‘I have a drone’

Excerpts from the US president’s inaugural address

US President Barrack O Bomber’s speech for his second public inauguration as the American president has been hailed as a milestone for the nation. It’s being called the second coming of Martin Luther King Jr’s speech 50 years ago. And in an eerie assortment of coincidences, Bomber’s address came on the same day as the national holiday that is earmarked for the man who spoke out against racial discrimination. A lot of similarities between King’s speech and Bomber’s speech have been pointed out, and while the former was titled, “I have a dream”, the latter is appropriately named, “I have a drone”.

Here are a few excerpts from the US president’s address:

“Dear fellow Americans and Red Sox fans, every time we gather for a presidential inauguration, we bear witness to another nut-head talking himself up as he elucidates how he shall be toying with the country and indeed the world for the next four years. Fortunately, thanks to all of you I will be that nut-head for the second term running…”

Bomber was quick off the blocks.

“What makes (Americans) exceptional – what makes us arrogant – is hypocritical allegiance to that idea, articulated in that declaration two centuries ago: ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal (with Americans being more equal than others), that they are endowed with certain unalienable rights (unless they refuse to align themselves with American policy), that these rights include life, liberty and a pursuit of happiness (only for the allies; for others we have death, suppression and a pursuit of helplessness). We are two-faced, we are shameless, we are hypocrites – we are Americans…”

And that was the US president describing the quintessential American. He then went on to showcase his credentials as an archetypal US citizen, and a worthy American president.

“Being hypocritical is in the American ethos, and throughout the previous four years I have continued and built upon the US presidents’ tradition of hypocrisy at the international stage. The world became aware of the fact that I had been taking coaching lessons in sentimentality from crocodiles as I cried over the killings in the Connecticut school shooting and continued to order drone attacks that have killed 97 children under the age of 18 in Pakistan alone. And then I famously defended Israel during its conflict with Gaza in November, claiming how no country would stand missiles being thrown in its territory and continued to orchestrate drone attacks in Yemen and Pakistan. Bloody hell, I was on fire during the tail-end of last year!”

Hypocritically yours, B O Bomber.

“For more than 200 years we have meddled in other countries’ affairs, fought pointless wars, created imaginary foes, imposed biased sanctions and defended skewed treaties all in the pretense of justice, freedom and equality. Together we determined that as long as you have the clout and the stick, you can claim your dictatorial manoeuvres to be democratic. Together we discovered that there is no better way to establish your allies than foreign aid. Together we resolved that instead of encouraging the nations to fight terrorists in their own country, we should haphazardly bomb sovereign states. Throughout it all, we have never relinquished our right to act like chickens when someone gives us a dose of our own medicine, nor have we succumbed to the fiction that every country should mind its own business. Our celebration of breaches and impositions, our insistence on spreading pointless propaganda against any nation that vies to grow into our global challenger, are constants in our lack of character…”

He had tears in his eyes, as his speech soared towards its zenith. This point onwards Bomber’s words bear an uncanny resemblance to Martin Luther King Jr’s famous speech of 1963.

“It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This freezing winter of swamping debt will not pass till we locate imaginary weapons of mass destructions in China that is spanking our fiscal backside. Two thousand and thirteen is not an end, but a beginning. We need to continue to afford the luxury of scrutinising our pipeline projects like Keystone XL with regards to environmental constraints, while threatening to shut down projects like IP that are catering to basic energy and fiscal needs. We need to continue to afford double standards that allow us to pressurise Iran with sanctions ostensibly owing to its nuclear enrichment programme, while we gift wrap destructive arsenal as our little chum Israel’s annual Christmas present. We need to continue to afford duplicity that allows us to hobnob with dictators as long as they tow our line, and then hunt them down when they don’t, flying the flag of democracy…”

The US president was pretty clear about the need of the hour. And then he went on to elaborate in detail why ‘drone’ would eventually become the US emblem.

“We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of destruction and drone. We must not allow our peaceful core to protest against brutal violence. Again and again we must rise to the sky above sovereign lands and beat soul force with drone force. I am not unmindful that most of you have come here because you had nothing better to do, but let me assure you that we will strike a drone on the behalf of every single one of you; without any bias, without any discrimination…”

As emotions soared, so did the drones, as Bomber was about to unleash his oral bomb.

“I say to you, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a drone. It is a drone, deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a drone that one day, will rise up and demolish every differing creed. I have a drone that one day, will strike the brown hills of North Waziristan as echoes of the screams of innocent victims reverberate in the valleys. I have a drone that even the state of Pakistan, a state used to acquiescing to all sorts of injustices in exchange for money, will eventually protest against. I have a drone that my children, and yours, will continue to be oblivious of, at the expense of the children of other nations. I have a drone today.

I have a drone that one day will strike the Middle East, with a TNT looking for an excuse to ignite, with its leaders so obviously nutcases that one day there in the Middle East little Iranian boys and little Iranian girls will be killed along with little Israeli boys and little Israeli girls as I launch the drone that would result in nuclear warfare. I have a drone today.

I have a drone that will ensure one day that every valley is obliterated, every hill and mountain shall be annihilated, every plain will be made rough, every straight place will be made crooked, and the wrath of Uncle Sam shall be revealed, all flesh shall be wiped out together.

Let drones strike the cave complex of Tora Bora!

Let drones strike the fiscal nerve of Tehran!

But not only that; let drones strike the financial centre of Beijing!

Let drones strike the stability of Pyongyang!

Let drones strike every inch of Afghanistan and Iraq. From every potentially peaceful place, let the sound of a drone ring.

And when this happens, when we allow drones to ring from every village, every city and every state, we will be able to speed up that day when all of Uncle Sam’s targets are razed. And then we can all sing in unison, ‘Droned at last! Droned at last! Oh Uncle Sam, we have droned everyone at last!’”

The US president signed off amidst rapturous applause, with a local band playing Motorhead’s “Bomber” in the background…

The writer is a financial journalist, and politico-social critic. Email: [email protected], Twitter:@khuldune