He is the symbol of hope for all Pakistanis. He is what unites us all. He has always stood for unity, for justice, and for freedom. His name is Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah and he is dead. And what we are left with are confused, gullible, tragic jokes like Imran Khan.
Imran Khan is passionate, ambitious, controversial, ill-advised, 50-something, and losing his hair – one chromosome away from becoming actress Meera. Khan began his political career in Pakistan’s cricket team. When he was young, he was notorious for frequenting London’s bars and romancing rich debutantes. But in the mid-1990s he became religious. The last party he ever went to was Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaaf.
The party’s top leaders include Shireen Mazari, two retired military officers, and a Jamaat-e-Islami dissident. Meetings of the party can easily be confused for a Tim Burton movie, a news channel talk show, or a waiting room for a dentist who fixes false teeth. The last one is most likely because the party’s top leadership also includes a dentist.
The party’s second most famous leader is Shireen Mazari, known for being Pakistan’s top “geo-strategist”. Critics believe she is called that because her political strategy is highly dependent on appearances on a particular private TV channel. Mazari began her training in strategy and conflict in Wrestlemania 5 and was later elected a top leader in PTI. She was elected unopposed and Imran Khan was the only voter. Over the years, she has however matured into a very wise old man.
The least known of PTI leaders, Ejaz Chaudhry, has the honour of being the only politician in the party’s leadership. He had been a member of Jamaat-e-Islami for three decades. In return for his services, JI’s former chief Qazi Hussain Ahmed appointed him the vice president of Tehreek-e-Insaaf.
Imran Khan believes he will be the next president of Pakistan. One reason that is not possible is because he does not come from a feudal background. The second, more important one, is that he is foolish. But that does not mean we should not vote for him. We must vote for Imran Khan, because if he wins:
PML(N) will lose: The PML(N) and Imran Khan are similar in many ways – they both have voters in urban Punjab that is also the primary audience of news channels, they are both represented by a wild animal that has poor organisational skills and no clue about economy or terrorism, and they are both not going to win the next elections.
Pakistanis will realise that voting for the progressive politicians was not such a bad idea: President Asif Zardari is a living proof of the fact that after years and years of struggle and perseverance, if you learn to make a compromise with the establishment, you can become the president. But Imran Khan is a living proof that after years and years of struggle and perseverance, if you learn to make a compromise with the establishment, you can still not become the president. The ANP has lost hundreds of its workers in the battle against terrorist groups. Tehreek-e-Insaaf will not suffer the same fate, because it does not have hundreds of workers. All nine of its supporters in KP might come under threat.
Terrorism will end: Because the Taliban will finally achieve their goal of being in power in Pakistan. That will end an era of brutal terrorist attacks on Pakistani civilians and troops. Pakistan has been blamed of supporting a number of networks that have caused a lot of misery. Some analysts believe they include Pakistan’s four cellular phone networks.
He will stop appearing on TV: For once, the people of Pakistan will be able to listen to real political experts talking about real issues. An added advantage will be that the word ‘revolution’ will finally be erased from public discourse, ending an era of brutal mental torture of sane Pakistanis. President Zardari was severely tortured during his years in jail and at one point his tongue was slashed. Psychiatrists believe that phenomenon is painful, but not as painful as listening to Imran Khan on TV.
Peace in the Middle East: One of the most wonderful things that could happen if Imran Khan is elected is that Pakistan would help negotiate a settlement in the Middle East and permanently end the hostility between Muslims and Jews. Imran Khan will explain to Muslims how important it is to make peace with Jews, because the last time he fought with a Jew, he lost half his property to his ex-wife.
The writer is a media and culture critic and works at The Friday Times. He tweets @paagalinsaan and gets email at harris@nyu.edu