Who better than this lot?
You must have recently observed the relative subsiding of the biggest tsunami to have ever hit Pakistan. What with the successful holding of the by-elections and the long-dreaded senate elections; symbolically important events such as Bhitai ki Marvi choosing PML(N), the Ijaz-Pasha duo failing to remove the government higher-ups, the PPP handling the Supreme Court situation supremely adeptly; the alleged rifts among top PTI leadership on the issue of contesting by-elections; and the PTI’s inability to stage a political show of force in Quetta as promised; this has been a pretty unforgettable season for Chairman Imran.
If you are a PTI supporter and are feeling a little unsettled, I have good news. If you are a detractor and are elated, I have bad news. True, the PTI and kuptaan have uncharacteristically been low-key lately. But this is only a temporary lull, and the tsunami will be back with a vengeance, this chronicler is glad to report. The major reason behind the relative calm can also now be demystified. Unobserved by the media and unbeknownst to the world at large, the PTI has been undertaking a mega-project that will eventually blow away all remnants of the status quo from the society. As soon as the preparations for this vital business are concluded, the usual joining-ins by deserters from Q and N will resume, according to sources that shall remain strictly anonymous. And now to the aforementioned project:
Imran Khan has often been accused of politics of slogans: politics that are big on agenda but completely devoid of any concrete policies. In a move that is typical of Imran and especially his enthusiasts, the PTI has graciously taken all this criticism on board (they haven’t abused any critic of being on the PML(N) or CIA payroll – perish the thought!) and has responded by identifying five major issues and making task forces on each. Each task force is required to submit at its earliest recommendations for the formulation of concrete policies regarding the respective issue.
The five priorities are banishing of gaddis, unification of the education system, a firm and ghairatmand foreign policy, controlling the unbridled feudalism, and corruption eradication.
The task force on eradication of gaddis, which in the twenty first century are an absolute disgrace to this proud nation, will be headed by Shah Mehmood Qureshi. Shah sahab is determined to start at home and get rid of his gaddi first. He is not only willing to sit on a sofa in future; he has resolved to magnanimously provide some chairs to the poor masses of Multan as well. Because of the involvement of furniture, Imran has tactfully convinced a very enthusiastic Khurshid Mehmood Kasuri to stay away from this enterprise, which is great news because Kasuri sahab’s services can be better utilised elsewhere – on the international scene to be precise – which we will come to presently.
For the all-important task of unification of the education system, Imran has unleashed Fauzia Kasuri. Fauzia, who happens to know everything there is to know about education, is singularly suited for this task. She will make sure that if the government schools can’t be brought to the level of Beaconhouse and City School, the latter will be lowered to the former’s level so that we have a unified education system in Pakistan. The concept of the “elite school” will therefore soon be a thing of the past, which will quickly lead to one-class society. Mehmood and Ayaz are doing their ablutions as we speak.
Mr Kasuri is chosen to be the top-man for the third task, namely the formulation of a self-respecting foreign policy. You can never quite separate principled diplomacy and a firm foreign policy from handkerchief and napkin impeccably tucked into the coat pocket and shirt collar respectively – not to forget lapel flowers – and who can dare challenge our Kasuri sahab in those activities! People unfairly criticise Kasuri sahab for meekly handing over all those scientists to the US for torture purposes the last time around. People forget that it was all Musharraf’s fault, and with a ghairatmand chief executive like Imran Khan at the helm, Kasuri is sure to be our answer to Henry Kissinger.
Jamal Leghari is an ace of spades who could equally effectively head both the feudalism-control and the corruption eradication task forces. Reportedly he wanted to head both but Imran, ever the shrewd tactician, has asked him to handle the former, considering that his expertise at the latter may not be top-notch since he was relatively inexperienced at the time of the Mehran Bank scandal.
Ijaz “Dabang” Khan Jazi is the anointed head of the corruption eradication task force. Like his kuptaan, Jazi is known for his no-nonsense ways and an iron will. Enough said.
The nation keenly awaits the formulation and subsequent announcement of concrete PTI policies regarding the above critical issues facing the country.
Tailpiece: It is reported that General Pasha was offered an extension but he refused because he wanted to head the election cell (PTI’s, not ISI’s) but Imran has politely declined, telling him that the PTI won’t be contesting any elections till the last bogus vote is removed from the voters’ lists, which, to the chairman’s relief, won’t be any time soon. Now Pasha is gutted because he is heading neither. However, being a Pakistani general, sooner or later he will get something or the other to head.
The writer is a member of the band Beygairat Brigade.