The bulletproof monk

And the art of khaki democratic dictatorship

Congratulations, congratulations, congratulations! We are on our path to salvation, we will bring the whole world down and in order to do this, my brothers and sisters, we must take our own country down first and this will happen today. Today! Today!

Those who want to leave, can leave now but please be patient, my fellow revolutionaries, enjoy God’s rehmat and don’t leave until we have managed to make a complete ‘revolution’ out of ourselves. As for those of you who are not with us, sun lo, our faith is as thick as our one and only bullet proof container.

A sparkle of holiness is a joy forever, says our good old general and that is the beauty of it. We are the bastions of God, the ultimate caretakers of this holy land plagued by the unholy democracy. We can outmaneuver it, trample it, bypass it, exempt ourselves from everything that goes through the lens of democracy and yet we will be first one to pass through the doors to heavens on the Day of Judgment.

As to the question of who was hatched first out of Islamic Republic of Pakistan – democracy or dictatorship? The answer is yet to be decided, so give us another chance for ten more years and we will set this question straight by making sure that nobody asks this question in the first place.

We will be remembered in primary class history books under the title of “Dictators who managed to lose democratic weight by gulping two scoops of democracy thrice a day” or maybe as “The art of khaki democratic dictatorship – try it once and you’ll be exempted in this life and the life hereafter”.

It’s a win-win situation both ways, as there are two types of interventions: 1) Divine intervention; and 2) Jewish/ Indian/American intervention.

Spit on democracy and you will be hailed as saviours of poor civilians, rescuing them from corrupt politicians. It’s called divine intervention.

Fall flat on the face of national expectations, and you are not supposed to be blamed for the mess created. It’s called Jewish/Indian/American intervention.

The loin from the den of you-know-who decided to roar again. The four-day tamasha engulfed our nation already restlessly tip-toeing for our very own desi-ishtyle nargisi revolution. This time it was as badly directed as the big-budget Lollywood chick flicks with unintentionally comical dialogues and oft repeated formula of instant mix-masala. The only difference was that this time it was a box office flop. With the hero being launched as a moderate Islamic messiah, the old formula did manage to stir emotions for those having a ‘thing’ for Nargis’ theatre performances but only for a while.

There were a lot lessons to be realised for producers, directors and disappointed political theatre goers. For once it was set clear that the civilian setup, after many instances of getting repeatedly hijacked by military, is finally able to stand on its own feet (although still fragile), and that too without any salvations form our holy overseers. As far as PTI is concerned, presence of old seasoned politicians in the party might have saved the day amidst all the pressure from amateurish party workers to join the sit-in.

The role of judiciary in current political power sharing arrangement served as a catalyst to the pseudo revolutionary movement. Although dubbed as a coincidence, CJ’s judicial ruling to sack the prime minister was a clear message to civilian and military institutions alike that come what may, judiciary’s independence will remain undeterred to outside pressure.

Although, the question, as to how far the military was involved in this long march is still a mystery, but the outcome also made it clear for once and all that after 30 years of dictatorship, the military does not need any hidden agenda anymore. It has been able to garner considerable civilian support and it is now a political party in its own right as the supporters of TuQ and the lead actor himself had no qualms in repeatedly inviting the military to step in and dissolve assemblies. However, it is yet to be seen how far this particular incident has managed to deter ‘revolutionaries’ from taking over the world in one day. As the lesson at the end of the day was that instant mix masalas don’t work, try something intelligent next time.

Viva la democracy!

The writer is a political satirist.

She can be reached at [email protected]