In our neck of the woods, no one gets raped and plundered more than principles. Ladies, gentlemen, boys, girls and children of all ages get to ride them, which is more than one can say about the village bicycle or the local doodhwalas donkey cart. Lawyers, doctors, politicians and shoe-makers, all have used and abused certain principles, bent them according to their own needs and purposes (using oxyacetylene flames and shoe-horns where necessary) and shoved them where the sun doesnt often shine. But since this is a humor column in a highly syndicated Pakistani newspaper, lets just stick to the politicians on this one, shall we?
For me, watching a news broadcast is like watching a bad horror movie. I often yell at the TV screen, trying to will the rascals who hold news conferences into telling the truth for once. Ive lost count of the number of times Ive shouted LIAR! at that innocent TV screen, just because it had the misfortune of carrying moving pictures of one of our brainless leaders. So imagine my surprise when one day I hear the scariest man in Sindh spilling the beans on the scariest party in Karachi. Ive lived in Karachi and I know that anyone who speaks ill of the brotherhood (taken from the Urdu bhai) will either end up in a body bag or will be forced to seek political asylum in the Ivory Coast. While I havent been to the Ivory Coast myself, I can tell you its no bed of roses there either.
But hearing Zulfiqar Mirzas tirade against the brotherhood, I couldnt help but smile. You see, politics is a dirty business. Your friends friend could be your enemy and the enemys friend could be your friend too everyone plays the game. Like Fight Club, the first rule of politics is that you dont talk about what goes on behind the closed doors. Therefore, for Baba Saeein to have brought up the issue of target killing and the MQMs alleged patronage of said activity is suspicious to begin with. It doesnt take a political scientist (for the record, there is no such thing) to figure out that there is a deeper ulterior motive at play here. The principle, however, is a sound one. Why should the MQM, or any party for that matter, care about being accused of anything if they have nothing to hide. After all, political parties and their leaders are routinely accused of far worse things on a daily basis such as genocide, patricide and most famously, harbouring a secret affection for young boys. Not to mention all the name-calling they have to sit through when they are on live TV. I personally believe that anyone who has nothing to hide has nothing to fear from name-callers and hate-mongers. But between you and me, I think Mirza Saeein has them shaking in their boots. Not that they necessarily have anything to hide, but Im just saying
Speaking of things to hide, it seems that the tornado of conspiracies surrounding the former Minister for Sacrilege has managed to uproot not only the Right Honourable HSK, but has also become the reason for Maulana High-speed Diesels departure from the ruling coalition. The matter, as he has told many a press conference thus far, is one of principles. Please excuse me as I prevent the onset of cardiac arrest before writing my next sentence AH! Much better.
You may think this turn of events has surprised me, but that would be an understatement. I never thought for one second that Maulana Coalition would ever part ways with the government, let alone take a principled stance on anything. I mean, the closest the Diesel-farosh JUI(F) patriarch has ever been to a principle is when he summoned his childrens school principal to his abode in the parliament lodges and asked him to exempt them from taking Islamiyat lessons from a liberal schoolteacher. And even then, he got the spellings wrong.
I guess what Im driving at is that the man known for his ability to add fuel to a burning pyre is the last person I wouldve expected to take a stand on any issue. For many years, I silently campaigned to have the Maulana declared an invertebrate, mostly because I felt he had no spine. But following his latest display of gumption, I am being forced to reconsider my opinion of him. But this time, I will take more time to make up my mind long enough to give the Maulana ample time to make up his. The lesson to be learnt from this is simple: one should never take a cleric at his word, you may have to eat them later.
The writer is a broadcast journalist.
