It was a passionate affair as the PTI chief dates TTP’s spokesperson
Disclaimer: This piece of writing is fictional, but any resemblance to any living or dead person may or may not be intentional.
In what is being termed a major breakthrough in PTI’s (Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaaf) endeavours to negotiate with the TTP (Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan), PTI Chairman Imran Khan shared coconut water with TTP Spokesperson Ehsanullah Ehsan, in a shady corner of Bagh-e-Jinnah, Lahore, yesterday. According to reports, Imran Khan was about to send Ehsanullah Ehsan his 31752nd missed call in the past three months in the early hours of yesterday morning, when Ehsan mistakenly picked up the call, and acquiesced to meeting up. It was the first time the pair talked since a Skype spat in mid-October, when Ehsan had called Imran “too clingy” following a bear-hug emoticon too many as they discussed TTP’s attack on Malala Yousafzai. That particular Skype call is also considered to be a significant turning point in the PTI-TTP relations, since it was the first time Imran had refused to turn on his webcam, because “his hair was a mess”.
Yesterday afternoon around 1 pm, TTP’s spokesperson was seen sitting under a palm tree behind Quaid-e-Azam Library with a burqa laden lady. The woman was later discovered to be the PTI chairman with the first clues to her identity being exaggerated hand gestures, excessive use of the word ‘Tsunami’ and constant usage of ‘Imran’ in lieu of the customary first person pronoun. Eyewitnesses also found it odd that a lady wearing a burqa was imitating Junaid Khan’s bowling action on the jogging track while a “creepy looking man” looked on with utter indifference. Confused onlookers perceived the meeting as a “mini majlis on religious dating” even though the only attendees were a scary looking cat, a filth-covered bench and the palm tree.
According to eavesdroppers Ehsan’s date with Imran was a passionate affair, with quite a lot of differences popping up between the couple. Following the trend of their meetings, Imran brought up their bone of contention after the coconut was half empty. Followers of the issue know that Imran wants TTP to acknowledge that they are the creation of US drone attacks and once these attacks stop the Taliban would “behave themselves”; and so Imran repeated his rhetoric. Reports confirm that at this point Ehsan quite uncharacteristically gave Imran an overstated tongue-out, made the ‘L for loser’ sign on his forehand and went on to ask Imran if he had been freaking kidding him. The TTP spokesperson then categorically stated that the current TTP chief, Hakimullah Mehsud, was fundamentally against American products and to accept that their organisation was one, would be a “colossal booboo”.
Ehsan also asked Imran to finally understand the difference between TTP and the Afghan Taliban “for the love of god”. He reiterated that TTP had nothing to do with the US manoeuvres and was more concerned with taking over Pakistan by implementing Sharia, uprooting the current constitutional and democratic setup of Pakistan and proclaiming the rule of Khilafat. At this point Imran asked, “Would I be the Khalifa?” making a meal of pretending to be an “innocent princess”. “Not if you continue to act like a confused (vulgar expletive)” replied Ehsan assertively.
When asked for comments, Hamid Siddique, 52, a canteen owner in Bagh-e-Jinnah, said, “I’ve seen my share of peculiar dates, but I haven’t seen anything like this before.” Describing the bizarreness of the date Siddique added, “The only time the couple held hands was during an arm wrestling match to decide who gets to have the final sip of the coconut water.” A senior PTI official after being questioned about the affair began pulling his hair and screamed, “That (same vulgar expletive) has always had problems hiding his affairs. I am sick of converting his idiocy into politically correct statements.”
Imran Khan has, however, rubbished the assertion, claiming that he has hidden many an affair over his successful career as a playboy. Ehsanullah Ehsan labelled the meeting a “fruitful reunion” after confirming with the reporter that coconuts were indeed fruits. Hakimullah Mehsud wasn’t available for comments.
The writer is Editor, Business/City (Karachi), Pakistan Today. Email: [email protected] Twitter: @khuldune
Great write-up. It would be interesting to see PTI supporters comment on the same note what the writer has tried to portray.
Really loving it, great expression.
It's easy to condemn Talibans than solve the terrorism problem. Current PPP gov condemned these Talibans a LOT but did NOT achieve anything and in fact terrorism increased a lot more. Everyone issues statements, condemns them and then comes another attack.
People can keep criticizing Imran but he is asking people to do more than just CONDEMN and he has presented a solution which may/may not work but how on earth is he helping Talibans? If people are happy with i condemn Talibans statements then keep living in fool's paradise than we can tackle these animals.
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