What the TuQ?
The Canadian bagpiper, aka Dr Tahirul Qadri – the Bam Bam Bigelow of the current Pakistani political scene – is world renowned for meeting illustrious figures from the history in his daily hallucination routine. And as his followers continue their resilient sit-in outside the Parliament House in Islamabad, Mr Qadri’s latest daydream is all set to conjure a national and political convulsion.
With most of the demands that he has spurted in the blitzkrieg speeches from his bullet-proof container failing to strike the desired target, Mr Qadri needed a delusional rendezvous with Muhammad Ali Jinnah and Woodrow Wilson for him to pull out his trump card. Following the example of the two legendary figures, Dr Tahirul Qadri has issued his own 14 points that are a nailed-on solution for everything that is wrong in the country. Mr Qadri’s points are the coming together of the 14 points of Wilson, Jinnah and Fascism. This makes him the Captain Planet of 14-point agendas.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow us to exclusively present Tahirul Qadri’s 14 points.
1. No one shall address Dr Qadri as TuQ
Not only does ‘TuQ’ rhyme with the most famous vulgar expletive in the world, much to Dr Qadri’s disgust, it is also a homophone of a local biscuit brand that he’s not too fond of (Dr Qadri prefers his biscuits to be cream-filled). TuQ also borders on Tuk Tuk, and being a quintessential Pakistani cricket aficionado, Dr Qadri is not a fan of Misbah-ul-Haq, who according to him is, “too sensible to be a Pakistani cricketer”.
2. 50,000 should be the new million
Normally 1,000,000 is considered to be equivalent to a million, but Dr Qadri has called for “whoever it may concern” to lower that to around 50,000, to validate his claim of leading a “million-man” march.
3. Two tennis balls should be delivered to General Ashfaq Pervez Kayani’s place every morning till the elections
No idea what this is supposed to mean. Dr Qadri has probably been watching the Australian Open action following the Fajr prayers in the morning.
4. In the Central Legislature the representation of armchair revolutionaries, Muslim apologists and dual nationals shall not be less than one-third each
He might need a lesson or two in fourth-grade mathematics, but he has covered all of his bases on this point. It would give social media jihadis, delusional Muslims and half-Pakistanis the hope of taking over the country.
5. Bilawal Bhutto should never be allowed to address more than three people at a time
Dr Qadri unoriginally dubbed PPP’s chairman the ‘Katrina Kaif’ of Pakistan, and claimed that a lot of people would be spared acoustical torture if this was put into practice. He also touted this clause as being one that would benefit the current ruling party as well.
6. Dr Qadri’s contradictory statement regarding blasphemy should be ignored
The claim that the law does not apply to non-Muslims was stated in English. The assertion that it applies to everyone was in Urdu. Dr Tahirul Qadri is perplexed that no one is extolling his global political correctness.
7. MQM should not be allowed to throw weight behind any movement
Not only is the act of supporting a movement when it is starting off and pulling out midway pretty wretched, MQM chief shifting his weight around can result in ‘natural’ disasters, Dr Qadri opined. When Altaf Hussain threw his weight behind the long march, it dented Dr Qadri’s metal container, destroyed the generators and orchestrated a tsunami in the washroom. As a result a new container had to be built for the long march.
8. One of Veena Malik, Amir Liaquat, Sahir Lodhi or Shahid Afridi should be the caretaker prime minister
No wonder there is a conspiracy theory in circulation that suggests that Dr Qadri is double bluffing, and is actually a PPP stooge. After denting the PML-N and PTI vote bank, he has now given the names of quite possibly the only potential candidates that might make PPP’s tenure seem ‘not-that-bad-after-all’ to the masses.
9. Sindh should be separated from Bombay
Even though we reminded Qadri sahib that it is 2013 and not 1929, he was adamant that he had nostalgic affiliation with the clause. Apparently, this point helped him avoid flunking Pakistan Studies examinations from high school till his graduation.
10. Dr Qadri’s long march would be the last undemocratic way to establish democracy
After the opposition parties “chickened out” of joining the long march and joined hands ostensibly all in the name of democracy, Dr Qadri’s own undemocratic approach came into the spotlight. Not without its fair share of predecessors, Dr Qadri wants his “boo-boo” to be the last of its kind.
11. The Qadri hat should be earmarked as the symbol of change in Pakistan
Some claim it seems as if someone has birled a fruit bowl on Dr Qadri’s head, others call it a quasi-Sir Syed hat, while Rehman Malik had pretty derogatory remarks of his own to say to the media regarding the hat. Meanwhile, mathematicians are intrigued by the geometry of Qadri’s headwear, which according to scientists might tell us a lot more about the origin of the universe. Being so unorthodox and atypical, and with so much noise being generated apropos the Qadri hat, it is only fitting that it’s declared the symbol of change.
12. Fatwa should be declared against load shedding and inflation
Mr Qadri argued that since there was no load-shedding in the 7th century AD, it is actually haram and that a blasphemy case should be launched against the government that summons power outages. Similarly, inflation wasn’t found anywhere in the Islamic scriptures as well and it should face the same treatment, he said. Maybe Dr Qadri would do the honours himself and write a 600 pager akin to the one he wrote against terrorism.
13. Corruption should be declared the new national sport
If the general indifference towards the current national sport is anything to go by, this might solve the national predicament once and for all. Although if the sport is a part of the 2016 Olympics games in Rio de Janeiro, we’re a shoo-in for the Gold, as things stand.
14. Supreme Court should tackle someone its own size
Even though the SC’s call for the arrest of Prime Minister Raja Pervaiz Ashraf was a massive coup for the long march, Dr Qadri is sick and tired of SC harassing the PMs alone. It’s open for interpretation whether “someone its own size” connotes the military, the president, Mohammed Irfan or a dinosaur.
The 14 points might not be everyone’s cup of tea or glass of lassi but there’s no denying the impact that they would have on the current political picture that is hanging on the proverbial knife’s edge. And while many a politician, columnist and satirist is castigating Dr Qadri, the man himself had a very emphatic rebuttal for every single one of his detractors that was given an exclamation mark courtesy an exaggerated tongue-out, “Jo kehta hai who khud hi hota hai!”
The writer is a financial journalist and politico-social satirist. Email:
[email protected]; Twitter: @khuldune.