False claims

On lofty and outright lol-worthy assertions

Imran claims he will set everything right in no more than 90 days after coming to power. As far as a sense of humour goes, Imran can’t hold a candle to the elder Sharif (not to mention Altaf bhai and President Zardari) but this is a funny one which becomes outright hilarious if this ‘everything’ includes our economy. Since the economy is so messed up, I am afraid the end of corruption alone won’t do the job even provided the Jinn at Imran’s disposal can make the corruption disappear in the first place – not referring to Sardar Azhar Tariq Khan here.

In addition to good intentions (which are, as one would expect, in copious supply) we would need some creativity if we are to get out of this mess. Imran would have shown much more realistic promise had he protested against the demolition of OBL’s compound. The money we have spent to demolish it could be much better used to renovate the site into a ticketed tourist spot. I am sure people from all over the world would love to visit it. Things like this could do wonders for the business of tour guides who are by now as sick of Jahangir’s tomb as their non-existent clients are of the same. Guiding people through the compound with intimate details such as how Osama used to watch TV could generate a lot of much needed revenue as well.

It is not possible for the Taliban to stay out of the news for long. Like Veena and Maya Khan, they make sure that we never hear the last of them. A US drone has come down in Machikhel area of Mir Ali in North Waziristan Agency on Saturday night. Official sources say that it had developed some technical fault, hence the crash. The Taliban seem to agree to the crash part but true to their tradition they claim that the ‘technical fault’ was caused by accurate shots from their ‘heavy weapons’. Taliban spokesmen are like school children, marking proxies for their friends during the roll call.

From hijacking planes to downing drones the Taliban claim responsibility for everything under the sun, which is very inspiring considering they live in caves for the most part. A drone fell last year as well and the Taliban rewarded the person who claimed responsibility with a double-cabin ‘pickup’. Our army on the other hand is in a singularly unfortunate position. They have the technology to hit the drones but for a combination of reasons can’t get their name on to the hall of fame. As for their quite real exploits in Balochistan and East Pakistan, those trophies can’t be officially claimed either.

It is reported that after Pasha’s allegedly proactive role in Memogate and his related Middle Eastern sightseeing tour might result in the PM not granting him another extension as DG-ISI. PM Gilani had also famously claimed that it was he who ‘insisted’ on the first extensions of both Pasha and Kayani. I believe PM Gilani got a bit carried away when he claimed this – don’t we all, occasionally, what with the tsunami of words and emotions!

However, even if Pasha doesn’t get an extension (which would be disastrous for US-Pakistan ties according to Ambassador Munter), he will most probably be made head of the Strategic Plans Division or something like that. MacArthur had famously said, “Old soldiers never die; they just fade away.” Our generals on the other hand never fade away. They do die, but they keep landing more and more lucrative jobs before that.

Talking of lofty claims, Imran’s claim regarding the PTI becoming a truly national-level party by the next elections is also dicey as there is a pause to the tsunami of lotas from other parties these days. At any rate, not many people are joining it the way they were a few days ago. Rumour has it that Chaudhry Shujaat went up to a representative of our patrons of sovereignty, and after mentioning the services that he had rendered for them throughout his illustrious political career showed him a mobile text message that was sent to a PML(Q)’s member to join PTI. The recipient of Shujaat’s distressed appeal has ensured him that such blatantly direct efforts will not be practiced from now on.

Sharmeen Obaid’s Oscar has not gone very well with a few people. For instance, a lot of my more patriotic friends claim that she won it not because it was the best documentary film of the year but because it highlighted an issue which has defamed Pakistan around the world (this appears to be the world’s favourite pastime). Since Google tells me it’s a very positive film as it shows ongoing efforts to rehabilitate acid-burnt girls, I have two questions for all those who believe this. One, have you seen the film? Second and most important, even if it isn’t about rehabilitation and is about the issue of acid throwing itself, isn’t that a shockingly common practice here which needs to be eradicated? In other words, in which continent did people believe that Pakistan was Paradise-on-earth, and that image of ours has been shattered after this film?

The writer is a member of the band Beygairat Brigade.