Applying Articles 62, 63 to other professions

Will help filter out the righteous in the country

Election Commission of Pakistan’s (ECP) implementation of Articles 62 and 63 of the Constitution deserves a 10-minute standing ovation all over Pakistan, for it has aptly demonstrated how the two articles can be used to filter out the righteous in the country. The articles showcase who warrants a place in the Parliament and who deserves to be given the boot, in turn telling us who is fit enough to be a politician and who isn’t. ECP’s viva voce ensures that only the able rise to the top.

I am amazed that no one has thought of implementing these articles in other professional realms. If you have such a foolproof mechanism in place to sift the competent from the inept, you pretty much have a one-pronged solution to ascertaining that only the deserving get a chance to serve the country. Here’s how application of Articles 62 and 63 can enhance professions in Pakistan by making them go through various tests…

Scientists

Candidates will be tested for their ability to use water as a fuel. Furthermore, special preference would given to those applicants who can prove that the covalent bonding between Hydrogen and Oxygen molecules in Aab-e-Zamzam ensures that the shared electrons align themselves in such a way so as to read “Allah,” according to the Arabic text. Those who can elucidate that smart phone technology was conjured by the Arabs 1,400 years ago, thanks to divine inspiration, will have front row seats in science workshops.

Viva voce question: Name any five Muslim scientific discoveries stolen by kafirs.

Doctors

Candidates will be tested for their ability to prove that all medicine has been derived from religious scriptures, wherein all medical solutions can be found. They will be asked to enlist the most common diseases in Pakistan and the corresponding duas that cure them.

Viva voce question: Enumerate the 7,419,263,419 health benefits of praying five times a day

Barbers

Candidates will be tested for their ability to crop out various beard styles, like for instance the Muhammad Bin Qasim cut, Sultan-e-Room chop and the Mawan II strip. They will also be asked to give a presentation on various beards and their corresponding level of piety.

Viva voce question: What was the average length of Mahmoud Ghaznavi’s beard?

Journalists

Candidates will be tested for their ability to chicken out of debates involving religion. Those aspiring to be a part of the English speaking media would be asked to showcase hypocrisy and refusal to be brutally honest when commenting on matters pertaining to religion. Their ability to write emotionally arousing pieces on terrorism without addressing its root cause would be well-appreciated.

Viva voce question: What is the most effective way of blaming everything that is wrong in this country on the US?

Social Workers

Candidates will be tested for their ability to be easily offended. They will be asked about the methods of orchestrating mobs to burn down the houses of infidels and of those that insult religion. Feminists will be asked to prove how there is no better means of ensuring gender equality than allowing a man to marry multiple times. Human rights activists will be asked to prove how homosexuality is unnatural despite its presence in a plethora of animal species.

Viva voce question: How many days have passed since YouTube was banned in Pakistan?

Fashion Designers

Candidates will be tested for their ability to make shalwars for men that never slide below the ankle. They will also be asked to take instructions from male guardians to design clothes for women that ensure the men’s honour and dignity. Those designers that design burkas, hijabs and abayas that don’t make women look like Ninja Turtles would be disqualified.

Viva voce question: Give examples of the type of clothes women wear that can justify them being raped.

Cricketers

Candidates will be tested for their ability to prostrate before the deity after the most minor of achievements. Aspiring bowlers would undergo a checkup to see if they pray sufficiently enough to ensure that their line and length is good, while budding batsmen would be asked to recite Dua-e-Cover-Drive and Dua-e-Slog-Over-Midwicket. Those failing to thank Almighty Allah in mock post-match interviews would be dumped out.

Vice voce question: Which angel was sent down to help Javed Miandad hit ‘that’ match winning six against India at Sharjah?

Economists

Candidates will be tested for their ability to prove that the only way to bridge the national fiscal deficit is by imposing jizya on non-Muslims. They will also be asked to demonstrate how Muslims should only engage in commerce with the Dar-ul-Islam and avoid any trade ties with Dar-ul-Harb. Those that can break the back of capitalist economic models, by showcasing the atrociousness of interest-bearing (Riba) and speculative (Gharar) trading, will have a part to play in the national Bait-ul-Maal.

Viva voce question: Give reasons to support the argument that shifting from rupee to riyal would solve Pakistan’s financial crisis

Linguists

Candidates will be tested for their ability to give Arabic words fallacious double meanings when they are cornered by reason. They will also be asked to prove that unlike every other language it is virtually impossible to translate Arabic accurately. It would also be examined whether or not candidates can prove that those who read Arabic scriptures regularly have more of a tendency to misinterpret it than those who virtually never go through them.

Viva voce question: Why is Arabic the easiest language to take out of context?

Marketers

Candidates will be tested for their ability to market outdated brands and making them appealing to consumers in the 21st century as well. They will be asked to hide the controversial side of their products and mould them into appearing different to what they are. Those passing the test will be asked to promote the most popular brand in Pakistan on their own TV show.

Viva voce question: Would you prefer Peace TV or QTV?

Historians

Candidates will be tested for their ability to portray imperialist Arabs as national heroes and the guardians of our territory as our enemy. The skill of always proving Muslims right and non-Muslims wrong throughout the course of history would also be examined. Rage and irritation while dealing with hard-hitting questions would be a plus.

Viva voce question: Was Sikandar-e-Azam, Zulqarnain?

Judges

Candidates will be tested for their ability to count the number of female testimonies that would sum up to being equal to that of a single man. They will also be asked about the number of lashes various social and religious deviants deserve, and the reason behind ensuring that atheists, apostates, and homosexuals are stoned to death while child rapists are not.

Viva voce question: How many witnesses does a woman need for her to fight a case if she is gang raped in the Arabian Peninsula?

The writer is a financial journalist and a cultural critic. Email: [email protected], Twitter: @khuldune