Evidence shows Indian airstrikes dented Pakistan’s most radical group ‘Lahore Qalandars fans’


(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

LAHORE/BALAKOT – While Pakistani and international media continues to churn out evidence that the Indian Air Force airstrikes last week didn’t cause any damage, an investigation by The Dependent has revealed that such claims aren’t entirely true.

Intercepted calls, documentation and evidence on ground reveals that the IAF strikes in Balakot were not only preemptive, they were decoys to distract Pakistan, and indeed the rest of the world, from New Delhi’s actual operation.

The Dependent’s investigation reveals that IAF did actually manage to strike the heart of a proscribed outfit in Pakistan, which many observers feel is the most radical group in the country. And while all eyes were in Khyber Pakhunkhwa and Azad Kashmir, IAF breached the LoC to actually target the heart of Punjab.

The Dependent has learned that the proscribed group that was targeted and has been neutralised as a result of the IAF bombing is none other than the outfit known as Lahore Qalandars fans.

“Just like other proscribed groups, this outfit also disguises itself under other banners, and would hence be camouflaging itself as Islamabad United fans, Peshawar Zalmi fans, Quetta Gladiators fans depending largely on the events in the Middle East,” said Hammad Bhatti from the Pak Institute of Peace Studies.

“However, the group does come forward with full force under certain, rarely occurring, circumstances. There was a chance that this would happen in Lahore during the coming week, but that prospect has been neutralised, with the threat now being diverted elsewhere – perhaps southern parts of the country.”

Experts warn that the regularly disguising ‘Lahore Qalandars fans’ group might be delusional and might have flattered to deceive since its inception three years ago, but it poses a continued threat.

“The group is waiting for all its pieces to fall together. So don’t rule it out completely,” noted Joanna Klinsmann of the International Centre for the Study of Radicalisation.