It was my second week at the Government Department and the Personal Assistant of the Man In-charge had just broken the office record for Solitaire. Apparently, many in the Federation of Pakistan had tried to emulate such a feat but, as is often the case, there was only one winner. It was a pity we could not issue a Notification to celebrate this achievement. It takes a certain dogged determination to never do any work, to refuse to move a limb even when deemed necessary by those around you and that particular servant of the Federation had rebelled against a world that valued results over the joy of inaction.
Mr Sheikh had rebelled in the most powerful way possible. The Federation of Pakistan has one big strength putting up appearances. But Mr Sheikh had decided that the people deserved to know better and that there would be no pretence of doing work. To say that anything so much as stirred in his presence would be an exaggeration of epic proportions. Like all legendary clerks at Government offices, he was like a Sorcerer at his desk. Nothing moved except with a slight of his hand or a nod of his head. If laziness ever needed a lobbyist, this guy was it. God bless him.
In that same week, I did what I thought was a most common bonding factor among the servants of the Federation; I asked for tea. The tea-boy smirked and said, bring a tea-cup. As proud as I am of keeping a wide array of things in my car, a tea cup is not one of them. I tried to protest by saying that I had been given tea and biscuits on my first day and was told, special treatment on first day. A few minutes later when I started sneezing because of an allergy and asked for tissue paper, I was handed a form. Sign a requisition, came the command. Excuse me? Well, he started again, you will request for a tissue box. Never forget serial number in case you have more demands.
The Department Head will sign it and send it to the Admin Clerk who will forward it to the Director Admin for review. If Director Admin approves, he will recommend for approval to the DG Admin. Everything is transparent here. I tried to explain to the tea-boy that I had asked for a tissue-box not tanks since he seemed to be applying some perverted variant of the rules on public procurement. But from that day on, whether it was stationery or allergies I was always anticipating my future demands. If I had an inkling of a sneeze in the coming few days, the requisition had to leave my desk days in advance. The Federation of Pakistan was making me a man of the future and foresight. Think ahead. Stock up.
But what to speak of the future when the present demanded all my attention? The Man In-Charge was often in a bad mood. As Mushtaq Yousafi says, the most authentic form of anger is that which arrives for little or no reason. One morning, I trotted in to say good morning to the Man In-Charge and was greeted with a file flung towards me. People have all sorts of ways of saying hello, I suppose. These lawyers, he hissed, absolute rascals! Upon inquiry he revealed that certain lawyers had sent their wives to court to soften the judge. What? Who?, I exclaimed and he showed me the incriminating evidence. The Order Sheet of the court read, M/s (short for Messrs) A and B. I looked up and said, umm, I think this means Messrs, not Mrs. I could be wrong though.
Tip: always leave room for admitting you were wrong. His eyes jumped at me and then settled in the socket again before he said, are you sure?. I nodded, adding that surely the wives would not interfere with the course of justice. That seemed to placate him. He drank some water and explained to me how I dont know these people. The wives are guilty by association, I reckoned.
The Man In-Charge was a benign autocrat and no one could leave his Kingdom without due cause. Therefore, he considered it a personal affront when one junior officer wanted to tender her resignation. It had to be ensured that she did not have a problem with him. So, she was called into the office as I took notes. He started by asking her this: Am I the reason you are leaving? No, but…, she said. Before she could go on he asked, Would you describe me as a horrible boss or a simply brilliant one?. She looked around and said, I am not saying you are horrible but…, so he interrupted her again and drew the conclusion that he was somewhere in the middle, i.e., brilliant but not simply brilliant. Thank you, I just wanted to ensure I was not the problem. Just another day at the office.
The writer is a Barrister of Lincolns Inn and practices in Lahore. He has a special interest in Anti-trust / Competition law. He can be reached at wmir.rma@gmail.com