It is heartening to see that yet another case of outright blasphemy has managed to fly out under the fundamentalist radar and the mullahs are blissfully unaware of what has happened right under their noses i.e., on the internet. Please do not be alarmed at this seeming exaggeration, but the fact is that more mosques and madrassas now have functioning internet connections rather than bothering with luxuries such as running water. Of course, the guardians of our faith employ this tool of Satan for “educational purposes” only, such as a smear campaign against pornographic material. Also, considering the number of ex-servicemen that have now adopted the way of God in a quest to save their mortal souls, the fun-do-mentalists have both strength in numbers and the necessary wile and guile to navigate the treacherous terrain of the afterlife.
However, I was amased to see that for once, these cyber mullahs have actually let one slide, and as a Pakistani with no sense of fair play, I would like to bring to the attention of all and sundry that Mr Paul Beckett of the Wall Street Journal is guilty of blasphemy in the first degree. His crime? One only has to read the opening paragraph of his latest piece, entitled ‘The Unexpected Charm of bin Laden’s Hideout’. Here is an excerpt:
“OK, so this came as a surprise. Abbottabad is beautiful. I traveled there last week with a colleague. More than any feeling of being in Pakistan – we all know it is a deeply-troubled, financially-strapped mess of a nation – let alone being close to the refuge of the world’s most wanted man, this felt like India… In fact, it was nicer than most of India.”
I don’t know about you, but as a patriotic Pakistani with friends in both the ‘clandestine services’ (the word ISI has almost become too vulgar for public consumption) and the armed forces, I demand that this heretical India fanatic be taken to task. I recommend a campaign of unilateral drone strikes against himself, his organisation, his family and his grocer. This should be followed by the systematic revelation of all materials “recovered” from Mr Beckett’s ‘compound’, including his collection of sadomasochistic German erotica, unreleased videos of him practicing the words, “Nicer than India… NOT!” in front of the mirror; and a copy of ‘Jee Sonia Jee: The Memoirs of Manmohan Singh’.
However, one must spare a thought for the poor Indians. There they were, sitting pretty and feeling very proud of themselves. And why wouldn’t they be? After all, their insistence that Pakistan is the most lawless badland in the world this side of Assam was vindicated with the discovery and disintegration of the world’s most wanted sauerkraut in Abbottabad. But how do you think they will feel about the implication that their land of the pure (sic!) is being likened to the city which houses the two things that all Indians hate the most? And where do you think this anger will manifest itself? The only place (apart from Siachen) where soldiers and civilians from both sides can make rude gestures at the other and yet remain unharmed: the Wagah-Attari border post. I recently visited the check post in question, and I have to warn you: if you’re ever going to watch the flag-lowering ceremony, please make sure to pack ear plugs and an extra set of vocal chords, because your own voice box won’t last but a few minutes in this highly-charged atmosphere.
Seriously though, the flag-lowering ceremony was one of the few events where one could go to replenish a diminishing sense of patriotism. But now the adrenaline rush comes not from the screaming crowd, but from the knowledge that the giant guards positioned on our side of the border would be powerless to resist an American-led invasion on our Eastern frontier. Granted that this may not happen until the year 2018, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.