Pak Studies for Dummies

By
Ali Aftab Saeed
-
92
552

Hoodwinking history by being clever-and-a-half

Student of Matric? Intermediate? Bachelors? Fear no more and rejoice, for your Pakistan Studies-related troubles are finally over. The following is for the benefit of people like you, who have gone through severe mental torture and physical pain while preparing for the Pak Studies exams. The trick is to focus not on what you know but what the examiner is looking for in the answers.

For some reason, Pakistan Studies kick-starts with Muhammad Bin Qasim. You don’t have to read anything about the whole episode since you now have enough information on Memogate to attempt the question on Qasim’s intervention in Sindh, except the fact that the alleged woman who wrote him the letter was a victim while the alleged contrivers of the memo have committed high treason. Let’s not get bogged down in trivial details though and let’s focus on the big picture.

Nobody contributed more to Islam in the subcontinent than Mehmood Ghaznavi (you can thank your lucky stars if Shah Mehmood Qureshi turns out to be the Dhaaga Peer of your examiner). By the way, usually there’s never a question raised on either Ranjeet Singh or Sir Syed. In case you get one, screw Ranjeet but remember to go easy on Sir Syed Ahmad Khan. Granted, he never was such a great guy, but we have kind of forgiven him with time.

We then come to the Mughal dynasty. The ‘Golden Era’ of our history when all the emperors used to weave straw pray mats to make their ends meet, except for Akbar who was a drunkard, married Hindu women, and invented his own religion.

It doesn’t matter in the least if you still can’t fathom why the Khilafat Movement was carried out in the Indian subcontinent while the indigenous ignorant masses of Turkey referred to the godless Mustafa Kamal as Ataturk – their father. The point, folks, is not to inquire but to score marks. Thus, when this question pops up in the paper – and it will in most examinations – skipping the unnecessary details and expounding under one heading Gandhi ki syaasi qalabazi (Gandhi’s political summersault) insures full marks.

No exam is complete without the Fourteen Points of the Quaid e Azam. It says fourteen, but you only have to jot down thirteen – exclude the one which says “Full religious liberty, i.e. liberty of belief, worship and observance, propagation, association, and education, shall be guaranteed to all communities.”

Skim through the question paper and look for the Two Nation Theory. Wherever you find it – trust me, you will find it – is a good place to copy paste this line: “The Two Nation Theory was inevitable because the Hindus consider cow their god, while we eat it.” There! Congratulations, you have the examiner’s heart right in your palm now. In case you don’t want to attempt any further questions, just add another line to the above statement and you are free to leave the examination hall with the mission accomplished. This line: “The Two Nation Theory was founded the day the first Muslim set foot in the subcontinent.”

Invaluable tips on wars: Remember that never once in our entire history did we either start a war or lose any, never mind what Nazir Naji says about 65 – he is not a even a graduate! India conspired in 71, manipulated our naïve Muslim brothers with its evil machinations, resulting in the Fall of Dhaka. There is no need to mention that you watched that surrender video on Youtube. We made Russia flee from Afghanistan without any foreign help (don’t watch Charlie Wilson’s War before your exam) .We would’ve had Kashmir as well if it hadn’t been for Nawaz Sharif chickening out on Kargil. Fortunately though, recent endeavours are yet to be a part of the syllabus; ISPR hasn’t approved the text yet.

Just remember the tenures of all the Presidents and Prime Ministers. Don’t try to be smart about army coups. All the martial laws were the need of the hour. On each occasion, the people begged the army to save Pakistan. Each time, the general in charge succeeded in saving Pakistan.

On our relations with neighbouring countries: The best are with Saudi Arabia, though Saudi Arabia isn’t our neighbour – nobody ever bothered correcting this and neither shall you! China comes second, India still practices Chanakya politics and has refused to accept us as a sovereign state; hence they never got a number in our ‘Friends Forever’ list. We share our longest border with Afghanistan and we are always the first to help them when they are in need. We would have liked Iran and Russia a little more than we do if they didn’t fall for the traps India sets for them to go against us. As for Bangladesh, it still repents getting played by India but overall relations with them are friendly because we magnanimously chose to forgive them. After all, what is a momin if not a forgiving man.

We are an agrarian country by all the longitudes and latitudes. We have all the four seasons, brag that this is a haven for tourists. Again, no need to be clever with Swat being a cantonment rather than a tourist spot anymore.

There you go, I believe I have covered all the FAQs from the past papers and scavenged the really useful material out of the textbooks as well. Writing lengthy answers to get passing marks is a myth. The whole deal lies in giving the required answers. Soaked almonds and Surah Yaseen do help!

The writer is a member of the band Beygairat Brigade that has recently released the single Aaloo Anday.

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92 COMMENTS

  3. WHILE " YOU" WERE MEASURING SIR SYED'S BEARD LENGTH FOR YOUR PAK. STUDIES PAPER, "THEY" WERE SELLING PRIZE REAL ESTATE TO FOREIGNER WITHOUT ANY DOCUMENTATION. CASE IN POINT SHAMSI AFB AND OTHERS AS WELL. "THEY" WERE ENTERTAINING ARAB LADIES IN MAKESHIFT TENTS IN RAHIM YAR KAHN AS DRONES KILLED PAKISTANIS ELSEWHERE. CAN ANY OF "THEM" TELL US WHAT A "US AID" CHEQUE LOOKS LIKE, OR IS IT JUST AN AGREEMENT BETWEEN "FRIENDS"

  6. Well you missed one thing…how Allama Iqbal united the whole world under his umbrella of Islamic brotherhood with the might of his pen…we must ignore that at that time moulvi sahab said that his pen was filled with Liquor!

  7. Keep it up buddy…..don't worry soon u will be called Raw/Mosad agent….but any person who want to use his/her brain is gaddar in Pakistan.

  9. Height of callowness and ill-informed opinion. Pointing out flaws in the education system is one thing, draping it with inaccurate historical commentary is naive.

      • Only constructive satire coming from an enlightened individual backed with a positive intent can be commendable. What as been said only constitutes hogwash and tomfoolery.

        I'm not a product of the same education system as you or the author but the simple virtue of synthesizing rational arguments with justifiable critique is crying foul here.

        • who says tomfoolery is not commendable? you clearly have not brushed up on your literature. lighten up, dude. the article was meant to poke fun at a flawed education system, and does exactly that, successfully. since you admit to not being a product of this system, you should also admit that you cannot realize what it feels like to grow up with those lies and exaggerations populating 'history' in your head.

    • What you said mate is a dope. This eejit "The Writer" doesn't even respect his own history for the love of "Uncle Sam" or "Western Culture". What a schmuck.

      • So, 'the writer' loves Uncle Sam & Western Culture…and you obviously dont, as your very first sentence indicates clearly ('dope'? 'mate'?)…what a 'schmuck' (another non-Western term :), indeed!

  10. Oh Yes!It starts From Pehla Qaida. Alif Aarii ,Bay Bandook, Pay Pistool , Jeem Jungi Jhaaz ,Kaaf Kalashniko…..
    .10/10 Ali

  12. Am on the floor laughing at this one!!! You have put on paper what I used to often joke with my friends about and that Saudi line….HA HA HA HA…kickass!! Bravo.

  13. Totally stupid and coming from a person who prides in calling himself (or themselves) as "baigharat".
    Even more saddening is the fact that some readers actually enjoyed it. For those who find it funny must understand that the writer didn't study his books and don't know:
    – That woman didn't write to Muhammad Bin Qasim but to Governor who sent MBQ!
    – In no book, Saudi Arabia is written as neighboring country. Stop being delusional. Yeah, it must be written in a book in UAE or Qatar from where writer's schooling is and he is so confused with his life that he cannot understand the basic fact.

    SIMPLY PATHETIC!!!!

    • Khizer: I sense some sort of a personal grudge here. The kids are good. Their track was AWESOME, this article is EVEN better. Instead of nit-picking, a habit we as Pakistanis are steeped in, learn to appreciate sarcasm/wit/satire and the whole truckload of things most of us never learn about. And before you ask me who died and made me king, dude, I know a good piece of writing when I see it. Part of my job.

  14. Thats the dichotomy of our nation, we are never ready to call spade a spade. I think that this article is an effort for us to start saying what we always wanted to, but could'nt say for one or the other reason.
    So thumbs up to the author, the article is worth giving a thought. God bless 🙂

  17. fantastic……… keep it up…… we still have military's boot on the nation's head……. contribute to civilian supremacy… thumbs up

  18. Thumbs up Aftab, keep saying what you want
    this is just a fun, dont take it like real history or offensive

  19. Brilliant job Aftab. In "praise" of our Pak Studies lessons I am absolutely on the same page with Dr. Ayesha Jalal:

    “Instead of history, Pakistanis are given emotive lessons in ideology, along with a compendium of selective facts, which instead of opening up minds parrot the ‘truths’ of hastily constructed national myths. While myths are an important dimension of historical imagination of a people, they are meaningful only when they bear a broad resemblance to actual history. Shorn of a history, people living in myths are just that — a mythical people….”

  20. – khizer@ People like you and with mentality are result of this poor system and you have read history from novels of Nasim Hijazi and not history book. MBQ was not the first of the Arab warriors who came here. It was on the plan of Arab empire to secure their trade route and this incident of sister writing to Governer is just a facade. Higag Bin Yousaf has sent army units to capture this area earlier and was not successful. The same MBQ that you love was made to beg in streets of Kufa as Yousaf felt he is useless.

    History is taught to make servants to rightest thinking and praise Islamic heroes. Mahmood Ghazniv came to rob SOMNAT 17 times and even after robbing it on 17th time did he stay here to spread Islam, no he left back to Kabul as he was here to loot. He was spared by Prithvi Raj on his 16th attack as he felt that he will not come back again. All of Islamic army from Kabul was not paid a dime of salary or they were Jahadi, they were offered loot money as reward to loot SOMNAT.

    Ali has the gut to call spade a spade. We all are baighariat to not see our own follies and accuse others . Ali way to go, I hate Pakistan studies as it is a fake set of history.

  26. hah! my sentiments exactly..you didnt mention how you could simply choose to leave, whatever topics you dont have the enerygy to go through, on "choice"

  28. Good one but I just want to suggest one another FAQ about the early Taliban – like M. Ghazni or 17th centuries Taliban like Abdali and Nadir Shah…… and this is compulsory Q….

  31. Dear author,

    I am really disappointed!

    Being sarcastic doesn’t mean one has to breach limits of stupidity! All ‘X for Dummies’ books start of in a dumb way but at the end, these books finish off giving some knowledge or thought…You on the other hand, just had a dumb luck to get your article posted and my dear, you should not try sarcasm when you can’t actually end it well!

    BR//Hummad

    P.S. This comment wasn’t sarcasm. It’s title is ‘Writing articles for dummies’.

    • Dear critic,

      Do you really have any constructive criticism or you are too dumb to question the stuff you were forced fed your entire life by your parents and teachers? Grow up!

      If you really think the article is bad, bring up your points without bashing the author.

      • Dear Muddassir,

        That's not how you criticize the concept of writing.

        My points are clearly mentioned where as I am simply amazed to read your comment as it's not related to any of my points!

        BR//Hummad

        P.S. You have to listen to what a reader thinks of you, that's part of being an author.

  32. although some of the facts under criticism here in this article are not true but still a worthy article. its time to re-evaluate our heroes otherwise osama bin laden will son be in our social studies book as another hero.

  34. Muhammad Bin Qasim was a savior, who saved Pakistanis from the bad king Dahir…but wait, what was George W Bush then?…who did same with Saddam?

  38. valid critique of a distorted presentation of history, but i would not trust your version either. Ironic that in critiquing a bias, we become biased ourselves! that's pakistans dilemma.

  42. I appreciate your work Ali….but being critical does not always help…..try to keep some balance in the negatives and positives of our country and our people…..wish you Best of Luck!

  44. Sir, you nailed it. It’s a wonder I’ve managed to retain any analytical ability after being force fed the bigoted BS of our education syllabus.

  45. Yet another traitor.. Plz someone 'mard-e-momin' stop this indian agent from spreading evil propaganda against 'the momins and mujahids'….. we don't tolerate such writers in this land of the pure

  47. This artical is fit for those students who are in urdu mediam schools but sorry to say they cant understand English.
    Well said and keep it up

  48. @nasir and others who like
    ……if pak studies was written on your and Mr alis terms than we would have nothing to be proud of!!!!….history is always dark but historians need to lie to motivate the future generation…n i see nothin wrong with that….becuz it wont do us any gud to knw the reality…

    @Ali aftab……i do agree with you that u only need to write wat the examiner wants….sadly!!!!

  50. as far as sarcasm is concerned,thumbs up and hats off for you but in my opinion,history don't deserve this.Its our attitude towards history that makes this subject boring.and those with a knowledge of history are always held in high regard in our society.

  51. Its amazingly funny article i read after a very long time but unfortunately its true! We never told our generation what is truth and what is false. Atleast someone dare to right this! Excellent!

  52. well done! at least we have started thinking.another point, our national language is masha Allah URDU nd QOMI TARANA is in PERSIAN nd we never new what we r saying in praise of holly home land !completely confused nation RV IRANIAN National or what???????ppl please start using ur brain nd stop relying on this bougus text of ours we need to bring real change in our pathetic education system which is acting like MATRIX in our society producing numb heads,slaves widout any thinking power just relying for religion on islamiyat text books(written in honourable G.zias time)nd history on so called Pak studies text.as a result CONFUSED Society

  53. ND remember ALL decisions taken by ppl foundind pakistan were not ALLAHs PROPHET but leaders nd ppl from society so could commit errors or mistakes along with their out class services for nation nd country so instead of closing eyes from mistakes we need to correct them in the best interest of our country as pakistan is v new country nd have to go along way.we have just a history of around 70yrs nd 2generations back we find many of our buzurgs who have seen the birth of our country so dont get fixed with the flaws of history but step forward to make it perfect becoz history is not comprise of centuries but few decades n is still giong onnnn nd we will make it glorious in our age so that next 2 generations can proudly present it instead of making fun of it……choice is urs

  56. Author,
    If I am not wrong you give an impression in your article that Pakistan studies course contains distorted history and that our students have been taught wrong information… Well if its true then would you mind giving me an example of any country where NOT distorted history are part of their syllabus?
    I second what Osama said in his comment… historians need to lie to motivate the future generation…
    LAst but not least..Thanks God this article is about Pak studies and not Islamic studies, else at the height of your lame sarcasm and low level of mentality you would not mind writing "Islam talwaar k zor sy phela"

    • Boht see jagahon par, haan, talwaar kay zore hee se phela tha janaab. Talkh haqeeqaton ko samajh kar hee aagey barrh saktey hayn hum.

  60. the odd part is that he appeared on tele after the alu anday song and said that he didnt believe in some of the lyrics but they were part of the song so he sang them anyway. Question is…. who made the song for him? The same idiots find everything wrong with pakistan.

    My friend, while our history is undoubtedly a lie and shameless propaganda, please tell me which history book isn't? do u think american history books teach that america was the first country to use chemical weapons on the redindians? or show the pictures of the victims of nuclear bombs? or show pictures of abu gharaib?

    do u think that UK textbooks call 1857 war of independence and not mutiny of 1857? do u think the pics of the royal jewels have a caption "stolen for india"?

    nationalistic propaganda might be lies, but every country in the world does it. Its not wise to tell your people that they are the only bad people in the world

  62. Excellent. No doubt Pak Studies and Islamic Studies are headache subjects in which a student is forced to tell lie and write lie

  65. loved the fourteen points and two nation theory part! awesome stuff man! and khizar even if u are right u sounded like a typical pakistani who has a serious inability to respect someones opinion! what i ahve always thought about pak studies how can everything be so perfect about all these muslim warriors scolars etc and then i'd be like screw it man lets just study for the exam!

  66. "mental torture and physical pain while preparing for the Pak Studies exams" ???
    i can't believe, Pakistan studies is simple and should be simple for Pakistanies..
    i don't remember i ever got below 83% marks in Pak studies.

  68. whoa man even though i don't completely disagree with the article, but for the most part i bet you didn't read Pakistan Studies diligently and with an open mind cause seriously if you had you would not make such dumb sarcasm on Khilafat movement and Sir Syed Ahmed Khan. withstanding your right to express yourself, you know what i dislike most about our modern day confused liberals is that they like casting everything about 'ourselves' as negative or rather inherently flawed and the best upshot of all this is that it puts one in delusion.

  70. all the comments against the article have minus points. how biased are the views. and btw the article is fine in the beginning. but i didnt get the point. we have to have the know how of whats going on right now and what happened in the history? it is a totally lame juvenile article.

  73. Great job !! 🙂 but yeah get ready for designated as RAW and CIA agent , Laa-deen and dehriya !!

    u have Poked a Sacred Cow . n if u criticize this only Well Disciplined sacred cow .. u vil fall out of the circle of islam ! liked the line of " we never started any war n we never lost any " :-p

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