They should just rename our country to Ostrich-istan, given the way we chose to deal with all of our problems. Never before has a human, bird or any other feather-brained creature demonstrated more foolhardiness than was displayed by our military establishment in the aftermath of Admiral Mike Mullen’s outburst against the ISI. And if it wasn’t for those pesky Vienna conventions, we could’ve picked him up for questioning too.
“But that’s no way to treat a friend,” you might be tempted to say. I would agree wholeheartedly and offer to help you make things right with another disillusioned comrade of ours. You may agree to righting the wrongs in principle, but wait till you hear the name. An ism-e-grami as multi-syllabic as Sirajuddin Haqqani may well force even the most Buddhist of peaceniks to change his or her tune and turn into a fire-breathing dragon, chanting ceaselessly the words, “Must kill man with Double-Q in his name!”
Up until a couple of years ago, the most popular Haqqani (in Pakistan and on the search engines) was Pakistan’s sorcerer in Washington, Mr Hussain Haqqani. However, as the tide of the battle in Afghanistan has turned, so too has the media attention switched from the diplomatically-impaired ambassador of fake goodwill to the far more affable and TV-friendly Sirajuddin. To his credit, this youngish leader of misguided militants and other daring fighters is far more level-headed than the medieval brute Hakeemullah. But that is, by no stretch of the imagination, much of a compliment to Sirajuddin’s bloated ego.
A tragic Oedipal figure at best, this fun-loving fop shot to prominence when his father Jalaluddin – a seasoned veteran of many wars with the Russians and a former minister in the Taliban government that ruled Afghanistan up until 2002 – transferred to him the command of a vast group of over-zealous guerrillas that operate in the border areas between Pakistan and that other country to the Northwest. This is the same Jalaluddin that US Congressman and Tom Hanks-look-alike Charlie Wilson referred to as “goodness personified”. So much for first impressions.
If the Wall Street Journal’s Matthew Rosenberg is to be believed, Haqqani Jr was a stylish youth more interested in growing his hair long than waging a long war. However, it is said that under his (question)able guidance, the Haqqani Network – a subsidiary of the fiendish Indian Cartoon Network that is famous for dubbing all my childhood memories into pedestrian pig-Hindi – has “widened the use of gun, grenade and suicide bomb attacks” in Afghanistan. He is the one (dis)credited with the daring attack on a CIA base in Afghanistan that is said to have put a major dent in the US’ drone campaign in and over Afghanistan. His greatest hits also include the daring attack on government installations, a luxury hotel in Kabul as well as a direct (albeit unsuccessful) hit on top Afghan con-man Hamid Karzai. Obviously, the man has taste and only attacks places with less than three Michelin stars. However, his approval ratings took a nosedive when his men botched the Karzai job, and he’s been struggling to make up lost ground ever since.
For Pakistan in general and the ISI in particular, the Haqqani Network has remained a perennial ‘friend in deed’, lending themselves to our purposes whenever the outcome has suited both our interests. Much like the Kashmiri mujahideen we (don’t) routinely gave a leg-up over the Line of Control Freaks, the Haqqanis have been on our Eid card mailing list longer than the Bangladeshis. We have given them (in the past, and under US supervision) guns, money and shelter; in return receiving a heady mix of drugs and rock n’ roll jihad, as well as a guarantee that the Indians will not be allowed to remain wherever the Haqqanis may roam.
Currently, however, this arrangement has been compromised. This was ostensibly made possible due to the austerity drive in place today. Where, in the past, we would’ve dispatched greeting cards and other instructions to the network via Pakistan Post, we are now forced to send them e-cards. These electronic transmissions can be intercepted, scanned, analysed and misconstrued by the CIA, MI6, Mossad and a host of unintelligent agencies. They, no doubt, have tipped off the Americans, who are now putting more and more pressure on Pakistan to do their dirty work. This is evidenced by the steep rise in the ranks of US officials visiting Pakistan. If this keeps up, the CEO of Halliburton or even the President of China (the People’s Republic owns over half of all US Treasury Bonds) may well find themselves in Islamabad, trying to talk some sense into a bunch of ostriches who’ve got their heads buried so far down that even if they do come up for air, the sand in their ears will prevent them from hearing anything they don’t want to. Welcome to Ostrich-istan!