Things never to write on your resume

Your resume should sell your skills and experience to the world, but there’s plenty of people who are a few feet short of the runway. Here’s some of them:
-No more dog: “Interests: I love animals and used to own a dog”
-Working at **** airline, I gained experience managing cabin crew in a pressurised environment.
-Candidate working at a pharmaceutical company: I literally ‘climbed the ladder’ in this organisation.
-Drive down quality: A marketing professional with a ‘never settle for the best’ attitude.
Why would you settle for best when mediocre is available? Hell, push it further and see if you can achieve poor.
-Achievements: Accomplished the relocation from London to Melbourne, Australia to begin a new life in a foreign country with high success”
-Puzzling: There are many skills which are useful in the workplace. Some we learn after years of practice, some we learn when we start our careers and some we learn in education. However, are the ones we learn in pre-school particularly relevant?
-Analytical and problem solving skills: As a child, I always enjoyed building jigsaw puzzles and was always determined to find the missing piece.
-PS: As I’m single, I had been questioned by personnel managers in previous interviews about my sexual habits. Weird, but evidently there is a need of explanation. Therefore, I want to let you know, that I am heterosexual. I’m only interested in women ! I’m absolute “normal” at all. I’ve got no problems with these questions, and I don’t complain about it. We do live in the 21st century, after all. Anyway”
-I am a rabid typist.
-Please note from my CV I have spent six years buying and negotiating and Sock-Control experience.
Well, why not ? They get separated, worn out, smelly – someone needs to do it.
-Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
-Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.