Camel piss drinker v/s Jalebi Mullah


My first reaction to reading about the recent protest against the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) people in Pakistan yet again was: What the duck! And then I heard a quack and thought: That’s a really slow bleeper. But that’s not what this article is about.
On February 13, the United Nations (UN) Human Rights Council held a planning meeting, during which the Libyan representative, objecting to the council’s first panel on discrimination and violence based on sexual orientation, scheduled for March 7, said something that could only be termed as obtuse. He told the ambassadors that LGBT topics “affect religion and the continuation and reproduction of the human race.”
What! The LGBT people aren’t trying to change any religious laws. And the very idea that they could be a threat to the human race is preposterous. In any case, according to the UN, the world’s human population has already exceeded 7 billion. How many people do you need? The human race is a threat to itself. And the only kind of people that could affect religion are what one of my cousins likes to call “Allah mian kay PA” (God’s personal assistants).
In the council meeting, Pakistan on behalf of the Organisation of Islamic Cooperation (OIC) also protested the upcoming panel. The Pakistani representative said the OIC’s 56 UN member states do not recognise LGBT rights as fundamental human rights.
Not surprisingly, an unregistered religious organisation has launched a campaign against homosexuality in Pakistan. Their demands include preventing the United States-backed GLIFAA (Gays and Lesbians In Foreign Affairs Agencies) and GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network) from working for the rights of homosexuals in Karachi, Lahore and Islamabad. In a recent demonstration, one of the protesters said his organisation was waging a “war against homosexuals” and compared homosexuality to an “epidemic”.
Uninformed people like him need to know that homosexuality isn’t a disease or a fad. Homosexuality has always been a part of the human culture. The Mesolithic rock art in Sicily is the earliest (as early as 9,660 BC) surviving record of homosexuality. By the way, homosexual and bisexual behaviour isn’t exclusive to humans. It exists in around 1,500 animal species. Read the Canadian biologist Bruce Bagemihl’s ‘Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity’, which was also cited in the 2003 United States Supreme Court Lawrence v/s Texas case as evidence that homosexual behaviour is natural. The result of the case? The court repealed the sodomy law in Texas and, by proxy, quashed sodomy laws in 13 other states as well.
Anyway, I decided to ask the local conservatives a very important question: What gives? Consequently, I logged into Facebook – that’s where all the conservatives hang out; if you’re looking for the liberals, they’ve moved to Twitter. I found a member of a religious organisation, which has been a part of protests against the LGBTs. I had to “friend” him because Facebook chat was the only place he would talk to me. Let’s call him JM (Jalebi Mullah). Why? You’ll soon find out.
When I told JM that there are other issues – real issues – that need rallying, he wrote, “There’s nothing more important than this issue! Our religion is in danger because of LGBTs!” While I was typing my next question, my Facebook wall updated and displayed a video shared “2 seconds ago” by JM. It was that ‘Jalebi Bai’ song! I deleted the question that I was typing because I had something more pressing to ask him now. “Did you just share the Jalebi Bai song?” I said. “Yeah, bro. I’m a big fan. You can call me Jalebi Mullah. LOL. LMAO. ROTFLMAO,” he said.* I told him he didn’t have to throw every ‘laughing’ acronym at me. He didn’t get it.
JM asked me if I was gay. When I denied, he said, “Why are you supporting the LGBTs if you aren’t even one of them?” I asked him if he was a Pakistani. He said, “Yes.” I asked him if he supported the Kashmiris. “Yes.” Palestinians? “Yes.” Why was he supporting the Kashmiris and the Palestinians when he’s a Pakistani, I asked. He didn’t get it.
He was visibly starting to get irritated, though. “You’re an LGBT! I know you are!” he said. It was my turn to LOL, LMAO and ROTFLMAO – and I had a valid reason for doing all three! When my gales of laughter ended, I said to JM, “Dude, I can’t be all four of them at the same time, and certainly not a lesbian!”
What he asked me next was unnerving. He said, “Why?” These people – supposed guardians or champions of religion – don’t know why a man can’t be a lesbian, that homosexuality or bisexuality is natural, that the Pakistani society is threatened more by men eve-teasing women – which men never rally against – than the LGBTs minding their own business. It makes me feel uncomfortable that these people have the power to influence so many illiterate and educated-illiterate minds. I gave the mindless JM a piece of my mind. He didn’t like it. He said, “Angraiz [white people] have messed with your mind. They’ve done it with their language, their philosophy, their lifestyle, their concepts… You’re touched in the head. F*** YOU!” And then he went offline. Quack! Late again.
I thought maybe he’ll realise how hypocritical it was to tell me that “angraiz” have messed with my mind through their language and then curse me in their language. I was right. He came back online and apologised for swearing at me. I also thought maybe he’s not so dumb after all. I was wrong. What he said to me next was something that Google Translate interpreted as “camel piss drinker” in Arabic. And then he went offline again – or probably just blocked me this time.
But not everyone I talked to was like JM. Bored Kid, another member of the organisation JM is affiliated with, talked about the real reasons religious organisations rally. “It’s got nothing to do with religion or protecting religion or anything remotely of the sort. Everything we do is politically motivated. Leaders of such organisations have political ambitions, while the rest of the members are duped into thinking they’re doing something for the greater good. That’s just bull!” When I asked why he was a member, he said he signed up to escape boredom. “It’s quite funny actually, the things they do, their slogans and everything. They’re a bunch of liars and hypocrites!” he said. “And what are you?” I said. He got it. Didn’t like it. Went offline (or blocked me).
After talking to several not-so-straight people, I realised all they want is the moral brigade to stop acting as God and judging them before the Day of Judgement. A bisexual woman from Karachi said, “Among their countless reiterations of underlining the principles of peace and tolerance in Islam, I have yet to see its adherents demonstrate just one example of tolerance to LGBTs.” Seeing the way things are right now, I fear she might have to wait a long time… I feel thirsty now. While you ponder everything you’ve read here, I’ll go have a glass of camel piss.

* For the small, diminishing percentage of people that haven’t the slightest idea about internet lingo (yes, Mom, I’m talking about you): LOL means Laughing Out Loud; LMAO means Laughing My A** Off; and ROTFLMAO means Rolling On The Floor Laughing My A** Off
Graphic designed by Adnan Hussain and Asim Noor


  1. Being born in the UK….and also a non moulvi, i would have liked to tell the writer my opinion regarding homosexuality – I strongly condemmn it

  2. either you are stupid or you are gay!
    there is no reason why you shouldnt oppose the support of LGBT by foreign agencies.

  3. 2000 years of church fostered antisemetism when scripture iterated this wasnt of god, i doubt if world religions were any different, new covenant scripture saying over and over that being gay is of god, says volumes. why should being gay be treated any differently.

  4. Given the fact that there are tonnes of Madrassas in Pakistan and its also a known fact the Mullah are often Homos and try to take advantage of young madrases boys ..a large number of cases are not reported and those reported are often pushed under the rug. ..the question is how long Mullahs keep on hiding behind their Breads and fooling this nation.

  5. Oh c'mmon! Wrong is wrong! You cannot justify what is wrong just because some people like doing it. Have some sense, a wrong act cannot become right for the reason that it is favoured by a few thousand people or more for that matter. Terrorism, alcohol consumption, corruption, infidelity, drug business etc. are all wrong but yet quite many people are into it and consider it their right. Can you justify that to ethically or morally to be right? Same is the case with homosexuality. Think…

  6. time and need itself allow the things, or change the behaviours, as majority school of thought of muslims are against " Mutta "(temporary merriage) except the jaffri school of thought,with some reservations……… In contrast the orthodex muslim scholors from saudia and gulf states have liberly allowed temporary marriage in the name of " Misyar " this kind of temporary marriage have very soft conditions as compared to "Mutta " so i think that the time will come that the stance against this will not be so hard as seen today…..

  7. A really well articulated article regarding a very controversial topic in our society with tid bits of humor in there. Well done Mr. Aamer Dhamani.
    What people dont,when they ask if you are 'GBT',for you support them, is the fact that you are not a black man but support racial equality ;-))
    Try explaining that to JM this way,next time.

  8. What the duck (as you call it) are you trying to promote in a so-called Islamic country? Even though I'm not close to as religious as I should be, I totally disagree with you and condemn the promotion of LGBT in any way (negative or positive)! However liberal you may be, you cannot deny what is in the Quran. As simple as that.

  9. maybe if we twist the meaning of supporting gay people… supporting them does not mean necessarily approving of their style of having sex, which i dont see how is the public's business to begin with but it means working to eliminate the violence against them, also the Quran also preaches tolerance for things that are different!! Besides how many of you will have to answer for their so-called "crimes" on the day of judgement???
    Lastly even the most blasphemous and bitter enemies of Islam, were forgiven during the conquest of Makkah and these guys say nothing to no one.. so all you people riding high on the Islamic horse why dont you give your religion another glance and realise none of us even have the right to say anything.. no one comes and tells you how to behave in your bedroom, neither would you let anyone comment on it so how do you have the right??

  10. Well done for Pakistan Today for publishing this. Insightful little piece.

    Few things for the commentors; If you use religious arguments to say whats right and whats wrong, then you are religious. The moral underpinning are still drenched in the orthodoxy mindset which one can ascribe to "being religious", if your moral philosophy is defined by whats wrong or right according to religion, in your opinion.

    So if something is right or wrong in your version of Islam, then that is wrong for everyone; and hence anyone who disagrees with you should be hunted and killed (which is essentially what the Muslim Youth Wing was trying to say in their pamphlet). Homosexuality is present everywhere, and a lot of people have consolidated their faith, their identity, with them being homosexual. You can't just take that thing away. You can't just "change" contrary to popular opinion.

    How can these organisations "promoting" homosexuality in Pakistan (How can you promote something thats already present).

  11. First, I strongly disregard all viewpoints presented with reference to Islam here, because many people are non-believers, therefore, there is no need to subject Quranic verses to mockery by citing them to support an argument. Why would a Quranic verse appeal to someone who does not believe it?
    As for the LGBT rights, (pertaining to Pakistani society), I would say that there are many other minority groupings of people who have been striving for their rights, but they are cannot achieve their goals even though their problems are genuine, and considering that, there is no point in making it to the streets with banners and slogans of "we want justice to carry out our bedroom activities openly and adopt heterosexual couples' children to lead a normal life'' . This is plain foolish and baseless. How would it sound if someone makes it to the street saying, "I am having an extra-marital affair, i need a right to live", or " I am an unmarried virgin, I want my rights"? or for that matter, "my genitals are not normal, I want a place in the society."
    It is better for them to remain inside their closets and do whatever they want. There is no need to create such a hype about of one's sexual orientation.

  12. P.S. Though, I do not agree to your viewpoints, I like the way you write lucidly. However, the headline is absolutely unappealing. PFFT!

  13. yes but if you keep shunning everything then where does that leave us?? kind madam please explain… besides you can speak so lightly about the topic because you do not belong to any of the groupings that you are talking about!!! besides extra martial affairs are different as they are based on a personal choice.. you cannot personally choose sexual orientation… the problem is the fact that many of us are ignorant and treat homosexuality as a disease… the point is not who is asking for a right to live the point is that even in this day and age Pakistan is a hub of discrimination at almost all levels… we are racist, we have gender and religious discrimination, then there is the very very evident poor and rich divide.. it is sad that anybody who doesnt live up to our standards is considered to be a taboo regardless of what context we talk about… also my friend the quran is a universal message.. universal means for anyone who will refer to it, regardless of what their beliefs are… also in addition it may not apply to everyone but it applies to you, hence if you do not apply the same belief to everyone you deal with, you are very much a hypocrite…

  14. umm serious sarah??? out of the entire paragraph you decided to comment on one sentence and that too with something that makes no sense? so you mean to tell me that if you get up one day and tell yourself that you are a lesbian, you will be attracted to girls all of a sudden? hahahaha how does that even make sense… since i have an open mind, i have friends who are homosexual and all of them tell me they knew they were different since they were kids… and as far as research is concerned my friend, not only do i have first hand information from actual living people, rather than reading spam on the internet to form opinions, i have also studied the psychological aspects… So please give me something concrete to reply to my friend…. oh and genitals not being normal is a different phenomena altogether by the way,, those people fall under transgender and they too need a place in society, just because Allah made them different does not mean you have the right to judge them,.. homosexual people are usually normal females or males so yes please practice what you preach, at least about the research part….

Comments are closed.