Naya Pakistan

By
KK Shahid
-
46
192

Is like Purana Arabia, minus the fairytales

The Naya Pakistan (NP) came into being on May 11, 2013 after Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) – formerly a political party, now an authoritative group consisting of Sahaba-e-Imran – swept the elections in the then democratic Purana Pakistan. The PTI in collaboration with Jamaat-e-Islami (JI) abolished the democratic setup and established a caliphate with Ameer-ul-Momineen, Sardaar-ul-Jihadeen, Umeed-ul-Muslimeen,Dilbar-ul-Khwateen, Imran bin Ikramullah Niazi (R.A) elected as the khalifaby Shura. The idea of Naya Pakistan is said to be conceived by Habeeb-ul-Mujahideen Zia-ul-Haq bin Muhammad Akbar (R.A), however, the general consensus is that it was given birth in the slip cordon at Lord’s in the summer of 1982. Even so, a few academics also believe that the Naya Pakistan is actually named after Naya Rivera, the star of Glee.

The NP is geographically located in South Asia, where Purana Pakistan existed, but its spiritual location is said to be in the Arabian Peninsula. The movement for Naya Pakistan – dubbed Khilafat Movement 2.0 by historians – was carried out by a group of revolutionaries hailed as the ‘Sand Storm’ – formerly called Tsunami, but renamed in synchrony with the spiritual centre’s geography. The revolutionaries tweeted, liked, shared, commented on, trolled and barricaded opposing viral campaigns en route to getting the homeland of their choice. “Uuper Allah, neechay balla” was the revolutionary chant as the Tsunami brigade smashed the heads of their doubters on social media with proverbial (and sometimes actual) bats.

Among the founding fathers of Naya Pakistan, Ameer-ul-JI, Minister of Women Enslavement & Rape Apology, Munawar bin Hasan (R.A) and Ameer-ul-TTP, Minister of Terror & Militaristic Extremism, Hakimullah bin Mesud (R.A), are considered to be the most influential. The former created a new state at a time when his brethren were being sidelined in Bangladesh (formerly Bohat Purana Pakistan), while the latter established Naya Pakistan’s military and security mechanism at a time when there was no bigger threat to any kind of security than the man himself. Both, Waalid-ul-Apologisteen Munwar bin Hasan and Daddy-ul-Mujahideen Hakimullah bin Mesud are considered to be the ideological founding fathers of Naya Pakistan.

Other noteworthy leaders of Khilafat Movement 2.0 include Rahnuma-ul-Sabiqeen Shah Mahmood bin Qureshi (R.A) Minister of Diplomat Scanning, Rehbar-ul-Baghi’een Javed bin Hashmi (R.A) Minister of Rebellion, Sufi-ul-Munafiqeen Salman bin Ahmad (R.A) Minister of Lip-synching on Someone Else’s Vocals and Harasser-ul-Majajaneen Abrar-ul-Haq (R.A) Minister of Eve Teasing.

The NP is a caliphate with Wahabbi Islam as the only state religion. The first and only constitution of NP was written by the Arabs in 7th century AD. The percentage of non-Muslims living in the NP is nada per cent, with the definition of a Muslim clearly defined by Shaamat-ul-Kafireen Ehsanullah bin Ehsan (R.A) in his pamphlet “Now or Never”. Non-Muslims are not allowed to set foot, or any other part of their anatomy for that matter, inside the NP.

The NP’s female suppression, child abuse and human rights violation is in synchrony with Saudi Arabia. It’s obsession with religion, extremism and terrorism is said to have actually surpassed the level of its Arabian godfathers. It is being said that the Naya Pakistan is basically Purana Saudi Arabia minus the fairytales.

The NP’s economy took a nosedive after the Sharaee economists failed to factor in the minor detail, that the deity has not bestowed upon their country the same volume of oil as Saudi Arabia. That and the multi-billion-dollar projects to convert the rivers into oases have taken its toll on agriculture and in turn on the national GDP, which is measured in number of dates per capita. Furthermore, considering the fact that the Naya Pakistan only engages in trading relations with ‘true Muslim’ states who have all been given the MFN (Muslim Favourite Nation) status, the fiscal deficit is rising and foreign reserves are depleting. In a bid to follow the footsteps of their godfathers after years of labour, toil and date splurge, the NP finally resembles the desert landscape that its founding fathers envisaged.

Despite the fatwa against load shedding and corruption, declaring them to be haram, the Naya Pakistan’s energy crisis doesn’t seem like easing any time soon. The NP’s refusal to take kafir gas through IPP (Iran-Purana Pakistan) Pipeline has also exacerbated the fiscal dilemma in the country. And hence, International economists have dubbed the NP as the poor momin’s Saudi Arabia.

The NP’s school curriculum declares Hazrat Adam (AS) as the first Naya Pakistani, who fought off Zionist conspiracies and Hindu nationalist movements to safely land on earth. The textbooks also highlight how the US created deviants and in turn formulated the Shia-Sunni divide 812 years before Christopher Columbus actually discovered America. The books also reveal how every Naya Pakistani is of Arabic ethnicity and how Indus Valley Civilization is a myth created by the US, Zionists and India (formerly Intehai Purana Pakistan) who are all jealous of the greatness of Naya Pakistan.

Some of NP’s cultural sites include: the site on Makran coast where Muhammad bin Qasim’s first footprint in Naya Pakistan is preserved; Mahmoud Ghaznavi’s monument in Multan to celebrate the massacre of Ismaeli Shias back in 1005; and the Arabian sea, because well, the name has ‘Arab’ in it. Adjacent to most of these sites are Saudi bases, which are used by the US to launch halal drone attacks in the neighbouring zones and to protect the cultural heritage of Naya Pakistan.

Before the inception of Naya Pakistan, Imran bin Ikramullah Niazi (RA) and his Tsunami had their detractors. The sceptics called Naya Pakistan “a movement carried out by a bunch of self-important people who believe that the only prerequisite for change is wanting it.” But the Caliph and the Tsunami in collaboration with JI proved everyone wrong by conjuring 15 centuries’ worth of change in no time. It was a small tweak in the form of revolution that did the trick for NP. While revolution leading up to the creation of Purana Pakistan was based on driving out the imperialists, the revolution for Naya Pakistan was based on negotiating with terrorists.

The writer is a financial journalist and a cultural critic. Email: [email protected], Twitter: @khuldune

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46 COMMENTS

  1. Imran is the "new look" JI. Only kids are fooled by it especially kids from UK looking for a messiah

    • Plz.. see the beginning the article starts on Election Day .. yet to come so it is a satire .. according to Stylistic rules ~

  2. Nawaz Sharif and Imran Khan are both pro Taliban, at this point the only option to my own surprise seems to be the MQM despite its despotic half mad King in UK.

    • no not at all ~ it can't be pile of rubbish when it is published in a prestigeous English daily .

  5. WOW ..now here we have a cynical and seemingly absolutely hopeless writer, who thinks that IK cannot make a difference for the better..Yes he has a lot of huge issues to tackle, the country has been brought to its knees by the last governments and the change will not come over night, but it can come if the people do their part.
    So give him a chance because it can only get better with him. JMHO

  6. WHAT THE ****!! If this is satire, i want to shoot myself in the head right now. But wait, I want to shoot the author of this extremely pathetic piece of writing first.

  7. You are trying too hard to be Nadeem Paracha. This whole piece has nowhere to go but in a dustbin.

  8. The writer has ridiculed the sensitivities of the majority of Pakistanis. Just because Imran has shown his religious inclinations in the speech and repeatedly said that now he always looks for guidance in the Holy Quran and Muhammad's (PBUH) life, this writer is spitting venom. Dont forget that there is no alliance with JI and the future of seat adjustment is also looking dark

    • Saad it is a pun that JI has probably formed alliance with PTI .. this is a dream .. plz. see the beginning the article starts on Election day ~

    • Oh really! Shall we declare the writer 'Wajib-ul-Qatal' for his daring remarks against Ameer-ul-Momineen Imran bin Ikramullah Niazi (R.A)?

  9. Well here we see the liberal mindset at work again. all i have understood is that the forces that resist change are standing against the flow of history.
    and we know that usually anything that obstructs large flows is washed away.
    hope to see a washed up writer soon.

  10. and anyways imran khan or no imran khan
    pti or no pti the khilafah around the world is coming
    it will be established on the same manner and same laws as the first muslim khilafah
    be a part of it or resist it
    its the peoples choice

  11. An outstanding article, unappreciated by the intolerant masses of Pakistan, who will rather keep their collective heads buried in the Purana Arabian sand than wake up and take note of the downward spiral of the Naya Pakistan. The angry critics only lend credence to the article they vehemently attack!

  13. the guy is a hater on steroids ….

    may he get what he wants soon

    the love of goras he is so desperately trying to attain

  16. Absolutely brilliant! Hilarious and sad at the same time. Very poignant commentary on the state of today’s Pakistan.

    Khuldune is the new NFP. Can’t give him a bigger compliment than that.

  20. why can't we, for once, leave aside our self-righteous issues and enjoy reading satire rather than stooping to our usual low levels of judging and name-calling ???
    Why on earth are my Insafian friends so intolerant towards any criticism directed their way ? I recently read another satirical article by Khludune, comparing Hulk with Shahbaz Sharif and there was hardly any criticism compared to the wrath thrown the author's way in the above-appended remarks !

  21. I believe there is nothing vindictive about this article . it is a satire and plz ~ see the beginning it opens with ironical tune .. when he says , naya Pakistan was created on 11th may he means 11th may 2013 .. ~ yet to come .. hmm .. an excellent beginning ~

  22. This article is derogatory to my "invented" illegitimate fore-fathers and I strongly recommend that the SC consider a new law with double penalties. It should be called "aggregated blasphemy" just like "aggregated assault" or felony or "insulting Urdu" our holy tongue. Love the article. Thanks for the truth

  25. If it was on a newspaper i would have said waste of ink but its the internets! People like you are king on this platform.
    Btw what you have assumed in this article hasn't happened yet so stop fooling people.

  28. liberal Fascist (thus not truth tellers) and Religious Conservatives continue to hold the rhetoric beliefs and criticize Imran Khan one alleging him to be "supporter of Taliban", and the other alleging him to be "Yahudi lobi", while true philanthropists gather under his umbrella to benefit humanity. Justice-Humanity-Self esteem- PTI

  30. thanks for understanding the truth. The 'change' seekers are actually seeking a 'loose change'. Youth with no understanding of the past are blinded by this fake rhetoric. There are people who are doing the thinking like you! thumbs up!

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