Policy guidelines for a new Pakistan
WHEREAS Pakistan’s esteemed leadership has called for a review of the foreign policy and stated that we shall end duplicity and truly, openly, and sincerely support our key ally in the war on terror i.e. the Taliban;
IN ORDER TO align Pakistan’s domestic and external political strategy with the above-mentioned goal;
It is hereby recommended that the following policy guidelines may be enacted as laws, namely:
1) Pakistan shall declare a war on terror against the United States of America:
However, due to a shortage of resources and for reasons pertaining to military strategy, this war shall not be fought on American soil but instead on Pakistani territory.
It is estimated that the Americans have a high degree of logistical capability in their home country. Further, it is also feared that our men may feel inclined to disappear in the battleground due to reasons including jobs, higher education and inappropriate influence by the local female population. It is, therefore, recommended that the war shall be fought at home, against religious minorities, resistant security officers, as well as passers-by.
Whereas revenge must be sought for any civilian or military martyrdom resulting from an attack made by the enemy, any casualties resulting from incidents of firing and explosions deemed part of the war against the United States shall hereafter be considered as collateral damage.
Domestic destruction of the enemy country shall be left to any Republican candidate that wins the next presidential election.
2) Pakistan’s territorial sovereignty must be protected at all times and at all costs:
This clause shall not be applicable to violations of sovereignty by Taliban, Al-Qaeda and other allied groups.
The following amendment shall be made to the visa laws: Military and customs officials shall examine and scrutinise all persons entering and leaving Pakistani territory by any means other than infiltration to and from Afghanistan. All visitors from Europe and the US, particularly tourists and journalists, shall be considered enemy combatants. Visitors from Afghanistan, Central Asian states, China’s Xinjiang province and assorted Arab countries shall be allowed entry upon presenting a valid assault weapon.
3) Pakistan’s economy shall be made in accordance with religious aspirations of the people:
Primarily, it must be ensured hereafter that there be a complete ban on all economic activity based on interest. All citizens must show a clear lack of interest in the economic and official activity that they henceforth perform.
Usury shall however continue in the banking sector under various fancy terms coined in the Arabic language.
It shall be made illegal to be rich. The crime may be punishable by abduction for ransom. The government shall be declared the sole job creator. In accordance with cultural aspirations of the people, there shall be no work in any holy moth, as well as three months of summer and one month of winter. There shall be five one-hour prayer breaks during the work day.
4) The state shall crack down on moral turpitude in all its forms and manifestations:
Whereas a sustainable resolution to a problem is not possible until and unless its root cause is addressed, women shall be removed from public life in all their forms and manifestations. At a suitable time in future whence the conditions are suitable, it shall be made a crime to belong to the female gender. This shall initially not be applicable to TV news anchors who work within their local gender role definition by speaking loud and initiating fights.
Meanwhile, all such women who have been accused of moral discrepancies shall instantly be punished with flogging. All such women shall be considered equal before the eyes of law and no unfair discrimination shall be made on the basis of guilt or innocence.
Allegations of moral turpitude against militant leaders and other influential people shall only be heard upon the presentation of four eyewitnesses and a judge willing to risk his life.
Women who refuse to marry local or national militant leaders shall be dealt with sternly. Acid shall be available with the police department for this purpose.
5) There shall be an immediate ban on freedom of expression:
The privilege of freedom of expression shall only be available in cases where the expression is in accordance with government policy and social norms.
Blasphemy against religious figures and Imran Khan shall be punishable by death by lynching. All such suspects who have been accused of blasphemy shall have access to justice, except those belonging to religious minorities or speaking in favour of their perceived rights.
Whereas most traditional media are already pursuing this policy, there shall be a strict oversight on the new media. Miscreants shall be followed closely on twitter, and shall not be allowed to run away and hide in secluded places like Google Plus.
The writer is a media and culture critic and works at The Friday Times. He tweets @paagalinsaan and gets email at harris@nyu.edu