The Khan we really need

The custodians of our proud musical heritage have so much more to offer!

We, the Beygairat Brigade, are getting session players on board and are preparing our songs, as our phones have finally started buzzing for commercial concerts. We have yet to find out whether all these calls will eventually translate into actual shows, but we don’t want to give any excuse to the organisers for dropping us from the lineup and therefore the perspiring jam sessions are on. From now on, we are thinking of making sure that we ‘deduct’ a line or two from every song in view of the inevitable tax deductions from the payment. During this exercise I got the following brilliant idea (or a combination of brilliant ideas, to be more precise), which you might not be able to appreciate fully if you are not very familiar with the characteristics of a legendary breed – our Khan saabs.

Had I been in a position to legislate, I would have made it mandatory for the post of Chief Justice of Pakistan to be filled by a Khan saab. That would ensure his taking a suo moto notice and making an example of the concerned villains each time he gets to know that a certain musician wasn’t paid altogether, or received less than what he was promised.

Just like the reserved seats for women, there should also be reserved seats for Khan saabs in the parliament. Each time a bill is passed in the assembly, the arrhythmic desk banging takes away most of my happiness at the passing of the bill. If is it so arranged that say thirty three percent of our parliamentarians are Khan saabs, imagine celebration of such happy occasions with the heavenly eight beat keherve ka theka.

On to the international front, our relationship with India can also improve markedly by having a quota of Khan saabs in the military. Imagine no jawans guarding our boarders and no generals reading Brass Tacks and dreaming of Ghazwa-e-Hind. Instead, you will find all of them competing in Sa Re Ga Ma Pa and other singing competitions. No issues over Siachen or Kargil either; too cold to be guarded even in summers!

Teaching arithmetic is another job Khan saabs are better equipped for than most. That music and arithmetic go hand in hand (some even say they are one and the same thing) is but one rationale for that; another one being the fact that the students always perform better when they are confident. And with a Khan saab in charge of the arithmetic class, the students’ confidence is sure to be sky high because they will know that they will get some marks even if they forget the numbers of multiplication tables as long as they get their tune right.

The chairman of the Ruet-e-Hilal Committee should also be a Khan saab. I’m sure if there is a raag for making the rain come pouring down, there must be one for the new moon to appear a day earlier, or later, whichever is desirable in the broader national interest.

The police can also be made civilised if it is headed by a Khan saab. Playing nonstop Abrar-ul-Haq in the headphones of the suspect is all that will be needed for him to plead guilty to any and all crimes. Job done, and not an iota of violence used! A sizable number of Khan saabs in the police (and many other institutions) will also proportionately solve the problem of bribery. The lower salaries (which at weak moments can nudge the individual towards resorting to less than honest means of income) can also be augmented by legit remuneration (nazar) for their exceptional musical and language based skills.

Keeping in mind the rising religious intolerance in our society, the anointed head of the all-important Ministry of Interfaith Harmony should also be a Khan saab. For as long as he is in charge, the agenda will be harmony, and the modus operandi, neyaaz. If the minorities feel angry, bring out the zarda. If the majority is in the mood for some violence, roll out the daig of haleem. In fact, halwa and similar stuff would be doled out irrespective of any imminent disharmony. For those who are skeptical about the ability of these goodies to do away with violence, when was the last time a plate of halwa failed to cheer you up?

Even the corporate sector, especially the food-based companies, can utilise the services of Khan saabs to their (and by extension, the nation’s) benefit. Imagine invaluable input from a Khan saab to the higher-ups at the different food chains. Now imagine McDonalds launching McKarele-gosht to packed restaurants.

The writer is a member of the band Beygairat Brigade.