The Hulk vs The Shahbaz

Who would win in a fight between The Incredible Hulk and Shahbaz Sharif?

Comic book superheroes are often pitted against one another to see who’d come out on top in a hypothetical matchup. Eons can be consumed while deliberating over the winner of parallel universe matchups, as respective aficionados relentlessly dig out evidence to support the case for their hero’s triumph. And so in a proposal that would whet the appetite of comic book buffs all over the world, we present a scrumptious superhero matchup, the final verdict of which would of course be left to the reader’s discretion. It’s Marvel Comics’ The Incredible Hulk taking on Ittefaq Comics’ The Incredulous Shahbaz Sharif, in what could be dubbed the fight of the century.

It would be intriguing to see the two powerhouses exchange blows and flaunt their best moves in this epic battle. The Hulk’s infinite physical strength, regeneration, endurance, durability and resistance to injury make him a daunting prospect for most superheroes. Even so, The Shahbaz has his own repertoire of superpowers that can counter any character from any comic book series. It is of course, extremely important that the strengths of both superheroes are properly gauged before any verdict is announced.

The Hulk has muscle and The Shahbaz has maslay. The Hulk is prone to emotional instability and The Shahbaz is prone to infrastructural instability. The Hulk’s clap can orchestrate wind and The Shahbaz’s clap can orchestrate Raiwind. The high tensile strength of The Hulk’s skin protects him from shells, bullets, shells, rockets, missiles and grenades, while the thickness of The Shahbaz’s skin protects him from arrows, bats, cycles, kites and inkpots. The Hulk can leap across continents or into lower Earth orbit, while The Shahbaz can leap from Model Town to Gulberg, or into lower-Ichhra from Wahdat Road. The Hulk has rehealing powers that heal his wounds in seconds, while The Shahbaz has an iOS application iRepel that provides protection against mosquito bites. The Hulk has the potential to summon omnidirectional bursts of kinetic energy to obliterate the planet, while The Shahbaz can do that without any superhuman powers, thanks to Punjab Communication and Works Department and Lahore City Development Authority.

The Hulk can resist solar temperature, planet-shattering impacts and nuclear explosions, while The Shahbaz can resist military quakes and Facebook tsunamis. The more emotional adversity The Hulk faces, the stronger he gets, and the more political adversity The Shahbaz faces, the more flyovers he makes. Both The Hulk and The Shahbaz age slowly, manifest the intelligence of a five-year-old, show resistance to mind-control, are made up of electromagnetic rays (gamma-rays and phajja-rays respectively) and are alter egos (of Dr Bruce Banner and an octopus, respectively).

Both superheroes are neck-and-neck in terms of their superhuman arsenal, but realistically one would have to say that The Hulk would be the underdog in this fight. There are a lot of secret powers that The Shahbaz possesses that can outdo The Hulk. And so, even though The Hulk might have what it takes to edge out the man of steel, we don’t believe he can handle the wherewithal of the man of steel mills.

The first power that can give The Shahbaz a decisive lead is his ability to turn things into the ‘les miserables’ version of their French counterparts. And if the Lahore-Paris conversion is anything to go by, Le Shahbaz can transform Le Hulk into post-French Revolution Louis XVI, post-European debt crisis Nicolas Sarkozy or post-Marco Materazzi Zinedine Zidane. Another knight in The Shahbaz’s shining armour is the Metro Bus – voted the most powerful superhero automobile ahead of the Batmobile, by comic book fans living either side of Ferozepur Road. The Metro Bus when coupled with the underpasses and flyover constructing prowess and the ability to halt metropolitan traffics at the drop of a hat, gives The Shahbaz the enviable combination of velocity, transportation and structural control that can engineer The Hulk’s downfall.

The ability to assemble Guinness record breakers is another deadly power that tilts the balance in The Shahbaz’s favour. This, when coupled with the laptop production and distribution ability, helps The Shahbaz assemble a faithful army that can stand taller than the mountain that The Hulk held up in Secret Wars # 4. Another feature of this army is that it is virtually untraceable through robust detectors like Twitter and Facebook and it takes trackers as vigorous as IRI Gallup poll to unveil the true strength of this army. The Shahbaz’s Ujala power is another ability that might overcome The Hulk’s cosmic powers and his ability to counter solar energy.

The Hulk should also be wary of The Shahbaz’s magical gift of getting married unexpectedly. Comic book pundits opine that getting hitched with The Hulk could be one of the first manoeuvres that The Shahbaz might adopt, one that might catch The Hulk on the wrong foot. However, astrologists have clearly elucidated that the summation of The Hulk’s anger and emotional instability and that of a spouse would result in the collapse of the solar system.

The clincher, in any case, for The Shahbaz would be the power of LeJ and SSP. If it could be proved that The Hulk is a Shia – even though his skin tone suggests inclination towards the Barelvi sect – the LeJ and SSP will do the rest. However, The Shahbaz would not want the mortal combat to go that far with May 11 fast approaching.

The Hulk might have eaten Galactus, thrown Superman into space, smashed an asteroid with a single punch, supported weight of continents and ripped Wolverine in half but it would take someone more powerful to challenge The Shahbaz. Fans of The Imran believe that their hero has got what it takes. Luckily, we’ll all have a pretty nice preview of that potential fight, tomorrow.

The writer is a financial journalist and a cultural critic. Email: [email protected], Twitter: @khuldune