Disclaimer: The following article is excerpted from communications between the Bosnian embassy in Constantinople and the Sumerian Embassy in Lima, Peru. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is just sheer bad luck.
Rulers, they say, not only represent their subjects, but also reflect their values in certain ways. For example, Silvio Berlusconi reflects the womanizing-then-lying-about-it lifestyle of the Italians. He is also a thief and cheat, as is the Italian way. Nicolas Sarkozy is a sleazy Frenchman who married the hottest thing known to man; does the man need further introduction? Kim-Jong Ill, Colonel Gaddafi and Fidel Castro are proving increasingly (and disturbingly) immortal, while the small, CIA-funded and Israel armed group allegedly commanded by one Bin Laden, codename Osama the video-wala, takes after its purported leader in its ability to run a far more effective media campaign than an actual terrorist one. I mean, they even have search engine optimization. Google them if you dont believe me.
It should come as no surprise to any of us that we, as a people, tend to elect the people who have everything in life that we dont have. These people can do all the things we cant, like having cocktail parties and pheasant-shooting in the afternoon. They enjoy the good life and represent all those things that we aspire to be. Perhaps this is why we tend to put them in office and then try to contain them within the confines of a prison-like, albeit stately-in-a-colonial-sort-of-way manor on The Mall in Lahore.
This, we must learn to understand, is unreasonable. Never mind that doctors, nurses, policemen, journalists, soldiers and several other professionals work unreasonable hours for peanuts and zero appreciation all week long. Never mind that austerity is being forced down the countrys throat and inflation is eating away at our savings like a termite eating through a thin wooden stick. And never you mind that the Punjab Assembly, that most vile lair of all things unholy, unpatriotic and decidedly fundamentalist, is in session and has no quorum problems whatsoever. No, under no circumstances can a governor no matter what size, colour, creed, province or social class he may belong to be expected to go on a surprise visit without telling everyone where hes going.
In order to explain my point, allow me to share some tricks of our trade. In a typical TV newsroom, the nerve centre is the assignment desk, run by a superman known as the assignment editor, who can channel a mysterious, Jedi-like force that is known in our business as news-sense. This is also known among field reporters, cameramen and satellite engineers as a nuisance. But whatever you call it, this semi-psychic, semi-telephone operator-ish ability gives the assignment editor superhuman power: the power to know where who will be at what time. The more power-drunk like to joke that they can even predict a suicide bombing or two. Such people usually become crime reporters or missing persons, there is a very fine line.
I happen to know that the Governor-ator of Punjab likes to spell his name with two As, hence Salmaan Taseer. Like its an A-Levels exam and the numbers matter. Or maybe its to balance out the two vowels in his last name. But he can do that, because hes the head honcho, the big cheese. Big chief Flying Giant Chartered Bird-via-Dubai. And because he is the top cat in the kitty litter of the Punjab, he has the license, nay the khuli chutti to go on vacation, under his rules of service. Yes, Article 104 of the Constitution of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan states that if the kingpin would like to fly to Ibiza or Amsterdam for the weekend, he has to leave his least favorite pupil, the Speaker of the Punjab Assembly, in charge of things. But the speaker, who was trusted with this sacred task before, acted like a real naughty boy that time. So this time, the governor figured hed just step out for some quick R&R and be back in time before anyone can say constitutional violation. But imagine the horror of the assignment editors when they realized that their golden goose had slipped out of their hands. After all, the governor always delivers compelling television.
So, I guess what Im trying to say, Guv`nah Saab, is that you shouldnt blame the PML(N) for spreading rumours about your disappearance. You should be angry at your own darn popularity. After all, if the assignment editors thought your events were boring (like most JI, PTI and JUI events are), theyd never run after you with millions of rupees worth of satellite equipment. Therefore, Saab jee, please give us a little credit. We know the rules of our job. Please do try to remember the rules of yours next time you decide to take a vacation without telling our assignment editors. Itll save us all a lot of embarrassment.
The writer is a broadcast journalist.
