Cigarette stub confirms Mahira Khan committed gruesome crime of exercising personal choice



Acting as the approver in the moral court that has been summoned against Pakistani actor Mahira Khan since Friday night, the cigarette stub found on the scene of crime has broken its silence, The Dependent’s investigation has unveiled.

The stub that both acted as an accomplice and an eyewitness to the range of crimes Mahira committed – including but not limited to, living her life as she desires, exercising free will, not seeking the moral police’s approval, and ghastliest of all, being a woman – confirmed that the Raees, Bin Roye, Bol and Humsafar star had indeed broken all these unwritten clauses of an uptight, hypocritical, societally regressive, patriarchal, rulebook.

“Yes, I saw her do all that as she consumed the cellulose acetate of the filter habitually attached to my backside,” said the butt of the cigarette, while talking to The Dependent.

Reports also confirm that the other cigarette stub on the crime scene has also been discovered.

“But since no crime has been registered against Ranbir Kapoor, its testimony in the ongoing court is superfluous,” confirms a senior moral police officer.

“I was just happy to be come in handy and I am sure many members of the moral police and their mob assets are dying to do so too. This is the trademark of allegations of beghairti,” the first cigarette stub confirmed.

Meanwhile hospitals across Pakistan have seen a rise in patients since Friday morning with a new disease called Angerostrongylus, with the clear symptom found to be the patients being “bardast ke bahir”.

“The patients are the same men who wished that Mahira would become their partner, fall in love with them and you know…” says Dr Mehmood from Jinnah Hospital, unnecessarily winking towards this scribe.

“The smoke from her cigarettes has fogged their minds, they cannot seem to fathom the fact that Ranbir is seen with Mahira and are channeling the anger towards that poor cigarette,” says Dr Fatima Batool from National Hospital.

While the doctors have found the demographic of the patients to be misogynistic men – and women – they have further narrowed down the former to subjects who have watched ‘Oh Zalima’ in slow motion again and again, and and those who liked social media celebrity Qandeel Baloch’s Facebook page and praised her murder.