have revealed the theme of PTI’s election campaign was sanctioned the moment Shoaib Akhtar hit Mohammed Asif with a bat in South Africa back in 2007.

Saad Rafique

He has been included in the shortlist of the people who can prove that cows can fly, especially the ones residing in NA-125. Hamid Khan, conversely, has been shortlisted among the people with the ability to be left speechless by cows.

Democracy

Calling democracy a winner post Elections 2013 makes you sound like an intellectual, especially if you combine that with remaining shushed about the voters’ turnout in Balochistan. Also, we’ve been told that it’s supposed to be the best revenge. Fitting then that it was PPP who bore the brunt of the vengeance!

United States of America

They win no matter who wins the elections in Pakistan.

Waqar Zaka

He actually got 431 votes. We believe most of them were cast by unemployed cobras.

Bhutto

The man will finally get a breather after being too active and too alive for too long. Maybe he needs to stop coming out of every house for the time being, mull over his options and reincarnate again in five years’ time.

TV Channels

WWE is probably the only entity that has ever got more money out of ridiculous mudslinging.

MQM

No they weren’t originally supposed to be in the ‘Losers’ section; no we weren’t coerced into putting them here and no we don’t find Altaf Bhai scary.

PTI

Taking over Khyber Pakhtunkhwa in their first real elections with Imran Khan looking good to become the opposition leader and keep PML-N on their toes. They’d get some invaluable experience to have a serious tilt in 2018. If Imran Khan has any political nous he’d be over the moon by the election result. However, that ‘if’ is about the size of Immy Bhai’s ego.

LOSERS

PTI fans

Condescending, discriminatory and self-righteous, the tsunami continues to fail to grasp the difference between social media and the real world. After clamouring for national unity in the lead up to the elections the first thing the Insafians did after the results were announced: scorn at the “Punjabis” and talk up the “Pathans”.

Secular parties

The ANP, the MQM and the PPP all suffered blows. Asfandyar Wali Khan might rethink the clearly unpopular stance of challenging the Taliban, Altaf Hussain might look for new bullying ways and Bilawal Bhutto might finally start taking interest in the other kind of parties.

Businessmen

They voted in numbers for the PML-N, hoping that they would be allowed to continue the grand tradition of not paying any taxes – and also way overdue bank loans. Maybe this time round they are in for a not-so-pleasant surprise. This lion, they say, has changed his colours.

Iran-Pakistan Pipeline

That, ladies and gentleman, is the official curtain call on IP. Say hello to TAPI.

Aabpara

The party that on paper looks the most likely to give the establishment the tongue-out has come to power. And one of the foremost tasks for the ruling party would be the appointment of the next army chief. The last one they appointed threw them not just out of power and, in a fit of sheer kindness, also chucked them out of the country.

Big backsides

Imran Khan became the legend of the fall a few days before the polls. After looking at the camera footage and other images a generously sized backside became the butt of accusations. Thankfully IK is safe and healthy despite the butting manoeuvres, for, that would have been one tragic ‘assassination’.

Khyber Pakhtunkhwa

Five different political parties have formed the government in the province over the past 20 years. Soon they would run out of parties to dump out.

NA-125 and NA-250

Everyone on Facebook resides in the former and everyone on Twitter lives in the latter. It is suspicious that the only two constituencies that were multiples of 125 had the most vociferous allegations of rigging. Didn’t the B’nai B’rith establish the Jewish Lodge in 1888, exactly 125 years ago? Aren’t those Jews good at mathematics? Hmmm!

Ministry of water & power and ministry of petroleum

The PML-N’s coup de grace sees the ministries being merged into one. The next government can now destroy two important ministries and get blamed for the obliteration of one.

Fashion designers

Kurtas with Nawaz Sharif’s face wouldn’t sell quite as much now, would they?

First person pronoun

The next prime minister of Pakistan would constantly refer to himself as Nawaz, while the opposition leader would be addressing himself as Imran. This might just signal the fading out of the first person pronoun from all languages understood in Pakistan.

The writer is a financial journalist and a cultural critic. Email: [email protected], Twitter: @khuldune