Taliban submariners?

Mass hysteria and mass stupidity have a lot in common. The former can convince a multitude of otherwise reasonable individuals that a threat exists where one does not. The latter, ironically, gives them the false security of hubris, i.e. “We are so big and powerful, nothing can stand in our way.” However, most of this newspaper’s English-reading-and-speaking audience have seen ‘300’ and read ‘Samson and Goliath’ enough times to know that big does not necessarily mean invincible. But tell that to the ranting and raving masses who are convinced that terrorism is the greatest threat being faced by our country at this point in time.

Allow me to state the obvious and say that the PNS Mehran attack was not your average Taliban garage sale. Neither was the attack on GHQ, but you already know that. See, these daring commando-style gun-and-bomb attacks are not the hallmark of terrorists, who by definition, aim to spread terror. The average terrorist isn’t as worried about collateral damage as, say, an American president who’s about to bomb an Al-Qaeda cell in downtown Munich.

No, the garden-variety terrorist wants to ensure that his handiwork is plastered all over the evening news. This is achieved by carrying out high-visibility attacks on sensitive targets. This accomplishes two things. Firstly, it scares the living daylights out of everyone by poising the existential question, “If the military’s most prized possessions are not safe in the comfort of their sprawling Shahrah-e-Faisal bases, then is anyone really safe?” Secondly, it ups the perception of these groups and raises the recruitment ante for said terror squad, causing people with nothing to lose to flock to Suicide School like lambs to the slaughter. Incidentally, this is why it is also beneficial to claim credit for such attacks (even if you were home in your jammies watching Mathira and thinking inappropriately at the time of the attack) because it ups your izzat in the eyes of the other suicide squads.

But the news media in general (and Kamran Khan in particular) have failed to sell me on the Taliban angle. Granted, there are many strains of terror groups and other ruffians calling themselves that just to intimidate people. But the Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan, with its long and illustrious line of dead Mehsud chieftains, can hardly order a Pepperoni Pizza without bungling up. How they managed to orchestrate a highly professional guerrilla hit on Karachi’s most secure non-civilian location is beyond me. Unless, that is, they didn’t do it. In which case, it all makes sense.

You see, the P3-C Orion aircraft is primarily a platform for high-tech surveillance equipment (like the AWACS) and packs a punch in the field of anti-submarine warfare. The Taliban, being landlubbers of the highest degree, cannot possibly feel threatened by the Orion, at least not enough to motivate a daring invasion of a naval-slash-air force base at the stroke of midnight on a Sunday. On the other hand, such motivation is easy to come by if you’re being bankrolled by the R&AW (which shall henceforth be known as Lord Voldemort). It is common knowledge that Voldemort has been setting up consulates in Afghanistan along the Durand Line. The purpose of these outposts is, ostensibly, to enlist the services of ruffians and other hapless civilians who cross the porous border on a daily basis and use them to further the dark master’s nefarious designs.

If you think long and hard about it, you may begin to see certain similarities between the attacks on GHQ, PNS Mehran, the police training academy in Manawan, the Sri Lankan cricket team, Ahmadi worship places in Lahore and a particularly nasty game of Counterstrike 1.6 that was played on the streets of Mumbai not too many years ago. Employing tactics used almost exclusively by those with a background in the military, nearly all of these attacks lasted longer than the average suicide bombing and were etched into the minds of all who witnessed the action, live or on TV. We already know that the mastermind of the GHQ attacks was a certain Dr Osman, a former serviceman who allegedly gave up his sacred duty and went and joined the Jaish-e-Muhammad. This rag-tag bunch was led by none other than Maulana Masood Azhar, the cleric that the Indians love to have locked up in their Pune holding cells. This man has spent more time in India than he has plotting attacks against India.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the US has spent a lot of time and money trying to convince us that the real threat to Pakistan is not India, but Taliban, Al-Qaeda and a host of other rouge bandits operating in and around the Pak-Afghan border region. At the time, they were right. But now, things are different, very different. Given our current animosity with The Great Shaitan and the inexplicable nature of these daring terror attacks, it would be prudent to revaluate our threat situation. Because, and I say this at the risk of sounding condescending, the Taliban don’t use submarines.