Ke khushi se mar na jaate, agar aetbaar hota
General Zaheerul Islam, the newly appointed DG ISI, solemnly assures us that the political wing of ISI has been closed down, stopping army’s meddling in politics once and for all. I earnestly hope he is a man of his word, because according to the perception of the layman, jumping from K2 and getting up as if nothing happened is more plausible than separating the army from politics. The whole concept seems a bit too good to be true, just like your dream girl, who is way out of your league, just knocking on your front door with an inviting smile on her lips. Let’s imagine for a minute the reaction inside the house if that happens, that is, she knocks, as in, actually.
Let’s take a camera inside the house to check out the reaction: Oh, look there sits Altaf Hussain in an armchair after joining PPP for the sake of national interest, reminiscing about those bygone days when his party members used to baffle PPP representatives by unleashing hard-core Urdu on them. He sighs when he remembers those times when the MQM used to get inconsolably distressed over petrol price hikes during, coincidentally, every non-army government.
Let’s now pan the camera to Nawaz Sharif, who is in the next room jumping on his bed out of sheer joy for having successfully retained an anti-establishment face. He is overjoyed that finally one of his own strategies has worked. However, Shahbaz Sharif, who is on the other single-bed, is weeping like a little girl, asking the jumping Sharif what was the whole point of their good cop-bad cop strategy, his daring late hour sneaks out to army officials and his borrowed slogans to hang the sitting president when the military was going to be reduced to a non-political, homoeopathic-harmless figure like this. He feels betrayed that bare mian saab has enhanced his own reputation at the cost of chhote mian saab’s, when the latter’s only fault was that he was following to a T another of the elder’s inspired strategies.
The PPP, by way of creating a new enemy to kill its boredom, has collectively started believing in Zionist conspiracy theories. It turns out that there is a handy by-product as well. Babar Awan and Faisal Raza Abidi, master tacticians, have already figured out what to do when PPP is blamed for corruption, incompetence, and bad governance once ISI is no more there to point their fingers at: lay it at the door of Zionists and the yehudi lobby in general.
Imran Khan’s predicament is the most precarious of all – with the notable exception of Sheikh Rasheed’s. Hearing the knock, Khan slips in the bathroom and is knocked out cold. Everybody is trying to bring him back to consciousness. “Wake up Imran…” “You never needed these crutches.” “You are the only hope.” “The civilian establishment is still on your side.” “You will win by a landslide.” “Play like a tiger.” Imran comes to consciousness. He is looking better now. He collects himself. He sits up, looks around, takes a deep breath, and boycotts the next elections. Sheikh Rasheed commits suicide by hanging from the fan; his suicide note saying he wishes to be buried with his wig on.
I am still in the process of storyboarding the next scenes of this film (suggestions from readers are also welcome). While you munch on your popcorn during the interval, I would like you to contemplate on two very interesting occurrences: A Pakistani court on Monday convicted Osama bin Laden’s three widows and two of his grown-up daughters of illegal residency, sentencing them to 45 days’ detention and ordering their deportation. It will take all of those 45 days (and probably more) to prepare the paperwork for their legal departure considering their perplexing and mysterious entry and stay, I fear. OBL and co. continue to be an unalloyed disaster for the region long after he is gone. In terms of foreign exchange, even Raymond Davis was better than this bunch – at least he gave jizya for his expatriation. The OBL family is paying ten thousand (cash) each and is walking scot-free!
The Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan is very excited about the prospects of re-opening of the NATO supply line because that means they get to kill more people. They have threatened, after the joint meeting between the parliamentarians and the military establishment, that if Pakistan allows the NATO supplies to resume, they will target the parliamentarians in retaliation. While it is a win-win situation for the TTP, the parliamentarians are finding themselves caught between a rock and a hard place. Never mind the “this-nation-can-eat-grass” slogans – which are never in short supply – the sad fact is that our economy can’t survive if the US barges in sanctions on us, because that will be the end of our debt rescheduling.
But even if we are to survive sanctions, can our military live without the US? I guess you know the answer to this. I am also confident you know who ultimately decides these things one way or the other (hint: it’s not the parliamentarians). So the parliamentarians are facing threats for something they have absolutely no power to decide. Needless to say, having to make the “choice” is killing them (pun intended).
The writer is a member of the band Beygairat Brigade.