As the PPP government took power after the February 2008 elections, the people of Pakistan were promised many things. Along with far-fetched notions such as cleaner schools, better-funded public toilets and tax cuts for alcoholics, the promises included an end to lota-cracy, horse-trading and parliamentary spot-fixing. But with the world and many Pakistani children watching, Messrs Rizvi and Sabzwari announced their unhappy divorce from BB ki hukoomat. As you can no doubt imagine, the children were very traumatized, but well get back to that.
Parliamentary democracy is a strange creature. It embodies all the principles Plato, Aristotle and Lord Denning strived to have stricken from the democratic rulebook, and opts instead for a decidedly more Machiavellian approach to mass governance. This means that not only is your enemys enemy your friend, even the enemys friends are on your payroll. This also sums up the problem the ruling coalition faces. A lack of numbers isnt their biggest problem, just a lack of large, double digit ones. Currently, the PPPs other current partners include the five-seat PML(F), the 11 FATA and 13 ANP surkhas and lady luck.
In the opposite corner, weighing in at a formidable 91 members is the Noon League, followed by 49 members from the After-Noon League (real name unknown, since Chaudhry Shujaat hasnt been able to articulate it since 1991). They are now joined by Maulana High-Speed Diesel and Karachis kingpins, both of whom are not known for their silence but violence. This gives new meaning to the age-old adage adding fuel to the fire. The heavyweight Super Sharif Bros make no bones (at least publicly) about their hate-hate relationship with the MQM. For its part, the MQM has done its best to soil the Hair Transplant Bros reputation by questioning everything from Shahbaz Sharifs virility to defaming Rowan Atkinsons portrayal of Chaudhry Nisar in his epic Mr Bean goes to the National Assembly and becomes Opposition Leader. Will this make things difficult, in a these-benches-arent-big-enough-for-the-two-of-us way?
But the breakout success of the PML(N) vs MQM verbal sparring match has to be Pakistans Rudy Guliani. Mustafa Bhai entered the fray during a late night chat session with Decibel Damsel Jasmin Manzoor, threatening an unknown PML(N) member on live TV. The words gall and gumption spring to mind, but no matter. Mustafa Bhai is no stranger to controversy, especially when its going out live. Its like when a big comedian gets to play an HBO special, you know hes going to swear his heart out. But we dont mind, because Eddie Murphy swears like a sailor and everybody loved him (up until Pluto Nash anyway). Mustafa Bhai loves the live TV platform in just the same way. Maybe because Jew TV or any of the other channels have yet to find a way of censoring a live broadcast. Or maybe they dont want to, who knows. But it did make for excellent primetime viewing.
So the fate of the current government, and indeed the prime ministers job, depends on the whims and wishes of what is left of the party that founded Pakistan, the Muslim League. On the surface, the Chaudharys of Gujrat seem like the likeliest of partners for the embattled PPP. So why did the PM go to Lahore and meet the Khadim-e-Aala first thing Monday morning? Its no secret that Diesel Corp wants Murshid Gilani fired, sacked, terminated, and if possible, removed from the PMs slot. It is also common knowledge that the Super Sharif Bros harbour a soft spot for anything with a beard and a chain of gas stations across the country. And Uncle Transplant the Seniors disdain for el presidente is the butt of many forwarded SMS jokes. Then what, one may be tempted to ask, was the PM doing having brunch with the man whose brother wants to replace him? Granted that he met with the most incomprehensible man in Pakistani politics later in the day, but why O why is the PM wooing Captain Viagra? Could it be that there be a split within the ruling party itself? Ever since that ruffian Abbasi and his wife Naheed popped back into the picture around the time when the world is busy paying tribute to Pakistans greatest stateswoman and took to the talk show circuit like a cat takes to a garbage heap, the Interior Ministry and the Presidency have relocated to Sindh, preferring to hang out in Cliftons swanky Bilawal House neighbourhood. Here, the top men have been meeting with everyone, from the governor to the various sector in-charges of Pakistans most populous city, no doubt trying to work out an amicable solution for Karachis territorial disputes. But are they so oblivious that they dont notice the PM meeting CTBT? Or is there a greater game afoot? While we can only twiddle our thumbs and wait to see what happens, all across the country, there are children from a broken home waiting to find out who gets what in this divorce. But whatever the outcome, you know that the roti, kapra aur makaan will never find their way to those who actually need it. Why? Because no one has better divorce attorney than the Federation.
The writer is a broadcast journalist.
