A modest proposal

For preventing the religious minorities in Pakistan from being a burden to their country

It is a melancholy object to those, who are the champions of humanity, when they see the state of the minorities in this country. They see misery, discrimination and intolerance as non-Muslims continue to suffer at the hands of their religious identity. Mothers, instead of praying for the sustenance of their family, beg the deity to ensure their children return home alive. These children are nurtured in religious revulsion, and as they grow up, they either acquiesce to the bigotry and accept their status as second-class citizens or leave their dear native country to fight for their right to be recognised as human beings.

I think it is unanimously agreed by all sane parties that the plight of religious minorities, that has seen them being reduced to unproductive citizens, is indeed one of the greatest grievances of the country. And so anyone, who can come up with an inexpensive method of making the minorities useful and sound members of Pakistan, would deserve a statue to be erected in their name. However, my intention is not merely limited to enhancing the utility of non-Muslims in Pakistan. The idea can eventually be extrapolated to include non-Muslims all over the globe.

On my part, I have gone through every concerned scripture – divine or otherwise –throughout the past many years that I’ve mulled the issue. Many connoisseurs have come forward with their theories to answer the minority question, but every one of them, in my humble opinion, has fallen short of coming up with a well-rounded scheme to ensure that minorities become fruitful state members and in turn see their social status climb up the pecking order.

The pros and cons; the rationalities and absurdities; the economics, mathematics, geography, religion and ethics; everything has been factored into this plan that would benefit both the country as a whole and the condition of the minorities. The scheme would help Pakistan overcome many of the predicaments that it faces – namely religious extremism, energy crisis, fiscal deficit, corruption, population growth, air pollution, etc – and give the religious minorities the opportunity to finally get the acknowledgement of the Muslims.

There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme: it will prevent the suicide bombings and that horrid practice of targeted killings, which is, alas, too frequent in this country. The religious divisions and animosities would also be sorted out, which would convert this shambolic country into a hub of tranquility.

The number of souls in this Islamic republic being usually reckoned 190 million, of these I calculate around 35 million Shias, 2.1 million Christians, 1.1 million Hindus, 300,000 Ahmadis, 100,000 Baha’is and 20,000 Sikhs, Buddhists and Parsis each. Furthermore there are many atheists, agnostics and apostates in the country whose count is unknown. I calculate the total population of the minorities to be around 40 million – which is over 21 percent of the total population – from which I subtract 10 million, who can be manipulated or coerced into converting to the right kind of Islam. Of the remaining 30 million I further subtract 5 million that can be compelled to hide their religious identity and to pretend to be the right kind of Muslims. Of the 25 million that would remain, around two million can be driven out of the country for good.

There should only remain around 23 million people who would be classified as religious minority. The question therefore is: how this number can be involved in doing something constructive for the country that also results in national peace, which under the current state of affairs is absolutely impossible by every single scheme hitherto proposed? For, they can neither be employed in the clergy nor as religious teachers. They cannot be relied upon as doctors or engineers. They cannot be assigned a role in the media, politics, education, bureaucracy, law enforcing authorities, or in any other sector where they would have any sort of power or any inkling of influence over the public opinion.

Taking the average weight of a Pakistani to be around 50kg, which when multiplied by 23 million, gives us 1.150 billion kilograms (1.150 million tonnes) of human resource. Taking estimation errors into account, we should have at least 1 million tonnes of mass available.

I shall now humbly put forward my own plan, which I hope would not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing Saudi physicist that a non-Muslim corpse after undergoing chemical conversion, is an invaluable source of energy. It has an energy content of around 35 megajoules (MJ)/kg, which puts it in the middle of coal (25 to 30 MJ/kg) and crude oil (42 MJ/kg) on the energy scale. And hence from 1 million tonnes of the aforementioned human resource, we can extract 35 billion MJ of energy.

An average power plant produces 1,000 megawatts or 1,000 MJ per second. 35 billion MJ of energy would give an average power plant 35,000,000 seconds (405 days) worth of power. This number is derived from merely those non-Muslims that are alive, when one factors in the graveyards, this number jumps to around 700 days (around two years) worth of power from a national power plant. This should considerably reduce power outages, and bridge the energy deficit in the country.

A truly worthy religious scholar and an expert on non-Muslims, was extremely pleased after hearing my plan. He was of the opinion that if his definition of a non-Muslim is used in this energy generation process, the sample mass would prodigiously increase, giving us up to three years worth of power. Another well-reputed personality revealed his master-plan to unveil the Ahmadis, apostates, atheists and agnostics, since these are the hardest to detect.

I am fully aware of the fact that some scrupulous people might want to censure this thesis on energy generation and tout is as slightly bordering on cruelty (although unjustly so), but they aren’t aware of the multi-pronged prosperity that the project would bring to Pakistan.

First of all the plan would reduce the population of Pakistan by at least 13 percent, and maybe more, depending on which non-Muslim classification is used. This would ensure that the resources available per person would increase. Secondly, load shedding would be curtailed. Thirdly, with the energy input increasing, the Consumer Price Index (CPI) would become favourable in the long run and inflation would decrease from the current 11 percent to around 4.5 percent. Fourthly, depending on fuel utility the rates of CNG, petrol and dollar would plummet from around Rs 90, 105 and 97 to Rs 15, 19 and 18 respectively. Fifthly, the whole talk of Kalabagh Dam and increasing work on other dams would be shelved. Sixthly, you would have religious harmony in the country since every single deviant would be flowing from the national grid in the shape of electrons. Seventhly, all forms of terrorism would be curbed since the project’s supervision requires the expertise of the likes of the Taliban who would then have to be an integral part of the government.

Many other advantages can also be enumerated, for example the project would once and for all bury the oxymoron that “secular Pakistan” is. The tiring debate on what exactly is Jinnah’s Pakistan would also be laid to rest, and of course the increase in energy sector investment would boost the economy.

I can really think of not one objection that can be raised against the scheme, unless it is raised by those that are against the well-being of this country. Everyone wants a Pakistan that is self-sufficient in its energy needs, and everyone wants a Pakistan without religious fundamentalism. Two birds, one stone and all that…

The writer is a financial journalist and a cultural critic. Email: [email protected], Twitter: @khuldune