Disclaimer: The views and ideas expressed herein contain no relevance to real life, and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Or is it?
You cant go around misusing judicial authority. Its just one of those things that you dont do. For example, telling your wife that shes getting fatter just because youre too cheap to take her out for a nice dinner just isnt cricket. I mean, the power invested in man to judge the curvature of the female form should not be used for evil deeds. Ever. That is, unless, there is a chance that youll get lucky. And even then, there are rules.
There are at least 29 pages of constitutional hoops to jump through. Yes, thats right, girls have a constitution. An unwritten constitution, just like Britain and Israel. Makes it easier to change stuff on a whim. Actually, having an unwritten constitution is a lot like having an etch-a-sketch if you dont like the writing on the wall, wipe the slate clean and start over. We should totally have our own etch-a-constitution. Now, I mean no disrespect to that sacred document that was given to us by our hallowed leader, a king among men, first among equals and that sort of thing. Not at all. What Im saying is that itll be more convenient, thats all.
But who was the mystery man who gave us this hallowed document we hold so dear today? Was it Hussain Shaheed Suharwardy, the man who gave us a constitution in less time than it takes the average person to pronounce correctly the word barbiturate? Or was it the Sun King, Ayub Khan? Or maybe the peoples emperor, Zulfikar Ali Bhutto? No? Perhaps it was General Zia Fireball Haq. Perhaps it was the dynamic duo of Benazir and Nawaz Sharif, the same artists who brought you chart-toppers like CoD Symphony. Not them either huh? Well, I guess that just leaves the plain ol thumka-lagaofying, Mr Ill-wear-a-uniform-everywhere-because-I-can, but generally all round nice guy, Pervez Musharraf. He was the one who gave us the constitution that we hold so sacred today.
The more simple-minded among you may be forgiven for pulling out their hair in disbelief. But those in the know (and by that I mean PPP supporters) will remember that it was Reverend Joseph Musharraf who turned the other cheek and allowed two of his most vocal opponents, Benazir Bhutto and the bald guy whos not bald anymore, back into the country. It was also Kaiser Wilhelm Musharraf who shut down that channel when the bad man in the robe and the white wig tried to poke his nose where it didnt belong, again. It was this same Ayatollah Rafsanjani Musharraf, who, when faced with a choice between saving his people and saving his posterior, chose to save the latter. This is why, meray azeez humwatnoon, aaj humara mulk ek nazuk mor se guzar raha hai!!! (Cue Shehzad Roy!)
But I digress. The point wasnt who made up the rulebook (although you have to admit, thats pretty clever, writing your own rulebook), but what those rules are. I mean, when a man gets to live by his own rules, there is bound to be mayhem. Girls kameezes will start getting shorter and shorter, boys hair will keep growing longer and longer, Red Bull will become the most popular mixer and Jew Sooper will air full frontal shots of IPL cheerleaders shaking their moneymakers. Madness! If my college courses in Political Science taught me anything, it was that with great power comes great responsibility. And also that Absolut corrupts Absolut-ly! And boy, did it ever.
Coming back to the rulebook, anyone with a better memory than our TV news channels will remember that the 18th Amendment (or as I like to call it, the 18th time someone hit Ctrl+A and Delete and rewrote the basis of our countrys legal and political system) undid all the voodoo that Abu-Musharraf bin Hamza did. But what these absent-minded news organizations failed to point out at the time was that while the powers invested in a Pakistani Sun King under Article 58 2(b) were done away with this time around, the amendment did little to address the issue of discretionary powers. This essentially means that appointments such as Head Chef at Serena Hotel and Chairman of the National Bureau of Availability will still be made by the head of state, whosoever that person may be. But I know that our fearless leader is not going to waste time making appointments at the Capitals finest culinary outlet. Hell let the experts deal with it. You know, the people with degrees in Hospitality Sciences and Hotel Management. Experts. Shame he couldnt do the same for the other thing.
The writer is a broadcast journalist.
