X marks the spot

Ever since Khadim-e-Aala ordained the construction of a flyover so that he would not have to stop traffic at Kalma Chowk every morning, the busiest traffic junction in the city has become an archeological dig site. Now I know that it has become fashionable to hate on the leadership of the Noon League and blame them for all the ills that have befallen our fair land of The Punjab (colonial emphasis added for dramatic effect). But it’s not like that. I have actually been a staunch supporter of the Super Sharif Bros and their adventures in Jati Umra, Raiwind and all the other mythical lands where they build their fairy tale palaces. But there is one constituency, one neglected neck of the woods that has been deforested so much it looks like more a Super Sharif toupee than the super cool society it is supposed to be. I am, in fact, referring to the kingdoms that are Model Town and Garden Town.

Model Town is aptly named, because it is literally a ‘namoona’ in all of Lahore. It is a long held fallacy that this colony, which is geometrically designed as a circle within a circle within a circle with a big X running through it, was long thought to be modeled on the Union Jack, the flag of the British colonisers who built this Anglo-Indian refuge, away from the sprawling uncouthness of the Walled City. In fact, the truth is far stranger and far more depressing. Incidentally, this is also the place where the Super Sharifs and their extended family units live in blissful serenity, under the watchful eye of 60 percent of Lahore’s entire police force. Model indeed.

Model Town’s less upscale neighbours, the residents of Garden Town, are really sorry they didn’t spend that extra million and move into the dreamland next door. As a constant reminder that they are the children of a lesser god, they have been subjected to the rule of one really tedious capitalist fat cat. The strange thing about this particular tyrant is his warped sense of justice. While he enjoys watching the denizens of his locality suffer, he subjects his loyal workers to the same hardships, so that they too may understand the suffering of the common man. This complex system of testing workers’ loyalty is implemented through a series of roadblocks and other unsurpassable obstacles.

But don’t be fooled into thinking that this individual is a moron, or a nincompoop, or even an idiot. Oh no, this particular fat cat, who is the Butt of most jokes made about the burgeoning size of the Super Sharif litter, is a highly educated individual who has spent a lot of money garnering information he will never use in real life. So well educated, in fact, that after completing (this is an unverified claim) his undergraduate degree at a university named after one of the founding fathers of the United States, he came back to Pakistan and enrolled in a two-bit local institution so he could “give back to the community, somehow”.

But the crowning achievement of this hefty individual is not academic, but civic. He is responsible for perfecting the system of road works which is currently in place in the greater metropolitan area of Lahore i.e., the build-and-destroy mechanism. A simple method really, the build-and-destroy mechanism ensures that no matter what the cost, the constituents of the area will always need to elect the right candidate if they want anything done. Of course, the sheer genius is that when the right candidate comes to power, he immediately gives the people what they want, in this case, paved roads. After suffering for years under the bad road rule of the After Noon League, the masses welcomed these deliverers with arms and larders wide open. They were not aware of the genius that would soon befall them, in the shape of contractors, pipe-layers and other ‘thekaydaars’.

You see, the PML(N) has always been concerned about livelihoods. And it is in the pursuit of providing people with frivolous livelihoods that they always falter. Road works usually require a crew of 20 to 25 trained labourers and workers. The Noons always hire 50 unskilled ones, for half the price! Then many, many moons later, when the project is finally completed, the people rejoice, come out onto road and smell the freshly laid asphalt and try to convince themselves that their ordeal is over.

But then, unbeknownst to them, another contractor and his men are lurking in the shadows. Their job? To destroy the beautifully metalled road and in its place create a network of trenches. Dug strategically along diagonals that run through Model Town and Garden Town. This not only provides the aforementioned thekaydaars with more employment opportunities, but also fulfils another more dastardly purpose. You see, that huge X that runs down the middle of Model Town, in the minds of those that be in power, it actually marks the spot where the British buried their loot from their privateering days in the Atlantic. Now, the Super Sharifs want it. And what better way to look for buried treasure than digging up the entire neighbourhood.

The writer is a resident of NA-126.