Puppy politics

Pathetic how our media are getting their knickers into a twist over a puppy: who gave it to Imran Khan? Pervez Musharraf, Humayun Gauhar or Chancellor Helmut Schroder? Someone should make a film called ‘PPPP – Pakistan’s Pathetic Puppy Politics’.

Starring: Pervez Musharraf and Imran Khan.

Co-starring: Humayun Gauhar and a very highly pedigreed German Shepherd male puppy.

Guest Stars: Lara and Manelo (puppy’s mom and dad).

Villains: Too many.

Studios: Pakistan’s independent TV studios.

Producers: The Pakistani media.

Director: Atiqa Odho (needless to say).

Atiqa can’t act in it for reasons obvious – she might steal the show. Not good for the Skipper. But I think the puppy would be quite a match for anyone. Atiqa is into Rottweilers anyway, not German Shepherds, and has been trying her best to get me interested as well, but to no avail – so far. And the Imran Khan I know is actually into something called ‘Koochi’.

I own Imran’s puppy’s father, ‘Manelo von der hohen Erle’, one of the world’s best male German Shepherds. He was born on February 28, 2004 in Germany. His international tattoo number is H-I 3250. His father is Cayos vee Fidellus.

The mother is ‘Hanna vom Nurburgring’, also known as ‘Lara’. She was born on June 5, 2007, Lahore, Pakistan, and her international tattoo number is LE 0355. Lara was presented to me in August 2007 by my friend Ahmed Virk who owns her father, ‘Nando vom Atlenberger Land’. In case you’re interested, Lara’s mother is ‘Ubangi com Worringer Rheinaue’. I sent Lara to live on Musharraf’s farm after – repeat after – he left Pakistan. I didn’t even ask him. What’s the big deal? I wanted her to be with President Musharraf’s dog Che Guevara, my dog Manelo’s son. Che’s mother was descended from my late lamented dogs ‘Leo’ and ‘Holly’ daughter of ‘Ulk’, regarded as the ‘ultimate German Shepherd’. I imported Holly through my friend Asad Ansari. My daughter named him Che because when he arrived Jon Lee Anderson, author of the best biography on the great guerilla fighter Che Guevara, was at our house for lunch. Che is so beautiful that he can stop the traffic.

Manelo’s pedigree goes back five generations on both sides. So does Lara’s. I imported him when he was 20 months old after my good friend Imran Husain, the only Pakistani international show judge of German Shepherds, had gone to Germany, seen him and approved him. We thus introduced two new great bloodlines into Pakistan to enrich our very small and inbred GSD gene pool. (We could do this with humans too: there are some 18 million adult Chinese males of marriageable age unable to find wives in China). Now, five years later, Manelo is champion many times over, also having been ‘Youth Seiger’. He’s a wonder to behold in attack mode. If you want see Ch Manelo call his trainer Shahzad or his ring-handler Shahbaz for an appointment. Presents not required but do leave your visiting card. By the way, ‘Ch’ stands for ‘champion’, not ‘Chaudhry’. All my dogs speak German but you don’t need to bring along a translator.

The tattooed number is always in the ear and printed on the pedigree. From September there are plans to do away with tattoos and introduce silicon computer chips by injection just under the skin of a dog’s neck. It will also carry its DNA. They can then be traced by satellite anywhere in the world. Theoretically, they can do this to people too: everyone can be given a universal identity number and a silicon chip with all their information injected under their skin at birth. The number would be the same for everything: phone; ID card, driving license, social security, and passport – the imagination boggles. No one would be safe.

Some clowns said Helmut Schroder presented the puppy to Musharraf who in turn presented it to Imran. That’s wrong. I did. Period.

Who owns Lara? I do. Musharraf does. Both do. His dog or mine? Makes no difference really – same thing. We are friends. So is Imran. If I give him a puppy from Lara’s litter, what goes of anyone’s father, as they say in Punjabi? I’ve given puppies to many people. By the way, Lara is pregnant again. Perhaps I should give a puppy to Nawaz Sharif to get another rumour going! Is a poor little puppy all the proof positive they have that Musharraf and Imran are confabulating to create some sort of an ‘alliance’ and have sealed their ‘understanding’ with a puppy? Who gives? So many unlikely politicians have pissed, kissed and made up throughout history – but with a puppy? Ping pong, yes. Puppy no. This is a first in history.

I can go back generations for my dogs, beyond their great, great grandparents if you like, but you should understand what I’m getting at: these dogs are very highly pedigreed, very pure, very beautiful, very intelligent and very expensive and breeding them is a very scientific and painstaking exercise by people with knowledge. Just like breeding horses. They more than pay for themselves and many owners give the surplus to charity – for humans, not dogs.

By the way, ‘Alsatian’ is not the correct name of the breed; it is ‘German Shepherd’. When it was first introduced in the USA and Britain after World War I, it was feared that it might be mistreated because of its name. So the story was floated that it came from Alsace in France – thus ‘Alsatian’. Some now call it ‘German Shepherd Alsatian Dog’. It is one of the most intelligent dogs in the world, so intelligent that a German Shepherd bitch named ‘Buddy’ became the first guide dog for a blind man in America early in the 20th century.

A few days ago, I imported another fantastic two-year old pregnant German Shepherd female called ‘Zelda vom Wutachtai’. She has been mated to a highly pedigreed male in Germany and will give birth in a few weeks. Thus we have introduced two more terrific bloodlines into Pakistan.

Some consider the French poodle to be the most intelligent dog, others the Border collie. Both are herding dogs. For the record, the Afghan hound is supposed to be the most stupid dog in the world. A dog is what you make it to be. Its personality reflects its owner’s personality.

The writer is a political analyst. He can be contacted at [email protected]