Journalist for sale

The first person to hit the 50-rupee mark would get him on a 35 percent discount

Attention political parties, establishment personnel, banned athletes, controversial celebrities, terrorist organisations, government officials and real-estate tycoons; we’d like to put a journalist up for auction, with the highest bidder getting the sole ownership of the writer of this piece. This purchase would hopefully fulfill his lifelong ambition of being a part of a list of corrupt journalists who actually make money out of the profession. He has printed out many such mock lists in his moments of dillydallying in the past, but to have his name being enlisted by the Supreme Court one day, would be a dream come true.

This 1988 model, quasi-writer cum pseudo journalist has all the characteristics you need to for an easy-to-use journalist that you can carry around in your pocket. These include the ability to conjure foolproof plagiarism, blatant fabrication and law violation; concealing information, portraying shameless bias, altering documents and photographs, and making intentional reporting errors. Being able to make a mockery of journalistic ethics and credibility, and making unqualified defamatory statements at the drop of a hat, also are invaluable assets.

Another precious quality that might make this a worthwhile purchase is his ability to be involved in every single unethical activity on the surface of this planet and yet have the skill to lecture about honesty, integrity, ethics and other such gibberish with a straight face. He can also show proper transition in his writings from toeing the line of one political party to one that splashes more dough, unlike many renowned columnists in our neck of the woods, whose shift in payrolls is exceedingly obvious. His career goal is to drag Pakistani media from the mediocrity that yellow journalism is and to take it to somewhere around the orange or mustard mark where scandal mongering, sensationalism and false reporting reach new heights.

He considers Fareed Zakariya, Dr A.Q Khan and Jayson Blair as his plagiarism gurus and has the potential to reach their high standards of bootlegging. He believes he can conduct planted interviews much more flawlessly than Mubashir Lucman and Meher Bokhari and is willing to do anything to please Malik Riaz or any other property magnates, by portraying them as philanthropists crawling straight out of a book of ethics. He also believes he can do a better job at photoshopping sensationalist images than Adnan Hajj and has a better repertoire of swear words than Nazir Naji and Amir Liaquat to fall back on if/when he is asked about the recent transactions in his bank account or is caught displaying his colourful side off air.

He also has the ability to use religious pretense to shroud his intentions and put on a holier than thou façade. Being a part of the Pakistani media he knows how to personify subservience and steer clear of the wrath of the military establishment. He also knows how to ease himself into the very conspicuous bonding of the rightwing with the pseudo liberals who continue to turn a blind eye to the ‘general’ knowledge. And most importantly he knows that when the Balochs are massacred, Shias are ethnically cleansed and Pashtuns are tormented you are supposed to remain shushed, hide the ethnic identities of the victims and focus instead on Sunny Leone’s next item number.

He also knows about the significance of the social media to promote ridiculous opinions, by personifying broken records. As soon as someone helps him eradicate the apprehensions regarding earning the proverbial bread and better, he’d be ready to open the predisposed floodgates and tweet like there is no tomorrow. He is also familiar with privacy impeachment techniques a la News of the World and has the complete arsenal to tout your good selves as the best thing since sliced bread.

According to him, it is absolutely appalling to see the recent list of journalists, who were paid secretly during the PPP regime, being released by the Supreme Court of Pakistan. Because, of the disbursements that totaled up to Rs177.98 million, not a single penny was earned by the up and coming journalists who are toiling hard, day and night, for someone to give them an opportunity to showcase their inner corrupt selves. Someone needs to take a leap of faith and realise the fact that not only are these youngsters adept enough to match their seniors’ towering achievements in dishonesty, but brainwashing them should be considerably easier as well. Some of them might publish whatever nonsense you’d want just for a byline, others might be willing to do that for food.

This particular journalist being auctioned is brimming with blinkeredness, fraud, dishonesty, deceit and greed, and is looking for someone to give him the opportunity to channelise these traits into something that would result in the uplift, development and betterment of his wallet. He has volumes of prejudice, bigotry and bias lying in the wait, for anyone who can match the not-so-high price tag. Just like Armstrong Williams received $241,000 to write favourably about the Bush administration, this journalist is willing to do that for the next ruling party in Pakistan for 241,000 times less that amount. He’s ready to wear his pair of rose-tinted glasses, as soon as someone gets him a new pair of expensive lenses.

With only 15 more days to the general elections, you really need to come forward and up the ante on the bidding process. There’s a 90-day, no questions asked, money back guarantee that comes with this journalist, and the first person to hit the 50-rupee mark before the start of May would get him on a 35 percent discount. All those interested please feel free to contact us on our helpline: 111-WTF-WTF.

The writer is a financial journalist and a cultural critic. Email: [email protected], Twitter: @khuldune