Is like Purana Arabia, minus the fairytales
The Naya Pakistan (NP) came into being on May 11, 2013 after Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) – formerly a political party, now an authoritative group consisting of Sahaba-e-Imran – swept the elections in the then democratic Purana Pakistan. The PTI in collaboration with Jamaat-e-Islami (JI) abolished the democratic setup and established a caliphate with Ameer-ul-Momineen, Sardaar-ul-Jihadeen, Umeed-ul-Muslimeen,Dilbar-ul-Khwateen, Imran bin Ikramullah Niazi (R.A) elected as the khalifaby Shura. The idea of Naya Pakistan is said to be conceived by Habeeb-ul-Mujahideen Zia-ul-Haq bin Muhammad Akbar (R.A), however, the general consensus is that it was given birth in the slip cordon at Lord’s in the summer of 1982. Even so, a few academics also believe that the Naya Pakistan is actually named after Naya Rivera, the star of Glee.
The NP is geographically located in South Asia, where Purana Pakistan existed, but its spiritual location is said to be in the Arabian Peninsula. The movement for Naya Pakistan – dubbed Khilafat Movement 2.0 by historians – was carried out by a group of revolutionaries hailed as the ‘Sand Storm’ – formerly called Tsunami, but renamed in synchrony with the spiritual centre’s geography. The revolutionaries tweeted, liked, shared, commented on, trolled and barricaded opposing viral campaigns en route to getting the homeland of their choice. “Uuper Allah, neechay balla” was the revolutionary chant as the Tsunami brigade smashed the heads of their doubters on social media with proverbial (and sometimes actual) bats.
Among the founding fathers of Naya Pakistan, Ameer-ul-JI, Minister of Women Enslavement & Rape Apology, Munawar bin Hasan (R.A) and Ameer-ul-TTP, Minister of Terror & Militaristic Extremism, Hakimullah bin Mesud (R.A), are considered to be the most influential. The former created a new state at a time when his brethren were being sidelined in Bangladesh (formerly Bohat Purana Pakistan), while the latter established Naya Pakistan’s military and security mechanism at a time when there was no bigger threat to any kind of security than the man himself. Both, Waalid-ul-Apologisteen Munwar bin Hasan and Daddy-ul-Mujahideen Hakimullah bin Mesud are considered to be the ideological founding fathers of Naya Pakistan.
Other noteworthy leaders of Khilafat Movement 2.0 include Rahnuma-ul-Sabiqeen Shah Mahmood bin Qureshi (R.A) Minister of Diplomat Scanning, Rehbar-ul-Baghi’een Javed bin Hashmi (R.A) Minister of Rebellion, Sufi-ul-Munafiqeen Salman bin Ahmad (R.A) Minister of Lip-synching on Someone Else’s Vocals and Harasser-ul-Majajaneen Abrar-ul-Haq (R.A) Minister of Eve Teasing.
The NP is a caliphate with Wahabbi Islam as the only state religion. The first and only constitution of NP was written by the Arabs in 7th century AD. The percentage of non-Muslims living in the NP is nada per cent, with the definition of a Muslim clearly defined by Shaamat-ul-Kafireen Ehsanullah bin Ehsan (R.A) in his pamphlet “Now or Never”. Non-Muslims are not allowed to set foot, or any other part of their anatomy for that matter, inside the NP.
The NP’s female suppression, child abuse and human rights violation is in synchrony with Saudi Arabia. It’s obsession with religion, extremism and terrorism is said to have actually surpassed the level of its Arabian godfathers. It is being said that the Naya Pakistan is basically Purana Saudi Arabia minus the fairytales.
The NP’s economy took a nosedive after the Sharaee economists failed to factor in the minor detail, that the deity has not bestowed upon their country the same volume of oil as Saudi Arabia. That and the multi-billion-dollar projects to convert the rivers into oases have taken its toll on agriculture and in turn on the national GDP, which is measured in number of dates per capita. Furthermore, considering the fact that the Naya Pakistan only engages in trading relations with ‘true Muslim’ states who have all been given the MFN (Muslim Favourite Nation) status, the fiscal deficit is rising and foreign reserves are depleting. In a bid to follow the footsteps of their godfathers after years of labour, toil and date splurge, the NP finally resembles the desert landscape that its founding fathers envisaged.
Despite the fatwa against load shedding and corruption, declaring them to be haram, the Naya Pakistan’s energy crisis doesn’t seem like easing any time soon. The NP’s refusal to take kafir gas through IPP (Iran-Purana Pakistan) Pipeline has also exacerbated the fiscal dilemma in the country. And hence, International economists have dubbed the NP as the poor momin’s Saudi Arabia.
The NP’s school curriculum declares Hazrat Adam (AS) as the first Naya Pakistani, who fought off Zionist conspiracies and Hindu nationalist movements to safely land on earth. The textbooks also highlight how the US created deviants and in turn formulated the Shia-Sunni divide 812 years before Christopher Columbus actually discovered America. The books also reveal how every Naya Pakistani is of Arabic ethnicity and how Indus Valley Civilization is a myth created by the US, Zionists and India (formerly Intehai Purana Pakistan) who are all jealous of the greatness of Naya Pakistan.
Some of NP’s cultural sites include: the site on Makran coast where Muhammad bin Qasim’s first footprint in Naya Pakistan is preserved; Mahmoud Ghaznavi’s monument in Multan to celebrate the massacre of Ismaeli Shias back in 1005; and the Arabian sea, because well, the name has ‘Arab’ in it. Adjacent to most of these sites are Saudi bases, which are used by the US to launch halal drone attacks in the neighbouring zones and to protect the cultural heritage of Naya Pakistan.
Before the inception of Naya Pakistan, Imran bin Ikramullah Niazi (RA) and his Tsunami had their detractors. The sceptics called Naya Pakistan “a movement carried out by a bunch of self-important people who believe that the only prerequisite for change is wanting it.” But the Caliph and the Tsunami in collaboration with JI proved everyone wrong by conjuring 15 centuries’ worth of change in no time. It was a small tweak in the form of revolution that did the trick for NP. While revolution leading up to the creation of Purana Pakistan was based on driving out the imperialists, the revolution for Naya Pakistan was based on negotiating with terrorists.
The writer is a financial journalist and a cultural critic. Email: khulduneshahid@gmail.com, Twitter: @khuldune