Disclaimer: Intended for purposes of satire
The Pakistan Army has decided it does not need US military assistance and will fight terrorism using its own resources. They did not clarify if those resources included the Haqqani network and other insurgents in Afghanistan.
Asked if the military is entitled to make such decisions for Pakistanis, a defence expert defended them. “The army is like the Windows operating system of Pakistan. They just do everything for the people on their own, and then ask them to click Okay to continue.”
In a briefing to the Pakistani parliament in May, military leaders had warned politicians that ties with the US would worsen. He had not predicted a suspension of US military aid.
“Pakistan has enough of its own resources to fight a war against terrorists,” one analyst said. “Inshallah we will destroy America,” he added while adjusting his red beret. He denied he had started wearing a red beret after some Americans he was doing jihad against called him a towelhead and laughed at him.
He believed those resources were being used wisely to prepare Pakistani citizens for their own war on terror.
“Last night was just exhausting,” a woman from Karachi told this scribe. “It usually takes an hour, but last night I was all wet and couldn’t breathe, for two long hours. Power breakdowns are making our lives miserable.”
“Fate is preparing them for a war,” the security analyst responded. He said the power supply system would break down in case of a war. “We will have to live without power if we want to become a superpower.”
“If this continues to happen,” another citizen feared, “one day we will have to watch news channels in candlelight!”
The analyst said that was not Pakistan’s problem. He asked what the people of this region did before they used candles. “They used electricity,” this scribe replied, feeling nostalgic about his childhood.
Meanwhile, protests continued against fuel shortage and the rising petrol prices. “There is no CNG for three days a week,” a rickshaw-wala said. “When it is available, it is so expensive that it’s cheaper for me to take a rickshaw instead.”
“Fuel stations are now saying they take both credit cards and cash,” a trader said. “I got my car filled and they took all my cash and credit cards.”
Environment experts believe the increasing fuel prices would lead to a strange phenomenon that could baffle scientists because it has never seen before in history. “Lahoris might actually walk.”
Police expects a significant decrease in the number of drive-by shootings in Karachi.
The defence analyst said Pakistan’s fuel reserves would last several days after the war begins. “That is all the time we need.” The nation, he said, had to make a choice. “Do you want more Qingqi rickshaws or more tanks?”
He criticised reports that suggest one quarter of Pakistanis cannot afford two meals a day.
“What is the point in eating two meals a day?” the security analyst asked. Pakistanis, especially those from or living in Lahore, eat a lot and become lazy, he said without naming cricketer Inzamamul Haq. He believed people should spend the extra money to help our Muslim brothers help our other Muslim brothers who didn’t ask for help.
Reactions to his views were generally positive. Thousands of people responded to his calls and came out to begin their war on terror. “We do not want America to interfere in our country’s affairs,” a protester said as he set fire to a public transport vehicle. “We will destroy our country on our own.”
The writer is a media critic and the News Editor, The Friday Times. He may be contacted at harris@nyu.edu